An interesting year....

It's been an interesting year *smiles.

So many changes in my life this year, and it's lovely to be able to look back at some of them on my blog. A blog which I once said I'd never write, because it wasn't 'me'.

I started the year with MP, M:e and MissB - all lovely people who I'm very honoured to know. MP taught me a lot and I'm truly grateful for the time that we spent together - so many wonderful memories to look back on. Thank you Mike - huggggsssssss. M:e is still a big part of my life, and my girls - we're hoping to meet up with her in January (touch wood) and give her the Christmas present we were so happy to find for her !!

Through MissB, in January this year we also met DragonM Sir and lessa - along with other people who I now love to see including Hans and Angel. We went to a play party (my first) where I experienced my first ever electroplay, at DragonM Sir's hands. I was immensely proud of MP doing his shibari demo on MissB, and thoroughly enjoyed my first public play (once I got over my nerves!!!!).

MP and I parted company in the summer, but remain good friends. It was a positive move for both of us, and I'm overjoyed to see how happy he and M:e are. I, of course, now belong to DragonM Sir who is carrying on where MP left off with teaching and mentoring me. He's a wonderful Sir and I'm very lucky to have an amazing sister in lessa. We've had some very memorable times together and I look forward to many more. He's done me a lot of good - he's made me stronger, made me think, made me feel and made me crawl and beg *grins.....he pretty much understands his fox.

I have a truly amazing 'D/s family', and in that family I include friends such as Hans - I really can't imagine going to Holland now without seeing him !! I never in a million years thought that I'd have a Dutch Sir - He's encouraged me in so many many things now, and I'm happily enrolled on a Dutch language course and the proud owner of Dutch grammar books. My faith and trust in him are allowing me to slowly have more faith and trust in myself.....does that make sense??

My vanilla life has changed dramatically too. In January I was at the divorce solicitors, now I've just spent my best ever Christmas with my husband. In many, many ways I've never been happier. Neither have my kids. *smiles.

I think my main New Year resolution is going to be to think less, feel more. I want to stop analysing everything so much and trust my instincts. I can spend too long telling myself what I can't be rather than what I can. I have unbelievably strong memories of standing in front of Sir at Hans' party, him telling me to kneel for him, and me being so desperate to do it but my little voice telling me that I couldn't, for this reason, that reason.....that little voice needs gagging. I need to just trust without second guessing.

I love and trust him and lessa a great deal, and am so glad to be with them. I'm equally glad of my friends and family who are there for me, and to the new friends I met or talked with this year . So to M:e - who will always be my sister, MP, MissB, Hans, Angel, Tiggr, tease, kd, Fian, musi, jr, and everyone else, have a fantastic new year.

To my darling Sir and my amazing, wonderful, gorgeous lessa - all my love, may we make many more memories, and share much more laughter.

Happy New Year

love from

*****fox*****

Merry Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a subbie was stirring, all quiet as a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hope that Master would soon be there

The subbie was nestled all snug in her bed
While visions of tawses danced through her head
Her chains were attached from her bed to her feet
Keeping her legs apart, lest they should meet

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter
Her Master woke her and said, ‘What’s the matter?’
He’d finally got there, and was enormously pleasured
To see his beloved, the slave he so treasured

As she twisted to see him, turning around
To the side of the bed he came with a bound
He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot
All that lovely soft leather as black as old soot

A bundle of toys he held in his sack
All to be used on her ass, or her back
Clamps, canes, electro – all were in there
Waiting to hurt, on the soft flesh she kept bare

His crop, how it hurt! His flogger – oh she groaned!
After using the paddle she whimpered and moaned
The electro it brought her to dizzy delights
As her loving Master had sub space within his sights

The clamps were attached to her nipples and clit
Pain so intense once he removed it
The cane was laid across her naked behind
Leaving a pattern of welts, which she didn’t mind

After many long hours of pain, and of pleasure
Her Master had tormented and teased her at leisure
He gathered his toys up, it was time to go
He kissed her with passion, so tender and slow

He strolled to his car, to his girl gave a whistle
And away he flew, like the down of a thistle
But she heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight….

…..Merry Christmas my darling……sexy dreams, sleep tight !!

Family time....

This past couple of weeks have been filled with family time - I've just come back from my 5th family party in two weeks. Lots of us have birthdays in December, plus we have christmas parties that we go to, so tomorrow is one of the few days where we're all at home, getting ready for Christmas Day.

Tomorrow, I'll be in the kitchen with the girls, preparing food for the big meal. Two different stuffings, bacon and sausage rolls, brandy butters, mince pies, sherry trifle.....the house will smell wonderful. I'll be in my element. Each of my girls has a particular 'speciality' in the kitchen, so that they can show off their contribution and be proud. My older daughter makes the most wonderful bacon and sausage rolls - my younger girl does the trifle !!

I'm lucky, I'll be sharing Christmas Day with my family, by which I don't just mean my husband and children. I also mean Sir, lessa and M:e. Because although they won't physically be with me - both of my sisters are, I believe, already with their families for the holiday - they're with me in my heart and mind. They're all a big part of my life, and never more so than on a day as special as Christmas Day.

I'll certainly be raising a glass of Bailey's to them on Christmas Day - and I'll look forward to sharing one with them in real.

All my love to them all.

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I'm back............

The lovely gentleman in my husband's ICT department has lent me a pc, so for the moment, I'm back to blogging. I've missed being online so much ! Not being able to chat to my family and friends in IM has been awful.

So much has happened this past couple of weeks - my daughter was in the local newspaper, my birthday, her birthday, so day at the races, my husband's office christmas party where I was dressed up so beuatifully and had men staring at my cleavage all night ( can't think why *sweet smiles*).

I'll post properly soon, but for now just a quick hi - I have SO much blog and email reading to catch up on !!!

lots of love

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guest posting

for my sweet sister clare... who still can't be online, she has major pc troubles and so far it seems like she is gonna be gone the rest off the year...

just wish I could have chained your pc... working pc that is...

I miss you...lots....

and there's an empty place on my IM contact list...

lessa

Problems (by DragonM)

My fox is having some problems with her computer and it will take a few days before everything is fixed. So it will take some days before she can post again.

DragonM

Pride....

This is such a hard posting to write.

I have a stubborn streak. Yes, I know that those of you who know me will be extremely surprised at this news. I hide it well. We're not talking a huge stubborn streak, just a small one - about as wide as the Dartford Tunnel. Or the Channel Tunnel maybe. Well, part of submission is being strong enough to recognise your weaknesses, right?

I get pre-conceived ideas in my head, and once they're there, they're extremely hard to remove.

I had ideas - no, not ideas - beliefs - that I can't be this, I can't be that, I can't do this, I can't do that, about my submission. These beliefs nearly lost me DragonM Sir and lessa, because I wasn't prepared to try to see beyond what I believed.

Sir (and lessa - because it isn't just Him) have given me so much, and allowed me to give so much in return. And the giving is probably better than receiving. My best memories of us all include lessa and I kneeling for Him in France, and seeing His face when He opened His present last week. Priceless.

We've all had long, honest talks this past few days, and basically DragonM Sir and I talked tonight to decide whether we should carry on our relationship. Neither of us could see past the problem we were all facing, although neither of us wanted to lose something so precious, or lose someone we loved very much. And we do love each other - all of us.

Talking, and thinking, then more talking and even more thinking brought me to a conclusion. He loves me, controls me, teaches me, helps me, cares for me, plays with me, and allows me to give Him so much in return. It's all just wrapped up in a different parcel than I'd always envisaged, but He gives me everything I want and allows me to give what I need to give. It would be a massive, massive loss if my small stubborn streak meant that we'd lose all of that.

So I swallowed my pride. I asked Him to keep me. And you have noooooo idea how difficult that was. And He even made me apologise for swearing before He would answer me !! (points out that my stubborn streak is nowhere near as wide as His sadistic streak).

