An unexpected learning experience...

OK..remember I said I was going to try new things?

I've just booked a dance tutor to come into school over the summer holiday to teach three forms of dance to our students and parents - salsa, banghra and arabic (also known as belly dancing). I've already told some of my friends that I'll be brave and do the lessons when she comes in August.

Well...............she came in this afternoon.

She'd decided to bring all her paperwork and legal necessities in today, so while she was here offered to show me the belly dancing.


This lovely lady chose some arabic music from the very well stocked mp3 player on her mobile phone (embarrassingly, I've only got S Club 7 and Suga Babes on mine) proceeded to show me the hip movements, shoulder turns and various other undulations and obviously followed that with the dreaded words ....'come on Clare ...you try it !!'(and YES I know I've got the belly for it !!).

I took a deep breath...uttered several excuses...then tried it - after making damn sure all the doors were firmly locked with no chance of anyone coming to watch ! And I loved it. It's a very sensual dance to watch, and I can imagine that if you are very practised at it and know what you're doing it's a very erotic dance to perform for a special person.

I did the arm movements, the hip wiggle and the shoulder shimmy. I even had a go of the little finger cymbals !! It was actually one of the most enjoyable hours I've spent at school! I've also booked her to do a lesson as part of a staff social in a couple of weeks, so I'll have another try. And yes, when she comes back in August, I'll be having go again. I enjoyed doing it, so why not ? I've done it in private ...the next step - a big one - is to do it in front of friends.

At 2pm today I told a friend....I'm going to make myself have a go at arabic dancing this year.

At 4pm today .....I had *smiles

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Voyage....

After a few unsettled weeks, I’m finally feeling far more relaxed about so many things. I’ve been lucky to have lots of good friends supporting me and I’ve had the chance to catch up with a new friend.

To use an analogy (as I’m fond of doing *winks at elle) my ship was bobbing in the water with me unsure of where it was going. I now know which direction I’m heading in and I’m planning to enjoy the journey to the fullest. The last few days have assured me that I don’t need to know the full itinery. I don’t even need to know the exact final destination, just …. ‘I wanna go that way!’ and know that I'm going in the direction planned for me.

I’ll make the most of the ports of call along the way, in full knowledge that there’s no pressure to get to the end of the cruise. I’m extremely fortunate that my ship has a very loving, very strong crew. I'm feeling very happy, and very contented right now having so many things sorted in my head.

So here’s to my cruise – may it be adventurous, fun, educational, exciting, loving…..

….and may it cover the world.

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Cate...

A thank you for a very lovely lady, both for the wonderful chat we finally had last night, and for making someone special very happy.

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Just say no....??

I was lucky enough (?) to have another meeting with the little darlings at school today who are involved in helping me to get activities up and running.

Guess who is now going paintballing????

I really need to practice saying no !! lol

*sighs and asks elle to pass me some more arnica cream for the bruises*winks*

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Proud Mum...

I have to do this...I couldn't resist....

..MY DAUGHTER IS FANTASTIC!!!!

I went to my older daughter's parents' evening yesterday - to be told how amazing, wonderful, hard working, caring and clever she is. Another heart bursting with pride moment for me.

A girl who used to be really shy when she was younger, she has got distinctions in performing arts and is regularly asked to perform at local council events. She's developed so much this past couple of years, I'm incredibly proud.

So today, I'll be wearing a smug grin at work....god help them !!

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Thank You....

Visitors to my blog who also visit lessa’s will have picked up that there is lots of teasing between us all about September, and about France. So I thought, having sought Master’s permission, that I’d explain.

Dragon M Sir and lessa are due to go on their much loved holiday together to France in September, and have very graciously invited me along. As a friend, yes – but also as a submissive. Dragon M Sir asked Master’s permission to take me and this was agreed – they discussed limits between them, regarding what would happen once we got there.

Master has given Dragon M Sir a ‘no limits’ situation with me – the no limits that I have with Master, He has given Dragon M Sir for the time that I am with Him and lessa. He has done this knowing that Dragon M Sir will take the same care with me as He does with His own girl – Master knows that I’m in safe hands. Having met our Dutch friends in real and spent quite a bit of time with them, the trust is there to enable this.

