I think I'm awake...

Ok, I'm awake now. I think.

The whole weekend has been lovely. Necessary talking, lots of time all together, and time with just lessa. Perfect.

Last night we all went to a party at Hans and Angel's house. It was so nice to see them again, I don't think that a trip to Holland would be complete with seeing them now. And Hans mended my ring - the ring that Sir and lessa gave me in the summer had lost a part, which he replaced. It meant so much to have the ring complete again.

When we got to the party, I 'hid' again, not knowing if I could get things straight in my head after all that's happened lately. But Sir left me in no doubt who I belonged to before we even got to the play room. He played with us both at first, including one hell of a strong flogging/spanking session. I'd never had one that hard before. Then after we all relaxed and drank with everyone, He played first with lessa on her own, and then me. My session included a lot of different things including breast bondage (god, those ropes were tight !!), spanking/slapping all over and then the wonderful electro play - using the indirect electro so that the electricty passed through his fingers onto me. I was in heaven!! It was a good thing that I didn't have to ask 'mag ik klaar komen alstublieft'' every time because at number eleven I couldn't even remember my own name let alone how to ask permission to come in Dutch!!!

It was a beautiful evening, and I was so proud to be there as his.

This morning, he woke me quite early (about 9am - we didn't go to bed until about 4!!) and we all had breakfast together. Then he took me down to the soutterain and gave me a 'this will last you until I see you again session'. Very hard play again, kneeling, spanking, crawling, and then somethng he wanted to do in private - he's realised the effect that heat has on me. So, several cigarettes very, very close to a certain part of me, and I was in subbie heaven again. Having to stay so still while he did it, not daring to move while feelings build up in me meant that when I could move...oh my god - I couldn't stop coming. Even after we went upstairs, as soon as he lit a cigarette the feelings flooded back and I was gone again. Several erm....noisy explosions later I actually fell into subspace. I've never experienced all of that before, not being able to stop myself having so many orgasms while he's just looking at me. Not touching....just looking. It totally wiped me out, and a few hours back in bed were definitely in order after he'd gone. Last night we counted to eleven - we (well, he) counted how many this morning...wow...never mind a spank for every year to celebrate my birthday, I think all in all this holiday he gave me an orgasm for each year instead !

I spent a lovely afternoon with lessa, shopping for presents for my girls, and now we're back home having a meal together - possibly with an extra cat loving visitor.

It's been an amazing weekend in so many ways, and I can't thank lessa and Sir enough. I love them both dearly.

But you know one of the highlights of the weekend? At the party last night, Sir had me kneel for him in front of their friends - including Hans and the lovely jr. To do something that means so much to me in front of their friends meant the world to me, and it means even more that he recognised this.

He really does understand his fox.

*smles

Just...

Oh

My

God

Last night, my hardest play ever. Then more play afterwards, getting harder. And today he gave me my 'goodbye' present - even harder play....but incorporating something entirely new. I'm still absolutely amazed, and REAllY need to learn to count in Dutch - and no, not to count spankings, but something entirely different!

I really need to go back to bed now - I'm only half lucid (what do you mean, whats new??), and my legs are still shaking. Will post about the lovely time we had and the wonderful people I met later, but for now let's just say....

....I am NEVER going to be able to watch Sir smoking a cigarette again !!

hugggssssssss

Oh Lord !!

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can

I used to have a girlfriend but I guess she just couldn't compete
With all these love starved women who keep clamoring at my feet
Well I probably could find me another but I guess they're all in awe of me
Who cares I never get lonesome 'cause I treasure my own company

I guess you could say I am a loner, a cowboy all locked up and proud
Well I could have lots of friends if I wanted, but then I wouldn't stand out in a crowd
Some folks say that I'm egotistical - hell I don't even know what that means
I guess it has something to do with the way that I fill out my skin tight blue jeans

Grins and RUNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS back to the UK !!

Ok, seriously. For christmas I bought lessa some Portmerion china (well, I live in the
Potteries!!) and a book on the castles of England, one of her passions.

