You may remember me posting about my mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law's marital problems a couple of weeks back. They're having enormous rows, shouting at each other....all sorts. They're both in their seventies. They've got the whole family involved in the situation, her calling her kids up like reinforcements to show him that she's got support, him saying he's GOT no family, who's going to support him??
In came to a head last night when we had a phone call, my older daughter answered the call and all she could hear was her grandparents screaming at each other. We tried to get them to hear us, but they were too busy shouting, and then disapearing in other rooms to realise that the phone was off the hook.
It's one thing my mother-in-laws kids being involved in this....but now it's my kids that are involved. I had to explain to my daughter (and my younger daughter who also overheard) why the argument was going on. We've all done our best to keep the arguments away from the children in the family because quite frankly, today they may be screaming at each other but tomorrow they could be insisting that we all go to a family party and act as if nothing has happened.
In the end - I went to see them. And I was quite frank. I explained about the phone call, that my daughter had overheard everything...and that I was drawing the line at my kids being involved. I was then faced with my mother-in-law repeating every problem that's happened in the past..what he's done, what he's said...all of which we've heard before, many, many times. I politely tried to get a word in between her words and his defence and failed miserably. I had to resort to doing my 'teacher' thing and saying very loudly and very firmly, 'I'M talking !!'. I told them that at the minute, I wasn't interested in hearing their problems yet again - I'd heard them all before - my concern was for my own children and for my husband. That we were all there to support them, but we couldn't solve their problems for them - they had to do that themselves, and with Relate. I wasn't nasty, or rude...I was calm and firm.
Because their situation is affecting the entire family. They were both apologetic after failing to get me involved in their arguments, but to be honest, I'm not sure how to carry on if this keeps happening. How far can we continue to support them? They seem to have a cycle - they argue, she wants to throw him out, she wants us all to hate him, she denies that he's part of our family. Then next week she's telling us all that he's lovely, he's apologised and we have to treat him as if nothing ever happened.
I told them last night that I was being a hard faced bitch over this, but I was putting my kids and husband first. I've also told them that until my husband reassures me that their situation is positively solved....definitely....my kids aren't coming down on their usual visit after table tennis on Fridays, because I don't want them exposed to the atmosphere there. I guess I'm hoping that if they realise the kids are involved, they may think about their situation a bit more carefully.
My mother-in-law last night told me that he's no part of our family. He can go back to his own daughter ( a daughter he only found out about 6 years ago, but isn't bothered about).
When all said and done, he's been there for my kids if they've been ill. He's been there for them at birthday parties. He's been there. Full stop. She pleaded with me (not my husband..ME) when our first daughter was born, to let her call him Grandad. Now she's saying he's no part of our family.
What do I do? My husband is as confused and worried as I am. So are th erest of the family. I don't know how long we can keep supporting them in this cycle, but she's his mother.
Answers on a postcard please.....attached to a very large valium.
xxxxxx
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2 comments:
hugs....no postcard handy and, to be honest, no real answer to this, just a comment.
You know I have been involved with many people and families in difficulties of one sort or another over the years. The one thing I have learned, whatever the situation, or whoever is involved is that people everyone is capable of change, but they have to really want to for themselves.
Unless they are prepared to honestly see what it is about themselves, not each other, which causes this situation then it probably will keep recurring. And it seems, from what you say here, your mother in law is much more focussed on what he's done, what he's said, to be prepared to take proper responsibility for her part in all this.
That cycle you talk about of arguing, blame, resolution and then 'everything in the garden being wonderful' for a time is such a familiar one....present in almost every situation like this where the true root of the problem is never identified and dealt with.
It is hard for those on the sidelines to watch....often seeing much more objectively what is happening than the main protagonists. Observers may support, they may listen, but at the end of the day only those directly affected can finally solve the problem which keeps the cycle re-occuring.
I hope for their sakes, as well as those around them your in laws manage to resolve their difficulties. It would be nice to think there was a happy ending here and that they'd stay together, but sometimes, as in my own parents case, the only way they could ever be happy (and interestingly stay friends) was to part.
Protecting the girls by keeping them away from the current atmosphere is probably for the best...and I know you will have explained the reasons to them.
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and hope this situation resolves one way or another very soon.
love and hugs xxx
hugsssssssssssssssssss, no valium here... but hugs and kitten cuddles work great against stress...
I think you are so right in keeping the girls away from that situation...
love and hugssssssssss
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