Me being the ‘less sure of myself’ girl in Master’s charge, I had to query with Him for my own peace of mind whether this ‘no limits’ situation was a kind way of saying that He didn’t feel that He wanted me anymore (ok..i TOLD you I’m a bit unsure sometimes!!). He assured me that this was the furthest thing from His mind, that He wanted Dragon M Sir to be free to be able to treat me in a different way than Master Himself does, but with the same care. I know – the question should never have entered my head, but as my friends know, my background and events in recent years have knocked my self confidence somewhat. Master has suspended the family for a while, to allow us to grow as independant subbies - this is an extension of that.

I’ve already posted of how I think of lessa as my sister, just with a different Master. I have a great deal of respect for Dragon M Sir, and He has spent a lot of time getting to know me this past six months. They are both very good friends.

Master has agreed to me going to France, hopefully in the knowledge that I will show Dragon M Sir the same respect and consideration that I show Him. I would certainly hope that I don’t do anything whilst in France that would let Master down. I’m sure that I’ll learn a lot while I’m there.

So, when there’s teasing on the blogs about France, September, chocolate, outdoor play, the old song ‘No Limits’ by that terrible Dutch group 2 Unlimited *hides!!* you’ll know why *grins.

Thank You to my darling Master for trusting me and allowing this *soft kisses. And thank you to Dragon M Sir and my lovely Dutch sister for inviting me.

Giving me this freedom for a while in France doesn’t make me less of a submissive to You….

….it makes me more so.

All my love
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Excuses, excuses.....

Ok...a little help here please.....

I would LOVE some suggestions for excuses er......I mean reasons....why I can't go paintballing on a school trip at the end of August !!

I don't want to get hit with paintballs! *sobs* The kids will all aim for me ! And I really, REALLY don't want to get all bruised and injured before I even get to France with lessa and Dragon M Sir! lol

All suggestions gratefully received *grins

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Welcome back......

For elle - thank you for the lovely chats we've had today on phone and online - like we said, I feel like we've got 'us' back again. Welcome back *smiles.

Love you sweetheart
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Bliss....

Ok...I SHOULD have been out buying wallpaper this afternoon, but the girls begged me to have a bbq, so.........burgers, hotdogs, pasta salad, mixed salad, steaks, pork steaks, jacket potatoes, garlic bread and spicy potato wedges. Ohhhh...and brownies !!!!!

It was a beautiful day so I decided to make the most of it this afternoon, my eldest daughter had a friend around and we had a lovely time.

At the moment, the girls are in the garden. I can hear them as I type - laughing and playing football. A lovely breeze is drifting into my office and I'm feeling pretty contented *smiles. Happy girls, happy Mum.

Hugs to everyone - enjoy your weekend, whatever you do.

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Feeling Fruity !

grins - how can I put this politely.....

this is the only orange ANYTHING I'm going near ...especially those hose !!!!

laughs, hugs and kisses
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Halfway....

Long term friends know that when elle and I shared the Submissive Sisters site, I wasn’t a regular contributor. There were quite a few reasons for that, all of which Master and elle know about.

When I started this blog, it surprised a few people (not least of whom myself). I made a deal with myself to blog for a month and see how I felt about it. Well, its half way through my trial period now, so as with any good project I’m doing a midway review.

I hope I’ve represented Master well. I saw another blog yesterday where the home page had more swearing than acceptable language. Really in-your-face, out and out hostile words – how can anyone be proud of that? Why portray yourself as being so rude and lacking in vocabulary? It amazed me that anyone would want to give that impression of themselves – or of their Dom. Master doesn’t expect – and wouldn’t accept - that language from His girls.

I’ve enjoyed being able to post my feelings, or anecdotes about what has happened to me. I love having a ‘home’ on the internet. I like how the blog has developed. Surprisingly I never once felt pressured to post, just because I haven’t posted in the last couple of days. Some days I posted more than once, and some pieces definitely defied Master’s love of précis !

But I’m still not sure I’ll carry on with it.

Real life is what matters. The people who know me in real life. But there’s still a big part of me that worries about what I post, because of ‘what people might think’. Not about the words that I write, but the reasons that I write them. I posted two days running about things that elle’s website had made me think about…does that mean I have no original thoughts? I was going to post a picture that a friend had given me, that I loved…does that mean I’m incapable of finding my own material? Others might not think this, and to be honest I don’t think any of my friends that visit here would think it – but I worry that they will.