I bought Sir a (tiny) plot of land on the Scottish island where his favourite whisky is made - ownership of any land here gives you the legal title of Lord, hence, he is now legally Lord DragonM, Lord of all he surveys!!

*smiles......but we already knew that.

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Falling in love....

Last night I fell in love. A gentleman who looked at me as if I was gorgeous. He settled beside me as soon as we met and hardly moved away. And he did the most amazing things with his mouth !!!

Grins - DragonM Sir is still in my heart. I fell in love with MsB's cat, Bolle. The kittens were lovely (especially the one that isn't Mickey or Jason whose name I can pronounce !!). But Bolle stole my heart. Whe you stroke him he moves his mouth as if he's talking to you. Sadly, I wasn't allowed to cat nap him.

We all had some amazing talks yesterday, and we're so much stronger for it. Yes, we do need to talk more instead of being afraid of hurting each other. We've learnt that - it's a massive learning curve for us all.

We exchanged presents, we hugged, we kissed, we played a bit. But the most important thing we shared was just time. And again, the strength that Sir gives me allowed me to do something that I thought I'd never do.

Being with Sir and lessa, and with RB, is like being at home. And after the misunderstanding between lessa and I was sorted out, we returned to feelingstrong, secure and loved.

Now that really did feel like coming home.

kusssssssssssssssssssss

Today....

....I was reminded of a lot of things. Lots of talking, all necessary and all worthwhile. Reminded of how wonderful sister hugs are - I'd missed lessa a lot.

And then a reminder of how hard he can spank, cane and flog...and my first OTK spanking! The photos showed a delightful shade of bright red.

And reminded how effective his 'Dom' face is !! That weak at the knees feeling was DEFINITELY there.

And now, off to a reminder of an old friendship.....visiting the current 'caretaker' of lessa's two beautiful kittens, including 'the one who isn't Mickey or Jason!!' *winks at M:e (people - don't even ATTEMPT to understand that !!)

hugs and kisses

Tomorrow....

Ok, Im out of my hiding hole. Kind of.

Tomorrow I'm on the plane to Holland to see Sir and lessa. Not going to be quite the trip we'd planned, I doubt I'll be needing my corset and high heels etc, but there'll be plenty of talking, and thinking.

Who knows what's going to happen. But at least we'll be together, sorting things out. And I still have my christmas presents to give them.

See you next week, maybe.

xx

3 days....

In 3 days I'll be in Holland with Sir and lessa. I'm one hell of a lucky girl, in so many ways.

I have two wonderful sisters, who each look after me and care for me in their very different ways. I hope to be able to give as much back to them one day.

I have many friends, both real time and online, who bring so much pleasure into my life. My horizons have broadened so much this past couple of years, and I know it's made me a better person. I love sharing my life with them, and vice versa. I've met some wonderful people in the lifestyle, all of whom are totally different, all of whom have unique relationships - Dragon M Sir and lessa, MP and M:e, Fian and kd, and others I've met r/t who have made a big impression on me, such as Hans and Angel. It's good for me to see the variety of M/s partnerships - and I really do believe that it's a partnership. It has to be a two way street.

I'm extremely lucky that I have DragonM Sir. He knows that I have many hurdles to jump in my submission, but He doesn't remove the hurdles for me, He makes me strong enough to jump them. I still have many insecurities, which grow less and less with time. I know I'm going to face quite a lot of these fences, but as M:e said the other day, I'm getting to know what my flashpoints will be, and prepare myself for them. I'm getting better at knowing myself.

Sir's patience is amazing. I have a history of pushing myself, to try to prove myself, but with Sir I'm learning that I don't have to. Things will be done in His time, not mine. But He takes care that although we do things in His time, He never lets me feel neglected, never lets me feel that I'm just an additional body He can call on should He choose to do so. Sometimes I make myself feel that I'm an extra burden for Him, but thats of my own making because of my insecurities - not His doing.

He doesn't demand anything from me except honesty - He has never demanded my submission at all, it's freely given. He doesn't give me things to do just to prove my submission, He knows it's there. In my ...shall we say 'worrying' moments.....I sometimes wonder if I give Him what He needs, because I'm in another country, etc. My friends know how much I can worry about the slightest thing. I know that I can't give Him 'more' submission. I can just give Him me.