He agreed - that was what He wanted, but He needed me to understand things for myself. And no, it's not a life changing belief, and I'm not comprising myself just to keep Him. I'm opening my mind a bit wider, to try to fit in other possibilities.

Tiggr posted this to me on lessa's blog last week - I know enough of the Dragon to know instinctively that he can and will always provide effortlessly for what you most need... focus on his will, his goals, just trust in him, and in your love. You'll do just fine!. I've re-read that so many times this week.....and it's been just what I needed....thank you *kusssssss.

So huge hugs to Sir and lessa - may we all sleep better now. Thank you for your honesty and your love - it means the world to me.

I think I'll go to bed now.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Just for tease.....

Recipe for Tollhouse Cookies

2 1/4 cups plain flour
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened (250 gram)
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups Chocolate Chips (or 3 bags)
1 cup chopped nuts

Directions:
PREHEAT oven to 375° F, gas mark 5

COMBINE flour, bicarbonate of soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels and nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

I bought a set of US style measuring cups in Tesco for about £2 - made things much easier.

hugggsssssssss - enjoy !! My kids have eaten half of mine already !!

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Baking day....

I feel the need to bake, something I love to do - it's soothing, and I love sharing the results.

I was given a recipe for Tollhouse Cookies - the huge, chewy American cookies - by a friend in alt, so I've just downloaded the conversion charts (US to UK measurements) so I'm going to spend a happy couple of hours making them with my little one. Along with muffins, brownies and a steak pie.

Wish me luck ! *smiles

xxxxx

A Big Bear Hug For Lessa......

A big bear hug (or should I say knuffel beer *smiles)for lessa . Thanks for your honesty this past couple of days sweetheart, it meant a lot.

And keep the voucher for a free hug - we can use it any time we've had one of our honest talks.

Love you - a lot

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101 Things To Before You Die - Sexual !!!!

Ok, as mentioned in my last post, here are some of the relationship/sexual activities listed in the above book.

1. Have a threesome - who was it with?
2. Have 'kinky' sex (gasps!!!!)
3. Have sex in front of someone else
4. Join the mile high club - who with?
5. Have sex with more than two other people - again, who and where?

have sex in the following places -

6. Under the stars
7. On camera/film
8. In an elevator
9. At work
10. Somewhere inappropriate
11. With someone you shouldn't!
12. In your parents bed
13. At a party
14. In a swimming pool
15. In a churchyard
16. In a limousine
17. At the beach
18. In a car

I must be SOOO innocent according to these !!! I've only done....let's see.....number 1 - 3, 10 - 12. Oh and 18.

*blushes

Anyone else less innocent than me ???

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Meme....

This is from the Romantic Mistress website - http://romantic-mistress.blogspot.com/2006/12/another-meme.html. It gave me a smile.....and brought back some memories !! (grins at M:e - I've put my 'things I've done in bold!)

xxx

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea On board my second cruise, leaving Tenerife. Absolutely gorgeous
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Several times
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables I had a greenhouse, and grew all my own tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, herbs, carrots, radishes etc
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible momentHmmmm....many times, but once in the middle of a play session. Thankfully everyone saw the funny side!
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse I liked the horses name !!
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb and a piglet
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster Whether I wanted to or not, I went on Vogel Rok in Holland
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk Yep - I took care of a drunk friend once - does my shaving his eyebrows WHILE he was drunk make it less of a good thing??
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Danced with a stranger on a cruise ship at Casablanca
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach Erm....4.30 in the morning, paddling and getting topless *blushes*
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow and a goat
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke Only once at a family party - never again!! (emphasizes the 'never' for Sir's benfit !!)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites I went to Pompeii and cried when I got there, on the same holiday as I visited the Trevi Fountain and the Colosseum
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Cruella de Vil - I made a full Dalmation fur coat
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stageerm...I performed an Abba concert for my school when I was 12...does that count?? *winks
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didnt stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldnt have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication I wrote articles for the national publication of a former employer
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someones heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone My little toe on my left foot - nothing major! *grins
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school Did 'A' level, various computer courses and a foundation degree, after several years away from school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

I have the book '101 Things to do Before You Die'...that's fantastic. It even lists sexual activities !! *wegs

xxxx

Just in case....

Grins - a fire extinguisher for tonight for my sweet sister and my 'hot' Sir.

*sweet, sweet smiles*

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Christmas decorations

We have a tradition of putting up our christmas decorations the weekend closest to my birthday ie, about the middle of December. But because of my trip to Holland I'd agreed with the girls that we could do the decorations the day before I left...and these pictures show some of the results.

Like everyone else, we have those big bulk boxes of ornaments for the tree, but since my eldest was born we've had another tradition. Each year I buy a special decoration for each of the girls to put on the tree, or they choose one themselves. Over the years this has meant that a lot of the baubles we use have a special meaning for the children, a little piece of history. For instance, the year that they started riding lessons I bought my youngest a little rocking horse to hang on there. Each decoration has special meaning.

Now, we also have Dutch decorations on there. We have two trees, one in each living room, and both now have several meaningful ornaments that lessa and I bought this weekend. Lessa bought each of the children a little Black Peter (part of Dutch folklore) to hang up, and there are others that I chose. We had a wonderful evening last night, adding the new decorations, talking about how christmas is celebrated in Holland. The girls happily munching on the biscuits and chocolates that were sent to them, me enjoying the wonderful rambol cheese and crackers I brought back. I love the fact that the decorations mean something special.

One decoration that is very special to me was a gift from my darling sister. She bought me a beautiful painted teddy bear as my ornament for the tree, in honour of my youngest calling DragonM Sir her 'cuddly teddy bear'. She said, 'there you go Clare, now you have your own Dragon M to hang on the tree!' Gotta love that sis *grins. So DragonM Sir is now hanging on my main tree - the one in the top pic - next to the armchair where I always sit. I'm sure he's keeping an eye on me !! Lol.

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My 'Virgin' OTK

No that's not a misprint......the word 'virgin' on my blog. That photo is evidence of my first OTK spanking, and I think that was the most gentle play I had all weekend !

SO proud !! *grins

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A Dragon M delivery....

The lable that was on the case of wine that was waiting for me when I got back *grins.

That man gets everywhere !!!

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I think I'm awake...

Ok, I'm awake now. I think.

The whole weekend has been lovely. Necessary talking, lots of time all together, and time with just lessa. Perfect.

Last night we all went to a party at Hans and Angel's house. It was so nice to see them again, I don't think that a trip to Holland would be complete with seeing them now. And Hans mended my ring - the ring that Sir and lessa gave me in the summer had lost a part, which he replaced. It meant so much to have the ring complete again.

When we got to the party, I 'hid' again, not knowing if I could get things straight in my head after all that's happened lately. But Sir left me in no doubt who I belonged to before we even got to the play room. He played with us both at first, including one hell of a strong flogging/spanking session. I'd never had one that hard before. Then after we all relaxed and drank with everyone, He played first with lessa on her own, and then me. My session included a lot of different things including breast bondage (god, those ropes were tight !!), spanking/slapping all over and then the wonderful electro play - using the indirect electro so that the electricty passed through his fingers onto me. I was in heaven!! It was a good thing that I didn't have to ask 'mag ik klaar komen alstublieft'' every time because at number eleven I couldn't even remember my own name let alone how to ask permission to come in Dutch!!!

It was a beautiful evening, and I was so proud to be there as his.

This morning, he woke me quite early (about 9am - we didn't go to bed until about 4!!) and we all had breakfast together. Then he took me down to the soutterain and gave me a 'this will last you until I see you again session'. Very hard play again, kneeling, spanking, crawling, and then somethng he wanted to do in private - he's realised the effect that heat has on me. So, several cigarettes very, very close to a certain part of me, and I was in subbie heaven again. Having to stay so still while he did it, not daring to move while feelings build up in me meant that when I could move...oh my god - I couldn't stop coming. Even after we went upstairs, as soon as he lit a cigarette the feelings flooded back and I was gone again. Several erm....noisy explosions later I actually fell into subspace. I've never experienced all of that before, not being able to stop myself having so many orgasms while he's just looking at me. Not touching....just looking. It totally wiped me out, and a few hours back in bed were definitely in order after he'd gone. Last night we counted to eleven - we (well, he) counted how many this morning...wow...never mind a spank for every year to celebrate my birthday, I think all in all this holiday he gave me an orgasm for each year instead !

