Still learning....

Wow...no posts for ages, then two in one day.

I mentioned in a previous post about my tendency to hide - to build my wall. This happened again this week, quite severely.

Different factors over a period of about a week had left me feeling vulnerable and pretty weak. Some problems were M/s related - but of my own making - others weren't. Job problems, kid stuff, an assault at work all added up to my feeling so low. It pretty much came to a head one night this week when in IM with Sir, I mentally shut Him out, basically not talking with Him and doing my hiding routine. I took down one of my postings from this blog, and actually tried to temporarily close it - not permanently because I have too many precious memories on here.

The next day I talked it over with lessa, trying to explain exactly why I'd reacted the way I had, also giving her a copy of the explanatory e-mail that I had sent to Sir. But, how do I explain something I don't understand myself??

In a previous M/s relationship, I felt able to share only the 'good' side of me. I tried not to show any problems, however sometimes not showing them caused more difficulties in the end. When I had issues, and insecurity problems, I would try to shut myself away from him until they were solved and then emerge, thus keeping the negative side hidden away.

Lessa pointed something out to me - that submission isn't just the fun stuff, it's letting Him see the bad stuff too. She also pointed out that I gave Him the right to see all of me not just the bits I chose to show when I gave Him my submission. Basically - my sister kicked my arse, and not gently.

My discussion with her led to us narrowing down one of my problems - I actually get quite scared at how intense my feelings are. I've only known Sir since January real time, and obviously this past few months have really been a whirlwind. My release, my holiday with Sir and lessa and my daughters in Holland, then my holiday with them in France. So a lot in a relatively short space of time. It sometimes seems difficult to justify such strong feelings for Him after such a short time. But......do I need to justify? And to whom? I find it hard to comprehend how I can feel so safe and secure with Him, and still doubt myself so much, or at least my ability to please Him, to be what/who He wants.

I sometimes get scared of hurting Sir, lessa and yes....of hurting myself. And occasionally my old 'lets hide and create a distance between us so I don't get too close and get hurt' routine seems such an easy solution. But as lessa pointed out (rather forcefully!) submission isn't meant to always be easy, and besides....we don't quit !!

So I will listen to my sister and my Sir. I'll buckle down and get through my 'rough patch' - He knows whats on my mind, and He's still on my side of my wall. He isn't going anywhere else, and I know that lessa is with Him.

No-one else will ever cause enough insecurity to threaten what Sir, lessa and I have - I'm the only one who can threaten it, through my own insecurities. So I need to get those under control. It will happen. It's just a matter of time.

In the past, I've often been told one thing and seen something entirely different.

I just have to remember that Dragon M Sir is NOT one of those who have done that to me - ever - so, as lessa said, why make Him pay the price?


kusssssssssssss Sir, kussssssssssssss lessa