I know that as time goes on, He will make more demands of me, and I will gladly meet them. But we're going at His pace, as He sees fit *smiles.

I'm giving Him what He wants right now - honesty, an open mind and trust. Other things will slowly come. And I hope that I meet those demands just as happily.

kussssssssssss for my Sir
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Ok....a question.....

I lay in my bath a while ago, exfoliating, scrubbing...generally making myself all soft and lovely, when I had this thought....

Should I instead be taking salt baths or something, trying to toughen my skin up for all the hard play Sir has promised me for next week? *grins. Or should I carry on making my skin as soft and touchable as possible, which of course means I'll mark more easily.

Grins....oh decisions, decisions !!

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Good news....

I had some good news this morning, so I thought I'd share it *smiles.

As some of you may know, I'm after a pub. I've just finished my contract at the school so I'm looking to work in a local pub to get at least six months of experience and then look to finding a pub summer next year, aiming to move in probably around early September. This will coincide with the kids hopefully starting new schools in the area, and also to give me time to get used to it before the busy Christmas season. I have my husband's full support on this, and also the support of Sir, lessa and M:e.

Two weeks ago I attended a training session with one of the major breweries, and pulled my first pint in a long time *grins. They have the majority of suitable size/type pubs in the area and they offer one of the best training and support packages.

I just received a phone call from their area manager, telling me that after a regional meeting yesterday, my name has been added to a 'hot potential' list - any training that comes up they will offer to me free of charge, and they'll arrange for me to get experience in different pubs that are on their books. There's a lot of benefits to being listed, as it means I'm permanently 'there' in their minds which will be of enormous help next summer !! Not many people actually get listed, so it's given me quite an ego boost that, as the gentleman said, my people skills were entirely obvious as was my managerial background. They want to make sure I stay in the fold when it comes to choosing a pub/brewery next year.

I know how much hard work a pub is. I used to work in my aunty's pub, doing virtually all the food and serving behind bar when necessary, and I know I only saw a part of what it takes to run a successful pub. But I'm going to try.

I've been after a pub for a couple of years now, but put it off for a while because I needed to concentrate on my marriage - that was my priority. Now the hard work is only starting, to work and train ready for next summer.

So next Christmas, hopefully, touch wood, keeping my fingers crossed etc, I'll be in a pub - working hard and probably not posting on my blog anymore because I won't have the time !! But it will be worth it.

And it's nice to know that the brwery think I'm worth trying to hold onto as a potential landlady *smiles.

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Baby You're the best......

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

I wasn't lookin', but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The man who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby
Darling, you're the best

Enough said *smiles
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One week....

A week today Sir picks me up from the airport....He's promised an interesting drive home *grins

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Nightwear....

I found this picture of pyjamas - very similar to some cute 'mouse' ones I have. I took them with me to France (erm, no I don't know why either!) but when I teasingly said I'd go and put them on instead of my sexy red nightdress He almost made me wear them just to call my bluff ! I think it would have killed the mood somehow, especially as that was the night that I did the arabic dance for Him ! lol.

Don't think I'll take them to Holland next week *grins

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Push the limits....

Push the Limits is the name of this lovely artwork from Artnam. (Me? Push limits? Let's not get into THAT discussion !! lol). But I saw the picture, and you know my first thought?

Wonder how that hairstyle would look in brown or red??

I kinda didn't notice her being naked etc etc.....I'm normally quite observant about these things - trust me, I normally notice if a gorgeous woman is butt naked !

But I'm considering going from my current very dark brown to more of an auburn, and I sort of didn't notice she had no clothes on.

You think I'm losing my innocence?

xxxxx

There you go lessa !!

grins....for next Saturday night
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Catching up....

I spoke to a friend of mine last night who I've known for many years, but due to her moving away and my resignation from the training organistion we with with, we hadn't spoken for about six - eight months.

