Pride....

This is such a hard posting to write.

I have a stubborn streak. Yes, I know that those of you who know me will be extremely surprised at this news. I hide it well. We're not talking a huge stubborn streak, just a small one - about as wide as the Dartford Tunnel. Or the Channel Tunnel maybe. Well, part of submission is being strong enough to recognise your weaknesses, right?

I get pre-conceived ideas in my head, and once they're there, they're extremely hard to remove.

I had ideas - no, not ideas - beliefs - that I can't be this, I can't be that, I can't do this, I can't do that, about my submission. These beliefs nearly lost me DragonM Sir and lessa, because I wasn't prepared to try to see beyond what I believed.

Sir (and lessa - because it isn't just Him) have given me so much, and allowed me to give so much in return. And the giving is probably better than receiving. My best memories of us all include lessa and I kneeling for Him in France, and seeing His face when He opened His present last week. Priceless.

We've all had long, honest talks this past few days, and basically DragonM Sir and I talked tonight to decide whether we should carry on our relationship. Neither of us could see past the problem we were all facing, although neither of us wanted to lose something so precious, or lose someone we loved very much. And we do love each other - all of us.

Talking, and thinking, then more talking and even more thinking brought me to a conclusion. He loves me, controls me, teaches me, helps me, cares for me, plays with me, and allows me to give Him so much in return. It's all just wrapped up in a different parcel than I'd always envisaged, but He gives me everything I want and allows me to give what I need to give. It would be a massive, massive loss if my small stubborn streak meant that we'd lose all of that.

So I swallowed my pride. I asked Him to keep me. And you have noooooo idea how difficult that was. And He even made me apologise for swearing before He would answer me !! (points out that my stubborn streak is nowhere near as wide as His sadistic streak).

He agreed - that was what He wanted, but He needed me to understand things for myself. And no, it's not a life changing belief, and I'm not comprising myself just to keep Him. I'm opening my mind a bit wider, to try to fit in other possibilities.

Tiggr posted this to me on lessa's blog last week - I know enough of the Dragon to know instinctively that he can and will always provide effortlessly for what you most need... focus on his will, his goals, just trust in him, and in your love. You'll do just fine!. I've re-read that so many times this week.....and it's been just what I needed....thank you *kusssssss.

So huge hugs to Sir and lessa - may we all sleep better now. Thank you for your honesty and your love - it means the world to me.

I think I'll go to bed now.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss