A lesson learned, and an apology

‘I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become’

I think that is one of the lessons which I posted from subtle slavegirl’s blog, which I identified with most.

It’s something that a very good friend has told me on a regular basis. That yes, I may view a set of circumstances in a certain way because of my history and experiences, but I can choose how I react to them. It’s that choice that I’m sometimes very bad at.

I think most of my friends would agree that I’ve changed an enormous amount in the past few months, and the way I react to things has changed accordingly. But in some cases, I still revert to my ‘hiding in a cave in self preservation mode’. I did this recently, choosing to hide in my cave over an upset and then come out all guns blazing....at the wrong person.

I often see MP in room in Alt, where we both still visit, albeit it on a less regular basis. We did our usual teasing, tormenting each other, talking about past events which people have often seen us do. The difference was, this time Dragon M Sir was in room too. At the time I enjoyed the chat – it’s fun, and I’m proud of the way that MP and I still relate. We’re good friends and still IM. As you know, MP is going to Holland this week, and will be meeting Dragon M Sir, along with lessa, M:e and Ms Butterfly.

The day after this happened I visited alt again, to be faced with several comments about it being wrong that MP and I are still so friendly. Why? Comments about its wrong that MP and Sir meet and are on friendly terms. Why? According to whose rules??

I got really upset at this, and had a very emotional talk (blushes and admits I was pretty much shouting at her in IM) with M:e about it. I started off blaming MP, saying that he shouldn’t have talked like that in room. But we finally got it down to me admitting that it wasn’t MP’s fault – I actually love joking with him in room, and talking about hotels with nosy managers, and jokes about things we’ve done in the past. What had actually upset me, and made me so, so angry is that the people in room had made me feel as if the relationship we all have was ‘dirty’. I was told that it must be a poly family of 6 or 7 or however many – all the girls are interchangeable, of no value, its all just about sordid sex and multiple partners. Yes, I KNOW they're only online people, but it still hurt.

I am SO proud of the relationship we all have, the way we all interact and look out for each other. I have two sisters who would almost kill for me (and I for them), my kids have two ‘aunties’ who they adore. I have a friend in MP who I know I could go to if I ever needed help. I saw the concern he had for me over the assault at work. Grins….he and I were even discussing the ideal treatments for the ceiling in his office when he showed it to me on cam the other day! And last but by no means least…I have Sir…..who has shown me what I CAN be, if I trust myself and Him enough. He has been so good for me, and I hope to be everything I can be for Him, and for me. I love that man.

Why do people say that this type of friendship is harmful or dirty? We’re all grown up enough not just to stay polite acquaintances, but true friends. M:e and I were teasing on the phone only a few days ago about what she was packing and not packing to take to Holland for when she sees MP. We often talk about lovely times we’ve shared, and I love those memories. I love the way that she and I can talk about what her relationship with him so easily. Seeing MP on cam was great, it was like seeing M:e – a good friend whose company I enjoy – no resentment, no recriminations, just friendship. When we parted company, I had a choice - to become embittered and blame him for everything or to act my age and enjoy his friendship. And for once, I made the right decision.

I owe M:e a big apology for the way I reacted to this whole situation. I blamed her Master for something instead of actually seeing that it was the room’s reaction that I was angry with. And she was rightly protective of him, as I would be of Sir. I wouldn’t want to change the way MP and I interact in room any more than I want to change any of the other relationships we all have.

As for the fools in room who claimed that the girls must be 'interchangable, of no real value'....I've never yet met a Dom more proud of their girls than Dragon M Sir and MP. MP and M:e are perfect together, a wonderful team, and I'm proud to have shared a great year with them. Dragon M Sir and lessa are equally amazing, and I know how much they treasure each other. I can't imagine one without the other, and I'm proud to have my future with them, no matter how many times I nearly screw it up for myself through sheer stupidity and lack of self confidence.

So all the people I love will be together this week, and I hope they have a blast. They deserve a wonderful time together, and I hope they all get the rest and enjoyment that they need.

Big huggsssssssssss for my darling lessa and M:e, 'hugs n stuff' for MP

A huge huge and all my love for Sir, kusssssssssssssss