If you scroll down this page, on the left hand side, you'll see a picture of a Christmas tree, with the words 'For Dragon M Sir ....planning Christmas 2010'. Although I can be extreme in my forward planning for Christmas - I'm not actually being that literal !!
A long time ago I discussed with Him why lessa felt so strong with Him. Amongst many other reasons we talked about how she felt safe and secure with Him. She knew He wasn't going to let her go, or release her, or just disappear - she knew she'd be with Him for His next birthdays, Christmas and so on.
I hadn't felt that before. I have a history of insecurity in my M/s relationships for various reasons, none of which are anyone's fault - it was just the way things turned out; circumstances. So to me, having that confidence, that security was something I couldn't imagine.
As my relationship with DragonM Sir grew, I kept quite a large part of me held back. I looked for reasons why He'd lose interest in me or why it wouldn't work out between us. I know now (and I guess I knew then) that it was self preservation. Keeping a distance, finding reasons not to let myself get too attached. Hurting Him, hurting lessa, hurting myself all figured strongly in my reasoning. Because after all, if I don't get too attached, I won't get so hurt when I lose Him, right?
Wrong.
He killed all my theories. You've all read about my building walls etc etc. My trust in Him grew as did my trust in lessa - that if I hurt her - she'd tell me. I didn't have to second guess all the time and think that my relationship with Sir was hurting her. He'd said all along that He wanted me to feel as safe with Him as lessa does, as confident in Him not walking away from me.
It's often been a case of two steps forwards, one step back. I've had upsets, tantrums, I've walked off in IM conversations (NOT something I'd dare to do again). But after each upset I came back stronger. And His patience and quiet persistance are to thank for a lot of that.
My belief in Him, and in myself has grown enormously. I joked in a previous posting about loving Him 110%. But it says a lot more for me to tell Him that I'm planning Christmas 2010 ; it shows that I believe that He will be there for me, and I for Him for a long time to come. He's not disappearing. It demonstrates my belief in Him, and in lessa.
A lot of my posts are jokey, or 'cuddly'. I sometimes share problems that I've had, and I often share how I've grown. I'm not given to huge outbursts of sentimentality or declarations of love.
But today I'll go out on a limb. That Man has given me so much in a relatively short period of time that He deserves all the love, fun, belief, trust and affection that I can give Him. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to be myself with Him, and for allowing me to give Him what I give Him. My belief in Him gave me the strength to know that I'm going to be with Him for a long time, hence my 'planning Christmas 2010' post.
You and lessa have become massively important in my life, and I love you both enormously.
And of that, I'm 200% sure.
All my love Sir
Your fox.
kussssssssssssssss
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4 comments:
Hi sweets,
OK, I totally get the sentiment and all but seriously, 110% and 200% are just impossibilities... give him 100% and that's the very ebst that you can do and that he can ever expect. Sorry to be anal but I hate expectations and unreasonable expectations or glorified expectations bug me even more.
And your love, devotion, trust faith and adoration for Dragon and Lessa shine through every word of every post and every comment and every email because they are a part of your heart and inside your soul...
No one who knows you at all doubts the reality of that truth!
But the post (and the tree) are beautiful...
Love you,
Tiggs
OK... it's late... and I have to go to bed... but had to tell you I love this posting... and uhmmmm, you... rather.... a bit....
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smiles and hugggs tiggr-
Sir always has my 100% best - He knows that, and that's all He ever expects, for me to do my best. He'll never be annoyed with me for not achieving, only for not trying.
The 'percentage' statement is related to an ongoing joke between us all, that goes back as far as Mike and M:e - I always refused to say any percentage over 100!!
As I said - He would never expect me to accept an alien view such as that just because He told me to. The statement came after a phone call (grins....no, no details will be posted on that !!).
The post showed Him that I am confident enough in myself to accept other peoples views, as different from mine as they might be.
Grins - He knows how much I love Him. As my older daughter says, I 'love Him up to the moon and stars'....
...but I ain't gonna become an astronaut just to make it literal !!
hugggs tiggr for her concern
hugggs lessa - love you a tiny, tiny bit too *big grins and a kusssssssssss*
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Beautiful :-D sweet greetz from musi
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