I think I anticipate problems too much. Yesterday I pulled out of something that I really wanted to do, because I followed my own chain of thought – if I do this – this will happen, that will happen, someone will get hurt, I’ll be upset because of that, so better not to do it at all than set myself and the other person up for all that anguish. The terrible upset I imagined might not have happened – it probably wouldn’t have done – but there was still the chance that it might. So better to avoid the situation arising. It’s my self preservation instincts kicking in – like my ‘shutting down’ system that my friends know well. I shut myself down emotionally to avoid getting hurt. Smiles – I’m gradually getting weaned off this habit thanks to some very patient and er…. (dare I whisper the word bossy..?) people, but I still do it on occasion.

My blog is a representation of me – it gives people a picture of how I’m thinking, of how my mind works (in very very strange ways sometimes! *smiles at elle about my ‘other’ posting this morning). The blog isn’t the most important thing to me – my real time relationship with Master is my priority as He’ll be very glad to hear *smiles.

So – for the next two weeks, I’ll carry on blogging on see what happens, how I feel.

But if I AM going to carry on blogging (oh my god it sounds like a film with Barbara Windsor and Sid James!!) I’ll need to give myself a good kick up the backside to stop worrying so much !!!


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Memories....

Yet again, something on elle’s blog has got me thinking (and yes, I do normally have a mind of my own !!).

We’ve commented on memories of her wearing a corset for Master, and the look on His face when He saw it was wonderful – definitely one for the memory banks.

It’s over a year now since I’ve been with Master, and in that time some amazing memories have built up.

In Somerset last year on holiday with Him, elle and Ambrosia – elle chasing Him around the kitchen with a wooden spoon, Him going outside for a walk and having a discussion with the cottage owner’s wife and not realising He had a great big red kiss mark on His cheek (now WHO would have done that ???), Ambrosia realising that she could get different musical notes from different sized body parts (oooohhhh…don’t ask ! we’ve still got the video of that !!), the look on His face when we decorated the dining room and served our family Christmas dinner, and just seeing Him so relaxed and happy – priceless memories.

On our holiday in Holland – so many memories. His face when He saw His girls all dressed up for Him, the joking when we went to a posh hotel for a coffee to wait for the Berghut to open….the other customers in their finery, us (under our coats) in rather revealing clothes!! The t-shirt He wore to take us to our first play party with the legend…. ‘The floggings will continue until morale improves!!’. And one of the best memories – seeing Him do a shibari demonstration. Watching Him explaining, showing, answering questions – I was SO proud of that Man. It was one of those heart bursting, great big smile moments. So proud of Him, so proud to be His.

And our last time together in Wales – more for the memory banks, not least of which a certain gentleman wearing nothing except a towel and a fluffy halo !! Also high on my list for that weekend are two conversations with Him – one a very private one, just Master and me. The other between Master and His two girls, His arms tight around us both, hearing how proud He is of both of us. The rest of those conversations is very private, and very personal to Him and us. Conversations that are often replayed in my head, and never forgotten.

Don’t get me wrong. Master loves His play – He's sadistic and He can play extremely hard. I seem to remember in Wales having a spreader bar, chains, cuffs, collar, webbing strap, tawse, flogger, spanking, face slapping, cane etc etc…….oh the man plays hard. Grins….He also used His patented ‘automatic tensioning device’ on the chain from the spreader bar to my collar to control me…..His foot! ‘Master ….I can’t breathe!’…….. ‘Good’. One way to do breath play !

I have many memories of private meetings….a lot of our play together, so I won’t share them here *smiles. But the fact that so many of our good times together haven’t featured play, to me, is indicative of the way our relationships work. We’re not just Master and submissives – we’re friends. The fact that one of our happiest times together featured Him wrestling me around a living room, falling onto a couch together and Him trying to tickle my feet, and me hitting His bum as hard as I could (as hard as I could considering I was laughing until tears streamed down my face) just to try to get Him off me – shows that our relationship is more than just BDSM play.

And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

All my love Master
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Sisters....

Having read elle’s blog today and after our talk last night, it’s lovely to see that she thinks of kd as her sister. Elle has never used the word lightly – and certainly never just as a term of endearment in the way she calls us sweetie or darling, or babes.

People in the chat room we go to often call me sis – to them its just a word, a greeting, an acceptance. I accept that in the way it’s intended, I just don’t use the term myself *smiles.

I once felt uncomfortable with someone calling me sis. It was someone that who, although a lovely person, I didn’t know well enough to feel that calling each other sis was appropriate. It felt as though it undermined what I have with elle (my mind works in mysterious ways).