It was great to catch up again. We've shared a room at many posh hotels when we've attended national balls and international dinners. One night in particular springs to mind, when I was all dolled up in my finery, having finished the formal part of the evening including toasting the Queen. The disco had started and all of a sudden Amarillo came on. I just dissolved into hysterical laughter (him singing Amarillo was one of the few things that made me call 'RED!' with MP !!). I had visions of him standing with his flogger, marching to Amarillo and talking to all the assembled dignitaries, including international presidents and local MPs and the mayor ! J just looked at me as if I was nuts, and I explained (kind of !!) about the in joke with MP and M:e. It was a fantastic evening. I actually miss those dinners now - never thought I would. I even miss the ball gowns !! *grins

J asked me what I'd been up to since we last met, anything interesting? 'Oh yes !!!' I replied, 'I've been on one of Europe's largest indoor/undergound rollercoasters, been on a speedboat, held a tarantula, had a week in Holland, a few days in the South of France, learnt Arabic dancing, performed a dance for someone, I fly off for weekends abroad.....had an interesting few months'.

I heard her jaw drop. 'You? You hate rollercoasters'.

'Yep.'

'You were terrified of spiders.'

'Yep.'

'You were frightened stiff of flying.....now you fly on your own???'

'Yep,'

'Bloody hell woman.....what are you on? HRT??'

Grins.....I could hardly tell her that nope, wrong initials, it's actually BDSM,. now could I ?

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Back to school....

My older daughter had her parents' day today, and as usual the teacher was over the moon with her performance, they think she's wonderful (she is), they think she's so mature (she is), they think she's lucky to have such supportive parents (*blushes* well I couldn't possibly comment!).

I had issues I had to raise this time however. In various classes the teachers are unable to control the more trouble making element, which leaves the rest of the class unable to learn. It took the english teacher seven lessons just to watch a thirty five minute video of the Tempest. My daughter also came home last week covered in weals and bruises all over her legs where one particularly obnoxious girl had whipped her legs with an elastic band (about 4 foot long, tied around a pupil used to denote different teams in sport). The teacher had already left the class in tears so no-one was controlling the students. She was so upset. I hugged her, talked to her and got the arnica cream.....(trust me sweetheart, this DOES work on bruises).

In my meeting today, I was friendly, took their opinions and points of view into account, but remained firm on wanting to see action and requesting regular feedback in one week, two weeks and then a month to enable me to monitor the situation. Totally professional, still leaving with a smile and a handshake. I never raised my voice or lost my temper.

So why can't I do that in my D/s?

I'm getting so much better at talking to Dragon M Sir, being able to voice concerns or questions. But sometimes I work myself up so much about something that the only way I can approach is to blurt it out, before I lose courage. Each time this happens I explode, then His calm rational approach takes the wind out of my sails, and the anger or frustration dies a death. And each time, after the fireworks, I feel stronger with Him and my submission goes that little bit deeper. I just really, really wish I (and of course Sir) didn't have to experience the whole fireworks too.

I nearly closed my blog yesterday, for various reasons. Pure frustration at so many things led me to the 'delete blog' page. But the lovely things on there over the last few months stopped me doing it.

I know my long term D/s future is with DragonM Sir - I'm not doubting that. Whether its as His fox, His sub, or His slave....as He's been asked....who knows? I'll always be His fox. What we have has to be right between all of us, and none of us are ready to move it forward yet....certainly not me. Nobody elses opinion on whether I'm right for poly matters. We're not poly.......we're us. The three of us.

When I'm in Holland next week, I'll be kneeling for Him at the party on Saturday night. I'll be so proud to do so, but you know what? I wouldn't kneel differently, or play differently, or submit differently to Him if I was collared, tattoed, branded, or had a slave registry number permanently engraved on my arse. I'm still me, I'm still His. I still give Him as much as I can.

I still have one hang up, (no not suspension)that means I find it really hard to let go that final bit in hard play, because I'm afraid of saying something I shouldn't. Lol, even so, He still mangaged to get me to let go enough to get into sub space in France !! He and lessa both know about it, and sort of understand. He still has my no-limits, which I think we all established before in various blog chats actually means I abide by HIS limits. And He applies this no-limits to all aspects of our relationship, not just the play. That surprised me.