I spent a lovely afternoon with lessa, shopping for presents for my girls, and now we're back home having a meal together - possibly with an extra cat loving visitor.

It's been an amazing weekend in so many ways, and I can't thank lessa and Sir enough. I love them both dearly.

But you know one of the highlights of the weekend? At the party last night, Sir had me kneel for him in front of their friends - including Hans and the lovely jr. To do something that means so much to me in front of their friends meant the world to me, and it means even more that he recognised this.

He really does understand his fox.

*smles

Just...

Oh

My

God

Last night, my hardest play ever. Then more play afterwards, getting harder. And today he gave me my 'goodbye' present - even harder play....but incorporating something entirely new. I'm still absolutely amazed, and REAllY need to learn to count in Dutch - and no, not to count spankings, but something entirely different!

I really need to go back to bed now - I'm only half lucid (what do you mean, whats new??), and my legs are still shaking. Will post about the lovely time we had and the wonderful people I met later, but for now let's just say....

....I am NEVER going to be able to watch Sir smoking a cigarette again !!

hugggssssssss

Oh Lord !!

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can

I used to have a girlfriend but I guess she just couldn't compete
With all these love starved women who keep clamoring at my feet
Well I probably could find me another but I guess they're all in awe of me
Who cares I never get lonesome 'cause I treasure my own company

I guess you could say I am a loner, a cowboy all locked up and proud
Well I could have lots of friends if I wanted, but then I wouldn't stand out in a crowd
Some folks say that I'm egotistical - hell I don't even know what that means
I guess it has something to do with the way that I fill out my skin tight blue jeans

Grins and RUNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS back to the UK !!

Ok, seriously. For christmas I bought lessa some Portmerion china (well, I live in the
Potteries!!) and a book on the castles of England, one of her passions.

I bought Sir a (tiny) plot of land on the Scottish island where his favourite whisky is made - ownership of any land here gives you the legal title of Lord, hence, he is now legally Lord DragonM, Lord of all he surveys!!

*smiles......but we already knew that.

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Falling in love....

Last night I fell in love. A gentleman who looked at me as if I was gorgeous. He settled beside me as soon as we met and hardly moved away. And he did the most amazing things with his mouth !!!

Grins - DragonM Sir is still in my heart. I fell in love with MsB's cat, Bolle. The kittens were lovely (especially the one that isn't Mickey or Jason whose name I can pronounce !!). But Bolle stole my heart. Whe you stroke him he moves his mouth as if he's talking to you. Sadly, I wasn't allowed to cat nap him.

We all had some amazing talks yesterday, and we're so much stronger for it. Yes, we do need to talk more instead of being afraid of hurting each other. We've learnt that - it's a massive learning curve for us all.

We exchanged presents, we hugged, we kissed, we played a bit. But the most important thing we shared was just time. And again, the strength that Sir gives me allowed me to do something that I thought I'd never do.

Being with Sir and lessa, and with RB, is like being at home. And after the misunderstanding between lessa and I was sorted out, we returned to feelingstrong, secure and loved.

Now that really did feel like coming home.

kusssssssssssssssssssss

Today....

....I was reminded of a lot of things. Lots of talking, all necessary and all worthwhile. Reminded of how wonderful sister hugs are - I'd missed lessa a lot.

And then a reminder of how hard he can spank, cane and flog...and my first OTK spanking! The photos showed a delightful shade of bright red.

And reminded how effective his 'Dom' face is !! That weak at the knees feeling was DEFINITELY there.

And now, off to a reminder of an old friendship.....visiting the current 'caretaker' of lessa's two beautiful kittens, including 'the one who isn't Mickey or Jason!!' *winks at M:e (people - don't even ATTEMPT to understand that !!)

hugs and kisses

Tomorrow....

Ok, Im out of my hiding hole. Kind of.

Tomorrow I'm on the plane to Holland to see Sir and lessa. Not going to be quite the trip we'd planned, I doubt I'll be needing my corset and high heels etc, but there'll be plenty of talking, and thinking.

Who knows what's going to happen. But at least we'll be together, sorting things out. And I still have my christmas presents to give them.

See you next week, maybe.

xx

3 days....

In 3 days I'll be in Holland with Sir and lessa. I'm one hell of a lucky girl, in so many ways.

I have two wonderful sisters, who each look after me and care for me in their very different ways. I hope to be able to give as much back to them one day.

I have many friends, both real time and online, who bring so much pleasure into my life. My horizons have broadened so much this past couple of years, and I know it's made me a better person. I love sharing my life with them, and vice versa. I've met some wonderful people in the lifestyle, all of whom are totally different, all of whom have unique relationships - Dragon M Sir and lessa, MP and M:e, Fian and kd, and others I've met r/t who have made a big impression on me, such as Hans and Angel. It's good for me to see the variety of M/s partnerships - and I really do believe that it's a partnership. It has to be a two way street.

I'm extremely lucky that I have DragonM Sir. He knows that I have many hurdles to jump in my submission, but He doesn't remove the hurdles for me, He makes me strong enough to jump them. I still have many insecurities, which grow less and less with time. I know I'm going to face quite a lot of these fences, but as M:e said the other day, I'm getting to know what my flashpoints will be, and prepare myself for them. I'm getting better at knowing myself.

Sir's patience is amazing. I have a history of pushing myself, to try to prove myself, but with Sir I'm learning that I don't have to. Things will be done in His time, not mine. But He takes care that although we do things in His time, He never lets me feel neglected, never lets me feel that I'm just an additional body He can call on should He choose to do so. Sometimes I make myself feel that I'm an extra burden for Him, but thats of my own making because of my insecurities - not His doing.

He doesn't demand anything from me except honesty - He has never demanded my submission at all, it's freely given. He doesn't give me things to do just to prove my submission, He knows it's there. In my ...shall we say 'worrying' moments.....I sometimes wonder if I give Him what He needs, because I'm in another country, etc. My friends know how much I can worry about the slightest thing. I know that I can't give Him 'more' submission. I can just give Him me.

I know that as time goes on, He will make more demands of me, and I will gladly meet them. But we're going at His pace, as He sees fit *smiles.

I'm giving Him what He wants right now - honesty, an open mind and trust. Other things will slowly come. And I hope that I meet those demands just as happily.

kussssssssssss for my Sir
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Ok....a question.....

I lay in my bath a while ago, exfoliating, scrubbing...generally making myself all soft and lovely, when I had this thought....

Should I instead be taking salt baths or something, trying to toughen my skin up for all the hard play Sir has promised me for next week? *grins. Or should I carry on making my skin as soft and touchable as possible, which of course means I'll mark more easily.

Grins....oh decisions, decisions !!

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Good news....

I had some good news this morning, so I thought I'd share it *smiles.

As some of you may know, I'm after a pub. I've just finished my contract at the school so I'm looking to work in a local pub to get at least six months of experience and then look to finding a pub summer next year, aiming to move in probably around early September. This will coincide with the kids hopefully starting new schools in the area, and also to give me time to get used to it before the busy Christmas season. I have my husband's full support on this, and also the support of Sir, lessa and M:e.

Two weeks ago I attended a training session with one of the major breweries, and pulled my first pint in a long time *grins. They have the majority of suitable size/type pubs in the area and they offer one of the best training and support packages.

I just received a phone call from their area manager, telling me that after a regional meeting yesterday, my name has been added to a 'hot potential' list - any training that comes up they will offer to me free of charge, and they'll arrange for me to get experience in different pubs that are on their books. There's a lot of benefits to being listed, as it means I'm permanently 'there' in their minds which will be of enormous help next summer !! Not many people actually get listed, so it's given me quite an ego boost that, as the gentleman said, my people skills were entirely obvious as was my managerial background. They want to make sure I stay in the fold when it comes to choosing a pub/brewery next year.

