A difficult week....

This post really came about after reading lessa's post today on her blog.

I've had a difficult week for many reasons. I've had to fight the 'powers that be' at the school where I work to be able to spend the money in my budget on the school trips over the summer holiday. My work is being treated as an optional extra in terms of school priorities, which means that the kids aren't getting the chances they deserve. I have to spend a good part of this weekend preparing paperwork to be able to force their hand and allow me to spend this money. Monday will be a huge battle.

I had a job interview down south on Wednesday - this entailed eight hours of driving on the hottest day yet with no air con in the car. I was ill on the way home, and its left me pretty ill for a couple of days. I'm planning to try to eat something today to get my strength back up again - I feel so washed out. The interview went well, and I got to play with a litter of six week old labrador pups - you all know how much I love dogs.

My continual fighting with the management at school is what has lead me to look for another job. I love being able to help the kids - so much - but I'm not being allowed to do my job. It feels like a 'cop out' - but its got to the stage where the stress of the continual battling is getting to me.

The worst part of the week was the fact that the interview was on Wednesday - my younger daughter's sports day. For the first time, I wasn't there at something that was important to her and I felt so low about it. I feel that I let her down, and the way she had tears in her eyes on the morning of sports day felt like a massive punch in the stomach. Mummy wasn't there for her. But I had to weigh up the pros and cons of going for the interview - she'll benefit far more in the long term from a mum that isn't so stressed from work. I realise that any job has stress and problems, but the current position just seems a futile battle at times.

Anybody want to guess how many times I've cried myself to sleep this week?

The conversation I had with lessa and Dragon M Sir last night was lovely - I'd missed seeing them so much this much. But I even upset myself over that in the end. I pretty much pulled out of the conversation and went into hiding. This week has just left me so low that I don't feel equipped to handle normal conversations. I can be genuinely happy for a while, then something will hit home and get me worried, then I go into hiding. At work....I've fought all week and been strong and not taken any 'crap'. I think that sometimes leaves me less emotionally able to deal with private issues. Nobody at work ever sees me weak......Im always strong there.

Let's hope that over the next couple of weeks things settle down.

Smiles....I'm spending this afternoon at my mum's holiday caravan - a bbq, bike rides and fun with the kids. Proper mum and daughter time. And I'll enjoy the chance to just wind down and be me. No fighting.

love and huggs

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