He's made me strong enough to admit my weaknesses on here - that took an amazing amount of courage at first. But He's also making me strong enough to acknowledge my strengths. And that's actually harder.

An excerpt from my daughter's report today - it's time that M started having the confidence to believe in herself, to believe that she is more than capable of achieving regardless of what her peers say.

Sound familiar?

I think I need to write lines.....*grins

kussss en knuffels

Waiting....

My youngest daughter is, at this moment, doing her karate grading for her blue belt - I'm almost sick with worry. She, her sister amd Dad all studied karate for about three years, my older daughter gave it up this summer, but my baby is still doing it. She has been practising hard all week with her father, with any luck they'll both come home with blue belts. For my husband, I'm really nervous - he has to have a hip replacement within a couple of months so this will be his last attempt at a belt. For his pride's sake he wants to go out on a high.

My baby isn't really a good loser, if she doesn't get this blue belt she'll be so upset. She hasn't developed my older daughter's sense of well, at least I tried and it was a great experience. Then again, I don't suppose many seven year old have that yet.

So, I'm sitting here nervous as hell, waiting for them to come back. In thirty five minutes it will be over. I can't really go and watch her because we discovered that my presence at karate seems to put her into 'baby' and 'show off' mode, so I have to wait here ...SO hard !!

She deserves to pass for all the hard work she's put in, my husband certainly deserves it just for his don't give up attitude. It actually hurts me to see him practise because of the pain it causes him - his hip is pretty much worn away. If he considers carrying on training after today, I may have to turn Domme and bin his kit. It hurts seeing someone you love hurting so much.

So...fingers crosses that they'll pass. I know that they'll do their best, but I'm not sure how my youngest will handle it if she doesn't get that belt. I'm sure M:e remembers various displays of her 'inability to lose gracefully' *grins.

kusssssssssssssssss

UPDATE

They both got their blue belts!!!! I have a very tired and excited daughter and a very aching husband !! *grins

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Congratulations....

and a few bottles of champagne to my lovely sister on her back lacing. It's gorgeous sweetheart.

Biggg huggs

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The big '100'

Yay me !! I reached the big 100 !! At least as far as my blog is concerned.

Yep, this is my 100th posting. Not bad, considering that when I started my blog, I did it on a one month trial period basis. I’m amazed that I’ve reached this point, as I was never a regular contributor on my old ‘family’ blog.

I started this blog at the end of May – since then there’s been quite a lot of changes and events in my life-

• I quit a lot of my volunteer activities to give me more time with my family
• My husband and I agreed to try again, and stop our divorce – it seems to have worked, we’re happier than we’ve been in a long time
• My girls met Dragon M Sir, lessa and RB – I took them to Holland and spent a week there, and they absolutely loved it, visiting a safari park, a theme park, boat rides, shopping trips and just being all together
• My release
• Dragon M Sir taking me as His fox – teaching me so much, but still so much to learn
• A holiday with Sir and lessa in France
• My assault at school
• Finishing my contract at the school, to the relief of virtually everyone who knows me
• Having the confidence to learn Arabic dancing
• My daughter getting four Outstanding Achievement awards at school
• Re-decorated the entire house!
• Ran a full 6 week activity program at school for over 300 kids
• Got 3 kids onto a university project – a small thing but something I’m SO proud of
• Starting on an ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) course
• Becoming an exam invigilator
• Had minor surgery on my womb
• Held a tarantula
• Went on a rollercoaster and DIDN’T throw up
• Started learning Dutch seriously (and yes, one of the first things I learnt was to ask for permission to come !)
• Rode on a speedboat
• Experienced sub space
• Started another blog, a private one

So many things in such a short time – here’s to my 200th posting *smiles

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2 weeks....

....and still counting !! 2 weeks today I get picked up at Schipol by a VIP *grins.

And I PROMISE, lessa, I won't rip His clothes off !! *laughing

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