I know how much hard work a pub is. I used to work in my aunty's pub, doing virtually all the food and serving behind bar when necessary, and I know I only saw a part of what it takes to run a successful pub. But I'm going to try.

I've been after a pub for a couple of years now, but put it off for a while because I needed to concentrate on my marriage - that was my priority. Now the hard work is only starting, to work and train ready for next summer.

So next Christmas, hopefully, touch wood, keeping my fingers crossed etc, I'll be in a pub - working hard and probably not posting on my blog anymore because I won't have the time !! But it will be worth it.

And it's nice to know that the brwery think I'm worth trying to hold onto as a potential landlady *smiles.

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Baby You're the best......

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

I wasn't lookin', but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The man who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby
Darling, you're the best

Enough said *smiles
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One week....

A week today Sir picks me up from the airport....He's promised an interesting drive home *grins

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Nightwear....

I found this picture of pyjamas - very similar to some cute 'mouse' ones I have. I took them with me to France (erm, no I don't know why either!) but when I teasingly said I'd go and put them on instead of my sexy red nightdress He almost made me wear them just to call my bluff ! I think it would have killed the mood somehow, especially as that was the night that I did the arabic dance for Him ! lol.

Don't think I'll take them to Holland next week *grins

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Push the limits....

Push the Limits is the name of this lovely artwork from Artnam. (Me? Push limits? Let's not get into THAT discussion !! lol). But I saw the picture, and you know my first thought?

Wonder how that hairstyle would look in brown or red??

I kinda didn't notice her being naked etc etc.....I'm normally quite observant about these things - trust me, I normally notice if a gorgeous woman is butt naked !

But I'm considering going from my current very dark brown to more of an auburn, and I sort of didn't notice she had no clothes on.

You think I'm losing my innocence?

xxxxx

There you go lessa !!

grins....for next Saturday night
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Catching up....

I spoke to a friend of mine last night who I've known for many years, but due to her moving away and my resignation from the training organistion we with with, we hadn't spoken for about six - eight months.

It was great to catch up again. We've shared a room at many posh hotels when we've attended national balls and international dinners. One night in particular springs to mind, when I was all dolled up in my finery, having finished the formal part of the evening including toasting the Queen. The disco had started and all of a sudden Amarillo came on. I just dissolved into hysterical laughter (him singing Amarillo was one of the few things that made me call 'RED!' with MP !!). I had visions of him standing with his flogger, marching to Amarillo and talking to all the assembled dignitaries, including international presidents and local MPs and the mayor ! J just looked at me as if I was nuts, and I explained (kind of !!) about the in joke with MP and M:e. It was a fantastic evening. I actually miss those dinners now - never thought I would. I even miss the ball gowns !! *grins

J asked me what I'd been up to since we last met, anything interesting? 'Oh yes !!!' I replied, 'I've been on one of Europe's largest indoor/undergound rollercoasters, been on a speedboat, held a tarantula, had a week in Holland, a few days in the South of France, learnt Arabic dancing, performed a dance for someone, I fly off for weekends abroad.....had an interesting few months'.

I heard her jaw drop. 'You? You hate rollercoasters'.

'Yep.'

'You were terrified of spiders.'

'Yep.'

'You were frightened stiff of flying.....now you fly on your own???'

'Yep,'

'Bloody hell woman.....what are you on? HRT??'

Grins.....I could hardly tell her that nope, wrong initials, it's actually BDSM,. now could I ?

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Back to school....

My older daughter had her parents' day today, and as usual the teacher was over the moon with her performance, they think she's wonderful (she is), they think she's so mature (she is), they think she's lucky to have such supportive parents (*blushes* well I couldn't possibly comment!).

I had issues I had to raise this time however. In various classes the teachers are unable to control the more trouble making element, which leaves the rest of the class unable to learn. It took the english teacher seven lessons just to watch a thirty five minute video of the Tempest. My daughter also came home last week covered in weals and bruises all over her legs where one particularly obnoxious girl had whipped her legs with an elastic band (about 4 foot long, tied around a pupil used to denote different teams in sport). The teacher had already left the class in tears so no-one was controlling the students. She was so upset. I hugged her, talked to her and got the arnica cream.....(trust me sweetheart, this DOES work on bruises).

In my meeting today, I was friendly, took their opinions and points of view into account, but remained firm on wanting to see action and requesting regular feedback in one week, two weeks and then a month to enable me to monitor the situation. Totally professional, still leaving with a smile and a handshake. I never raised my voice or lost my temper.

So why can't I do that in my D/s?

I'm getting so much better at talking to Dragon M Sir, being able to voice concerns or questions. But sometimes I work myself up so much about something that the only way I can approach is to blurt it out, before I lose courage. Each time this happens I explode, then His calm rational approach takes the wind out of my sails, and the anger or frustration dies a death. And each time, after the fireworks, I feel stronger with Him and my submission goes that little bit deeper. I just really, really wish I (and of course Sir) didn't have to experience the whole fireworks too.

I nearly closed my blog yesterday, for various reasons. Pure frustration at so many things led me to the 'delete blog' page. But the lovely things on there over the last few months stopped me doing it.

I know my long term D/s future is with DragonM Sir - I'm not doubting that. Whether its as His fox, His sub, or His slave....as He's been asked....who knows? I'll always be His fox. What we have has to be right between all of us, and none of us are ready to move it forward yet....certainly not me. Nobody elses opinion on whether I'm right for poly matters. We're not poly.......we're us. The three of us.

When I'm in Holland next week, I'll be kneeling for Him at the party on Saturday night. I'll be so proud to do so, but you know what? I wouldn't kneel differently, or play differently, or submit differently to Him if I was collared, tattoed, branded, or had a slave registry number permanently engraved on my arse. I'm still me, I'm still His. I still give Him as much as I can.

I still have one hang up, (no not suspension)that means I find it really hard to let go that final bit in hard play, because I'm afraid of saying something I shouldn't. Lol, even so, He still mangaged to get me to let go enough to get into sub space in France !! He and lessa both know about it, and sort of understand. He still has my no-limits, which I think we all established before in various blog chats actually means I abide by HIS limits. And He applies this no-limits to all aspects of our relationship, not just the play. That surprised me.

He's made me strong enough to admit my weaknesses on here - that took an amazing amount of courage at first. But He's also making me strong enough to acknowledge my strengths. And that's actually harder.

An excerpt from my daughter's report today - it's time that M started having the confidence to believe in herself, to believe that she is more than capable of achieving regardless of what her peers say.

Sound familiar?

I think I need to write lines.....*grins

kussss en knuffels

Waiting....

My youngest daughter is, at this moment, doing her karate grading for her blue belt - I'm almost sick with worry. She, her sister amd Dad all studied karate for about three years, my older daughter gave it up this summer, but my baby is still doing it. She has been practising hard all week with her father, with any luck they'll both come home with blue belts. For my husband, I'm really nervous - he has to have a hip replacement within a couple of months so this will be his last attempt at a belt. For his pride's sake he wants to go out on a high.

My baby isn't really a good loser, if she doesn't get this blue belt she'll be so upset. She hasn't developed my older daughter's sense of well, at least I tried and it was a great experience. Then again, I don't suppose many seven year old have that yet.

So, I'm sitting here nervous as hell, waiting for them to come back. In thirty five minutes it will be over. I can't really go and watch her because we discovered that my presence at karate seems to put her into 'baby' and 'show off' mode, so I have to wait here ...SO hard !!

She deserves to pass for all the hard work she's put in, my husband certainly deserves it just for his don't give up attitude. It actually hurts me to see him practise because of the pain it causes him - his hip is pretty much worn away. If he considers carrying on training after today, I may have to turn Domme and bin his kit. It hurts seeing someone you love hurting so much.

So...fingers crosses that they'll pass. I know that they'll do their best, but I'm not sure how my youngest will handle it if she doesn't get that belt. I'm sure M:e remembers various displays of her 'inability to lose gracefully' *grins.

kusssssssssssssssss

UPDATE

They both got their blue belts!!!! I have a very tired and excited daughter and a very aching husband !! *grins

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Congratulations....

and a few bottles of champagne to my lovely sister on her back lacing. It's gorgeous sweetheart.

Biggg huggs

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The big '100'

Yay me !! I reached the big 100 !! At least as far as my blog is concerned.

Yep, this is my 100th posting. Not bad, considering that when I started my blog, I did it on a one month trial period basis. I’m amazed that I’ve reached this point, as I was never a regular contributor on my old ‘family’ blog.

I started this blog at the end of May – since then there’s been quite a lot of changes and events in my life-

• I quit a lot of my volunteer activities to give me more time with my family
• My husband and I agreed to try again, and stop our divorce – it seems to have worked, we’re happier than we’ve been in a long time
• My girls met Dragon M Sir, lessa and RB – I took them to Holland and spent a week there, and they absolutely loved it, visiting a safari park, a theme park, boat rides, shopping trips and just being all together
• My release
• Dragon M Sir taking me as His fox – teaching me so much, but still so much to learn
• A holiday with Sir and lessa in France
• My assault at school
• Finishing my contract at the school, to the relief of virtually everyone who knows me
• Having the confidence to learn Arabic dancing
• My daughter getting four Outstanding Achievement awards at school
• Re-decorated the entire house!
• Ran a full 6 week activity program at school for over 300 kids
• Got 3 kids onto a university project – a small thing but something I’m SO proud of
• Starting on an ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) course
• Becoming an exam invigilator
• Had minor surgery on my womb
• Held a tarantula
• Went on a rollercoaster and DIDN’T throw up
• Started learning Dutch seriously (and yes, one of the first things I learnt was to ask for permission to come !)
• Rode on a speedboat
• Experienced sub space
• Started another blog, a private one

So many things in such a short time – here’s to my 200th posting *smiles

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2 weeks....

....and still counting !! 2 weeks today I get picked up at Schipol by a VIP *grins.

And I PROMISE, lessa, I won't rip His clothes off !! *laughing

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For lessa....

I saw this picture and thought of lessa straight away !!

Have a great time tomorrow morning sweetheart, you'll be brilliant, and I'll be thinking of you.

Love you
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In her mother's footsteps?

My beautiful seven year old came home from school today, happily skipping alongside me as we walked home. She started telling me in excited whispers that she'd got a boyfriend !!! She told me all about him, then informed me that he had THREE girlfriends...my daughter and her two best friends !! 'But that's ok isn't it Mummy? A boy can have more than one girlfriend can't he? We all get to have MUCH more fun !!'

God help me on the walk home from school tomorrow - apparently, the boy is planning on playing kiss chase !

I still have vivid memories of my daughter sitting contentedly at Dragon M Sir's feet watching Him put His shoes on ready for a trip out....then asking, 'Can I do that for you?' The look on both our faces was priceless - is submission genetic??? Lol.

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A lesson learned, and an apology

‘I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become’

I think that is one of the lessons which I posted from subtle slavegirl’s blog, which I identified with most.

It’s something that a very good friend has told me on a regular basis. That yes, I may view a set of circumstances in a certain way because of my history and experiences, but I can choose how I react to them. It’s that choice that I’m sometimes very bad at.

I think most of my friends would agree that I’ve changed an enormous amount in the past few months, and the way I react to things has changed accordingly. But in some cases, I still revert to my ‘hiding in a cave in self preservation mode’. I did this recently, choosing to hide in my cave over an upset and then come out all guns blazing....at the wrong person.

I often see MP in room in Alt, where we both still visit, albeit it on a less regular basis. We did our usual teasing, tormenting each other, talking about past events which people have often seen us do. The difference was, this time Dragon M Sir was in room too. At the time I enjoyed the chat – it’s fun, and I’m proud of the way that MP and I still relate. We’re good friends and still IM. As you know, MP is going to Holland this week, and will be meeting Dragon M Sir, along with lessa, M:e and Ms Butterfly.

The day after this happened I visited alt again, to be faced with several comments about it being wrong that MP and I are still so friendly. Why? Comments about its wrong that MP and Sir meet and are on friendly terms. Why? According to whose rules??

I got really upset at this, and had a very emotional talk (blushes and admits I was pretty much shouting at her in IM) with M:e about it. I started off blaming MP, saying that he shouldn’t have talked like that in room. But we finally got it down to me admitting that it wasn’t MP’s fault – I actually love joking with him in room, and talking about hotels with nosy managers, and jokes about things we’ve done in the past. What had actually upset me, and made me so, so angry is that the people in room had made me feel as if the relationship we all have was ‘dirty’. I was told that it must be a poly family of 6 or 7 or however many – all the girls are interchangeable, of no value, its all just about sordid sex and multiple partners. Yes, I KNOW they're only online people, but it still hurt.

I am SO proud of the relationship we all have, the way we all interact and look out for each other. I have two sisters who would almost kill for me (and I for them), my kids have two ‘aunties’ who they adore. I have a friend in MP who I know I could go to if I ever needed help. I saw the concern he had for me over the assault at work. Grins….he and I were even discussing the ideal treatments for the ceiling in his office when he showed it to me on cam the other day! And last but by no means least…I have Sir…..who has shown me what I CAN be, if I trust myself and Him enough. He has been so good for me, and I hope to be everything I can be for Him, and for me. I love that man.

Why do people say that this type of friendship is harmful or dirty? We’re all grown up enough not just to stay polite acquaintances, but true friends. M:e and I were teasing on the phone only a few days ago about what she was packing and not packing to take to Holland for when she sees MP. We often talk about lovely times we’ve shared, and I love those memories. I love the way that she and I can talk about what her relationship with him so easily. Seeing MP on cam was great, it was like seeing M:e – a good friend whose company I enjoy – no resentment, no recriminations, just friendship. When we parted company, I had a choice - to become embittered and blame him for everything or to act my age and enjoy his friendship. And for once, I made the right decision.

I owe M:e a big apology for the way I reacted to this whole situation. I blamed her Master for something instead of actually seeing that it was the room’s reaction that I was angry with. And she was rightly protective of him, as I would be of Sir. I wouldn’t want to change the way MP and I interact in room any more than I want to change any of the other relationships we all have.

As for the fools in room who claimed that the girls must be 'interchangable, of no real value'....I've never yet met a Dom more proud of their girls than Dragon M Sir and MP. MP and M:e are perfect together, a wonderful team, and I'm proud to have shared a great year with them. Dragon M Sir and lessa are equally amazing, and I know how much they treasure each other. I can't imagine one without the other, and I'm proud to have my future with them, no matter how many times I nearly screw it up for myself through sheer stupidity and lack of self confidence.

So all the people I love will be together this week, and I hope they have a blast. They deserve a wonderful time together, and I hope they all get the rest and enjoyment that they need.

Big huggsssssssssss for my darling lessa and M:e, 'hugs n stuff' for MP

A huge huge and all my love for Sir, kusssssssssssssss

Lessons....

I found this beautiful piece on the website http://subtle-times.livejournal.com/, by subtle slavegirl. These are just a few of the lessons she mentions, please take the time to read the rest *smiles. Some of these are so apt for me.....

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

kussssssssssssssss

Just in case....

A very special lady had a safe journey to Holland last night, but I thought I'd leave her an umbrella......well, every time I visit her, it rains !! I hope she leaves the rain back home - we don't want any flash floods over there!!

Grins....have a wonderful time over there sweetheart, hug Sir, lessa and RB for me.

huggssssssssssssssssssss

A goodbye text....

This is the text I received from one of my colleagues last night, the text that finally got me crying !!

Just thought I'd give you a final thank you, for all the help regarding courses, my cv, applications etc. Thank you for helping me by making me think for myself. Thanks for our interesting, highly amusing and informative conversations during my hiding days in your office, and a big thank you for getting me through the days when I wished I hadn't come in. The biggest thanks of all are just for being you.

THAT made me cry.

3 weeks.....

...and I'll be in Holland, and getting nervous about a party I'll be attending with Sir and lessa. Sir is planning very hard play for me, and a few new things....oh I can't wait !!!!!

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Goodbye....

I no longer work at ABC High School. I am no longer a school manager. And I have to admit I'm feeling damned relieved about it.

I went to school armed with a mega box of tissues today - my friends will confirm that I'm quite a sensitive, emotion soul at times. But I didn't actually need them until I got home.

All day long I've had people in my office, wanting to say goodbye and wish me luck. It was a good thing I'd already had the handover to the woman who's taking on some of my duties, because today would have been impossible to do anything substantial. Kids were skipping class to come and say goodbye, over forty of them over the course of the day. At lunchtime I was 'requested' to pop along to the staffroom, where I was given an enormous bouquet along with chocolates and a card. I had other presents and cards during the day too. It was lovely to feel that I would be missed.

The colleague whose goodbye I had been really dreading left work at lunchtime, which I think was a good thing (for me anyway) - he gave me the most enormous hug and then grinned at me and said,'how the hell does DragonM get close enough to you with those boobs in the way !!! And aren't they lovely and soft !!' The cheeky sod ran out of reach damn fast, lol.

When my manager made the presentation at lunchtime, he spoke of the wonderful things that I'd done at the school - the summer program, the football academy, the university partnership. It was good to hear the recognition of the things that had gone well, but I was also thinking of the things that could have been wonderful, had the school actually taken things seriously. My replacement (a gym instructor with no experience of any aspect of schools except her immediate role) was already facing problems today - being told that she couldn't have this display cabinet, or this wall for display space, etc etc ....because it was only for her department, it's not a priority. I told her, welcome to my world. I think it shocked her, how little support she was already getting.

But onwards and upwards. I'm planning on cleaning the house top to bottom next week now ( I'm feeling too 'on edge' to have a lazy week), catching up on doctor's appointments and making the most of picking my youngest up from school so that she doesn't have to go to the dreaded after school club.

I'm still on my countdown to visiting Sir and lessa - I've even written a story about part of our holiday in France this past couple of days, due to my er....increased wish to see Him/be with Him/have the arse flogged off me, be chained and whipped, on my kneels begging for mercy *blushes*. OK...it's a LONG time since I was with Him !! Lol. Can't you just guess that the story is rather a sexy one, the way I'm feeling?? *grins

I'm a lucky girl, with much to look forward to in life.

*Raises a glass of Baileys to you all ...cheers!*

kussssssssssssssss

A beautiful rose....

....but I dread to think what a Dom could do with the thorns on a naked girl!

kusssssssssssssss

Leaving....

This is my last week in my current job - my contract runs out on Friday. It's been an eye-opening year, and one that's left me very wary of the education system in the UK. To update my new friends, I work in an inner city high school, providing trips, extra curricular activities and inspirational visits for our kids.

My husband and I made the decision that I wouldn't apply for the contract to be renewed. The stress that this role has caused has affected our family too, and I find myself unable to switch off at night. I've never known an organisation so disinterested in the welfare of its pupils and its staff. Sir, lessa and M:e have all heard my horror stories of working there and I know that they'll understand my decision. But I'm finding it hard to cope with kids who I've worked with for the last year coming up to me in tears because they've heard that this is my last week. Those children who work on the 'TV station' (a room with a video camera) have wanted to get a petition up to keep me. I had to explain that I really wouldn't be staying, and make sure that they knew that it wasn't because of them.

I have never had so many hurdles to climb as I have in this job. Every time I clear one, the head mistress puts another one twice as high before me. Internal politics have destroyed any goodwill that was ever in the school, and staff are resigning at a phenomenal rate - at least two a week. Every facility we ever had is being lost - the swimming pool needs a fortune spending on it before it can be used, the 'state of the art' gymnasium needs a new floor so won't be in use until after Christmas, the sports hall is inadequate and often closed and our football pitches have been replaced by mud pits. And we're a sports college.

I'm masochistic, but not even I can keep banging my head on a brick wall the way I have with this job. It hurts too damn much. But it's hurting even more seeing how upset the kids are when they hear that I'm going.

I will miss some of my colleagues enormously, some of the kids even more so. I know there will be tears on Friday (mine) but I also know the huge sense of relief that I'll feel when I lock my office door for the last time.

I'm planning a quiet week next week, catching up on doctor's appointments etc that are so very hard to organise with the hours I work. However, I know I'll spend quite a bit of that time in 'quiet reflection'. I feel as if I've failed. My sensible head says that no - I haven't failed. The system failed me by preventing so many of the activities I tried. The system let me be assaulted the other week. The system left me alone in a corridor surrounded by twelve big lads, taunting me and calling me every name under the sun. The system has left me with scars on my breasts from where I was pushed into doors and onto metal poles sticking out of doors. I tried my best, and as Sir always says, that's what counts.

So think of me on Friday night - I'l be raising an extremely large glass of Baileys and toasting the staff and kids at that school. I will thank them for thelearning experiences that they've provided for me, and wish them every luck for the future.

Because sadly, they'll need it.

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Why Christmas 2010?....

If you scroll down this page, on the left hand side, you'll see a picture of a Christmas tree, with the words 'For Dragon M Sir ....planning Christmas 2010'. Although I can be extreme in my forward planning for Christmas - I'm not actually being that literal !!

A long time ago I discussed with Him why lessa felt so strong with Him. Amongst many other reasons we talked about how she felt safe and secure with Him. She knew He wasn't going to let her go, or release her, or just disappear - she knew she'd be with Him for His next birthdays, Christmas and so on.

I hadn't felt that before. I have a history of insecurity in my M/s relationships for various reasons, none of which are anyone's fault - it was just the way things turned out; circumstances. So to me, having that confidence, that security was something I couldn't imagine.

As my relationship with DragonM Sir grew, I kept quite a large part of me held back. I looked for reasons why He'd lose interest in me or why it wouldn't work out between us. I know now (and I guess I knew then) that it was self preservation. Keeping a distance, finding reasons not to let myself get too attached. Hurting Him, hurting lessa, hurting myself all figured strongly in my reasoning. Because after all, if I don't get too attached, I won't get so hurt when I lose Him, right?

Wrong.

He killed all my theories. You've all read about my building walls etc etc. My trust in Him grew as did my trust in lessa - that if I hurt her - she'd tell me. I didn't have to second guess all the time and think that my relationship with Sir was hurting her. He'd said all along that He wanted me to feel as safe with Him as lessa does, as confident in Him not walking away from me.

It's often been a case of two steps forwards, one step back. I've had upsets, tantrums, I've walked off in IM conversations (NOT something I'd dare to do again). But after each upset I came back stronger. And His patience and quiet persistance are to thank for a lot of that.

My belief in Him, and in myself has grown enormously. I joked in a previous posting about loving Him 110%. But it says a lot more for me to tell Him that I'm planning Christmas 2010 ; it shows that I believe that He will be there for me, and I for Him for a long time to come. He's not disappearing. It demonstrates my belief in Him, and in lessa.

A lot of my posts are jokey, or 'cuddly'. I sometimes share problems that I've had, and I often share how I've grown. I'm not given to huge outbursts of sentimentality or declarations of love.

But today I'll go out on a limb. That Man has given me so much in a relatively short period of time that He deserves all the love, fun, belief, trust and affection that I can give Him. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to be myself with Him, and for allowing me to give Him what I give Him. My belief in Him gave me the strength to know that I'm going to be with Him for a long time, hence my 'planning Christmas 2010' post.

You and lessa have become massively important in my life, and I love you both enormously.

And of that, I'm 200% sure.

All my love Sir

Your fox.

kussssssssssssssss

Mathmatically speaking.....

....I've never believed in any percentage over 100 (except its common usage in terms of mark ups and profit margins in business), and this has been a long, ongoing battle between myself and others *grins. I mean, it's like giving someone 12 out of 10 for doing something well !! It's not mathmatically correct.

But....er....how can I put this? I was 'persuaded' today (He did the Dom thing on me !) that although I don't believe it, and Sir would never wish for me to change my views just to fit in with Him, I accept that some people do believe in percentages over 100, so........

(oh god clare, get it over with!)

Sir ....I love You 110%

There !! I said it !!!

grins

Technically challenged....

....but I managed to add a hit counter to my blog !!!!!!!

Yes, I know it's relatively easy but I'm not gifted with computer technology, as M:e will testify. When we both first set up our individual blogs, I had to ask her how to add links and she taught me. So even this small thing is an achievement for me.

*pats myself on the back

I added a counter last night and overnight got over eighty hits - I was amazed. However I deleted that counter and installed a Bravenet one as it gives other stats too, so I'm starting from scratch again. Grins - *does a happy subbie dance*

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Countdown commencing....

On 30th November, I'm flying to Holland to be with Dragon M Sir and lessa again....so the countdown has begun in earnest !!

I really can't wait until I see them again. It's only two months since our French holiday, but it seems so much longer than that sometimes. We all have a fantastic relationship in between visits though...daily phone calls, regular IM, lots of texting - so I never feel 'abandoned' or unwanted. I sometimes make myself feel in the way as I've mentioned before, but that happens so rarely now - I've grown much, much stronger. My Sir is in another country, but He never makes me feel as though He is. He's always there with me, along with lessa.

During my trip, they're planning on us all visiting Hans' private playrooms/dungeon. Hans is a lovely gentleman, and I'm so glad that we're going to see him again. This will be a new thing for me - we all went to a play party in Holland in January,I know, but this will be different - I will be there as Dragon M Sir's fox.

Some things I feel pretty strongly about, kneeling being the prime example. The first time I knelt for Sir, we planned it. He left me alone in the souterrain for a while, to leave me to my own thoughts, and came back to find me in His favourite position, the Tower. He whispered to me how beautiful I was...how much He loved this - I felt so, so proud. In a few weeks I will be kneeling for Him again - in front of a great many of His and lessa's friends.

I will again be very proud to kneel for Him, it really is a big thing for me, as it is with most subs. To kneel for Him publicly will be wonderful, but a little scary - it will be people He and lessa have known for a long time seeing me submit to Him. And I think that on the night, they'll be surprised.

As I've gained more confidence in myself, in my submission to Dragon M Sir, and my trust in Him has grown, I've been able to take far more from Him. I like hard play, and I've taken much harder play each time we've met. As He's said before, He doesnt believe in part time submission, it's 24/7 despite the fact that we live in different countries. As I've grown in confidence about my submission - grown 'into' it, if you like, my ability to take pain has also shot WAY up. The trust and belief I have in Him now are amazing, and as I feel stronger mentally, I get stronger physically too. Lessa sat open mouthed at one point at the play I took in France , although she has now taken the same level of pain from Him. Sir has some seriously heavy play planned for me this time, so it will be interesting to see some of the reactions !!

The only people who have known me both with my last Master and with Dragon M Sir, and who I've seen since I became His, are people to whom I am particularly close. At the play party that He and lessa are taking me to in a few weeks, it will be mainly THEIR friends who will see me for the first time as His fox. I think I'm nervous about being accepted, I hope they know that I take nothing away from lessa, and how much I love her. I'm crossing my fingers that when they see how happy Sir is with me, and with the way that lessa and I are together they'll accept me BECAUSE our situation helps to make them happy.

I know - other people's opinions shouldn't count, but these are people that Sir and lessa have known for a long time, and I want to make a good impression. I want to make them BOTH proud of me.

Because I'm sooooo proud of them, and of being with them. All my love to you both.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Happy Halloween

I wonder which Doms would prefer to do? Carving the pumpkin or carving the girl ?! *perks at knife play*

Planning France 2011

Imagine its 2010.....we girls want to get started planning important things, like our annual trip to France next year - our 5th anniversary

lessa: hugsssssssssssssssssss her sis.... hey.... the date is set...
lessa: september 6 2011....
lessa: and a couple of days later our guests will arive.. but first a few days that castle for the three of us...
clare: now I just can't wait to see the dungeon...
clare: grins
lessa: I wonder what Dante and tiggr will say.... if they see this castle...
clare: they'll say ..which bedroom will we have? grins
lessa: such a great idea of DragonM to invite a few very close friends for a week...
lessa: can't wait to see Angel and Hans there... and jr and sergantP
clare: uhmmm.. the bedroom with the big bed is for DragonM and us..
lessa: with the beams...
clare: lol !!
lessa: now have you any idea what he has in mind for those first few days alone?
clare: So looking forward to just being with Him. The thought of His arms around us…..and what we’ll all do after we leave the warmth of the log fire in the main room, and make our way upstairs. All of us in that big bed…..wondering if He brought the cane……the flogger…..He will have two very, very excited girls.
lessa: OK... now I am melting, and already it is so hard to wait till we finally can go
clare: And of course, any ice we didn't use in our drinks downstairs will, we're sure, be put to excellent use in bed
clare: of course !!! *big innocent smile
lessa: heyyyyyyyyy, now I am having goosebumps... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
clare: we deserve more then that
lessa: mmmmm, well I am wondering if M:e and Mike will be able to make it, they are on holiday together just before our week
clare: I'd love to see them - it would be lovely if all our friends could be there
lessa: I do hope we have some time to visit some of those nice Perigord Noir sites we all love
lessa: do you remember the first time the three of us went together... already 5 years ago
clare: nodding hard.....all those dark caves...sooo many places for us to be in *weg*
clare: 5 years !! that long ??? I remember it so well
lessa: mmmm, you loved those caves, and the midnite walks
lessa: but now we are gonna have a France special with so many close friends
clare: the midnight walks....the long trips to that lake nearby.....
lessa: I think even Fian and kd will be able to make it
lessa: oh boy, we need a kitchen schedule
clare: *raises hand....erm...can I do the cooking????
clare: grins
lessa: uhmmm, you will need somne help!
clare: and I'll even dress as a maid for Sir!
lessa: hugsssssssssss her sis... that sure will surprise him!
clare: surely the best person to help in the kitchen would be 'spice' ?? *grins
lessa: ohhhhhhhh yes, and sergeantP can peel potatoes...
clare: huggsss..I love seeing Him so happy...remember that first time in France when we knelt for Him..in togas?
lessa: yes, heyyyyy, maybe it would be an idea if all of us ladies had one of those
clare: yesssss.....all of the men so proud *smiles
lessa: well, as long as DragonM is proud of us, then I am ever so happy
clare: whispers ...best keep M:e out of the kitchen - I remember how dangerous she is with a wooden spoon !!! *grins
clare: smiles...yep, He's the important one
lessa: ohhhhhh, do tell me *winks*
clare: *coughs* chasing a certain Dom around a kitchen with it ...smacking a poor sister's bare bottom with it......
lessa: ooopsssssssss.... mmmmm, now I can't se that happening in such a lovely castle...
clare: that first time in France was the first time I begged for His cane
clare: grins.....but in that lovely castle..so much more room to chase a Dom around !!
lessa: all those lovely memories... and we are gonna make so much more... 2011... 2016.... 2021... mmmmmmmmmmm
clare: smiles....i LOVE making memories with you and Sir
clare: grins...so many memories....kinky and otherwise !
lessa: mmmmmmm... love you..lots.....
clare: love you so much
lessa: cheers, to many more years of DragonM and us!

With all our love to DragonM, from His fox and His lessa

Changes....

NOT the kind of clothes I wear to my office job! But yes, I do wear pinstripes!!

I flopped down to go online for a short while yesterday after spending a few hours sorting through my wardrobes. I needed a rest - lol - I cleared out twelve bags of old clothes altogether !! I had a brief chat with M:e on IM about how we both found it easier now to throw things out - we had less inclination to hang onto things 'just in case'.

The clear out made me realise how much I've changed in some respects. My taste in clothes has changed beyond recognition in the past couple of years. My elder daughter will often see something in my wardrobe and say, 'hmmm.....that's not really you anymore is it Mum?'. The majority of my clothes used to make me blend in - become part of the background. I very rarely used to wear accessories because I deemed them a bit of a waste of time.

On Wednesday, my mother went shopping and bought me a top and jeans that she said were just my thing. Grins - she sees fantastic bargains when she's in Marks & Spencers !! When I saw them, I was quite surprised. A long baggy pink blouse ...did she really see me as wearing somthing like that ? But I realised that I had worn things like that for a long time, she just doesn't see me enough to know that I've changed, both in what I wear and in the way I am. For a long time I used to live in leggings and baggy t-shirts - I won't even wear them to go to bed in now !!

Last week at work, I was told by a colleague that I was in the male staff's 'top ten' of women at work that they'd like to ....er....*blushes*....get friendly with (and before ANYONE says it - no, thats NOT a top ten of only ten women, theres 62 women at work !!).After I dried up all the tears of laughter, picked myself off the floor and stopped hyperventilating he told me that its partly because of the way I dress and look, but partly because there's just 'something about me'. I'm fun, can talk about anything, they love the fact that I don't act differently with the men than the women. I don't put on an act. My colleague told me (with a twinkle in his eye) that I come across as someone who could be a very, very bad girl, and that's what the men love - they'd love to find out just how bad I can be. Grins....they have NO idea !!!

I'm not a small, thin woman by any stretch of the imagination ( and I have a good imagination). So it's lovely to hear this kind of comment, because as my friends know I've had enough negative comments about my size to last a lifetime.

Yes, I still have insecurities in my M/s life, that I generate myself, but in general my self confidence has soared. I'm a pretty strong, confident woman at work and a lot of that is thanks to my M/s life.

I do things now I never thought I'd do - fly to other countries on my own, take the kids abroad without my husband, I've just booked a private house in France for a weeks holiday with my husband and kids next year and am booking flights seperately- I'm not going on a 'safe' package holiday !! Dragon M Sir has said He'll let me practice driving His car to get used to driving on the wrong ......er I mean right side of the road. These are just a few of the things I now have the confidence to do.

Two weeks ago I was assaulted at work. A pupil kept slapping and punching me extremely viciously - I've had to report the assault and use several trees worth of paper to go through all the formalities. I've been told that if I proceed with all of this paperwork and get this boy - a strapping six footer - dealt with I'll probably get his gang of friends/monkeys to intimidate and threaten me.

But, I'm going ahead with it anyway. He will NOT get away with it. I'll see them on the corridors and I'll handle it. I won't let see how much he hurt me.

Now that's confidence.

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A hint....

I'm counting down now until my trip to see Sir and lessa on November 30th - He knows how much I need a spanking and some hard play *smiles (and hopefully He'll allow it !) so I thought I'd leave a picture of a beautiful bare bum - a blank canvas - for Him.......just to remind Him! *grins

kussssssssssssss
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Question time....

I went for an interview today, which instead of being the allocated one hour extended to two !!

Some of the questions I was asked (and the answers I didn't give !!)-

Do you see yourself as a leader?
Er.....more of a follower actually. I mean..have you ever tried leading Dragon M Sir???

Do you have problems taking orders?
Erm....nope, not from Dragon M *winks

Would you have any problems travelling?
Nope - I travel to Holland as much as possible

Are you open to the idea of training?
I'm very open to the idea of training, in fact I'm undergoing BDSM training right now

What training tools are you familiar with?
*blushes* cane, crop and a lovely rubber flogger

Are you familiar with disciplinary procedures?
Absolutely - Sir and I discuss where I went wrong, and how to rectify it. He doesn't use physical punishment but He does use.....oh wait !!! *slaps forehead* sorry !! misunderstood that one !!

What are your feelings on equal opportunities?
I endorse them wholeheartedly. I want an equal opportunity to get a spanked ass !

What hobbies do you have?
Kinky sex, kneeling for my Sir, being beaten, caned, flogged, spanked, caned, candle wax dripped on me, fisting, cropping, being chained, being made to crawl, sex chat rooms, reading my friends BDSM blogs, being my Sir's fox and pleasing Him in every way I can, needle play, knife play..........oh, and I like to bake

Here was a strange one.....do you consider yourself shy or outgoing?
Erm....I've had threesomes, had my then Master doing hard play on me in front of my two sisters and Dragon M Sir, had full play in a public play party, walked around naked with a VERY red arse in front of a full room, walked naked outdoors hand in hand with my sister in France, had my Sir beating my arse whilst I leant against the outside wall of a dilapidated cottage, sat in the back of Sir's car chained and half naked on the way to our cottage, walked around a Dutch safari park for a day wearing a vibrator which SOMEONE kept tutning on and off...on and off...all day long and didn't give permission !!!!!........DON'T think shy would apply !!

I would have LOVED to have given some of those answers ! *grins

Instead I was my usual professional, restrained, calm self and answered them all in a way that would make Dragon M Sir proud. But it's amazing how my M/s life can give me a slightly 'twisted' view on everyday things *grins.

Can't wait for my next interview !!!!

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Still learning....

Wow...no posts for ages, then two in one day.

I mentioned in a previous post about my tendency to hide - to build my wall. This happened again this week, quite severely.

Different factors over a period of about a week had left me feeling vulnerable and pretty weak. Some problems were M/s related - but of my own making - others weren't. Job problems, kid stuff, an assault at work all added up to my feeling so low. It pretty much came to a head one night this week when in IM with Sir, I mentally shut Him out, basically not talking with Him and doing my hiding routine. I took down one of my postings from this blog, and actually tried to temporarily close it - not permanently because I have too many precious memories on here.

The next day I talked it over with lessa, trying to explain exactly why I'd reacted the way I had, also giving her a copy of the explanatory e-mail that I had sent to Sir. But, how do I explain something I don't understand myself??

In a previous M/s relationship, I felt able to share only the 'good' side of me. I tried not to show any problems, however sometimes not showing them caused more difficulties in the end. When I had issues, and insecurity problems, I would try to shut myself away from him until they were solved and then emerge, thus keeping the negative side hidden away.

Lessa pointed something out to me - that submission isn't just the fun stuff, it's letting Him see the bad stuff too. She also pointed out that I gave Him the right to see all of me not just the bits I chose to show when I gave Him my submission. Basically - my sister kicked my arse, and not gently.

My discussion with her led to us narrowing down one of my problems - I actually get quite scared at how intense my feelings are. I've only known Sir since January real time, and obviously this past few months have really been a whirlwind. My release, my holiday with Sir and lessa and my daughters in Holland, then my holiday with them in France. So a lot in a relatively short space of time. It sometimes seems difficult to justify such strong feelings for Him after such a short time. But......do I need to justify? And to whom? I find it hard to comprehend how I can feel so safe and secure with Him, and still doubt myself so much, or at least my ability to please Him, to be what/who He wants.

I sometimes get scared of hurting Sir, lessa and yes....of hurting myself. And occasionally my old 'lets hide and create a distance between us so I don't get too close and get hurt' routine seems such an easy solution. But as lessa pointed out (rather forcefully!) submission isn't meant to always be easy, and besides....we don't quit !!

So I will listen to my sister and my Sir. I'll buckle down and get through my 'rough patch' - He knows whats on my mind, and He's still on my side of my wall. He isn't going anywhere else, and I know that lessa is with Him.

No-one else will ever cause enough insecurity to threaten what Sir, lessa and I have - I'm the only one who can threaten it, through my own insecurities. So I need to get those under control. It will happen. It's just a matter of time.

In the past, I've often been told one thing and seen something entirely different.

I just have to remember that Dragon M Sir is NOT one of those who have done that to me - ever - so, as lessa said, why make Him pay the price?


kusssssssssssss Sir, kussssssssssssss lessa