Most are aware of the change in our ‘family’ circumstances – Master is treating elle and I as individual subs as the moment to enable us both to feel free to submit to Him in our own way without worrying about fitting in with each other. That doesn’t stop her being my sister, not just technically because we’re both Master’s girls, but emotionally. I love her to pieces, and we’ve been through a lot together in a relatively short space of time. We know each others lives so well, we ‘share’ my daughters *grins*, she’s one of the greatest gifts that Master gave me. Should Master take any more girls, they will be sisters too - our submission to Him being the bond.

Lessa is very close to me too – she’s the only girl not belonging to Master that I call sister. Although we have different Masters, she feels like a sister to me. We have a connection which gives us so much fun – we can be in tears of laughter at each end of an IM, or supporting each other through problems. If I am in conversation with both her and Dragon M Sir, His common line is … ‘just a minute, let me pick lessa up – she’s fallen off her chair again, laughing’ *grins. Apparently He loves listening to her when I’m in her IM….she mutters ‘oh this girl is crazy !!! oh what is she doing now???’. She’s very much my sister, despite having a different Master. It's something very special, very personal - you don't decide who you 'click' with, it just happens.

So kd….big hugs to you. You’ve certainly become very special to my lovely sister. And she is very very selective !!!!!

Huggs and kisses to all the lovely ladies (and a special kiss for Master too)
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Shopping habits.....

Grins at elle.....and winks. Got my shopping sorted out.

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Accepting myself

I was talking to a good friend yesterday about my kids, about how when I’m with them, I can be ‘me’ – no trying to fit in with others, no worrying that I don’t act in a certain way – I’m just me. I do the things with them that I don’t normally do with others – sing, dance, run around, wrestle, all with no fear of them judging me.

Master, elle, Dragon M Sir and lessa have all seen that ‘fun’ side of me. I have clear recollections of chasing elle around a couch in Holland and the not so well aimed cushion I threw at her just missing Dragon M Sir !! In fairness I think that they’ve all seen most sides of me….the fun, the laughter, the insecurity, the submission, the anger.

They all know how I deal with things – if I’m angry then more often than not I have to go quiet, and not say anything because if I did speak, my temper would make a situation far worse. I even worry about that – I went very, very quiet once over a big upset because that’s how I best handled the situation, to shoot my mouth off and let the anger fly would have only added fuel to the flames. My concern afterwards was does Master think I wasn’t angry, or upset? Does He think that the circumstances hadn’t affected me? I would hate Him to think I was unfeeling about what had happened, just because I reacted in a different way to others. But my silence was my way of helping, by not exacerbating the situation – that was my submission to Him.

I worry so much about people judging me. So many people only know a part of me, very few know the whole. And even with those people to whom I am very close – if a part of me seems to make them uncomfortable, I will shut down that part of me to them so as to stop their unease – but also to stop myself feeling judged. And that isn’t letting them see the whole me, its only showing the part I think they want to see. But having a part of me that I don’t let them see, or don’t share with them, is painful for me because it creates a barrier. It’s like having an unfinished argument – you both avoid mentioning it because neither wants to bring the subject up again in case it creates more bad feeling. And that makes the rest of the relationship feel a bit false, as if you’re treading on eggshells.

I need to learn that I can be myself with others, as I am with my kids. Master and elle have seen me in virtually every scenario possible, the good, the bad and the ugly and they’re still there – I haven’t frightened them off.

When you befriend someone, you don’t just choose a part, you take the whole person – the manager, the mum, the sub, the blogger…….the person in their entirety. I have to stop thinking that people will only want the bits of me that they agree with, or perceive to be perfect (not much of me qualifies under that category !! *grins). Real friends will want the whole of me, good or bad. If they don’t….they’re not real friends. My closest friends now are those that have seen every part of me (literally every part of me in some cases !! blushes) and still accept me for who I am. They don’t judge.

Maybe it’s time I stopped judging myself.

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Welcome home....

I believe that it's today that elle comes home (but not entirely sure!!). So just to welcome her home, here's the traditional cup of tea that most Brits seem to like to have when they get back to their own home !!

Welcome home sweetheart, missed you, but glad that you had a fantastic time.

And I bet you missed that wonderful bed !!!

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No Knickerbocker Glory.....

.........but, seeing as summer appears to have actually arrived in Staffordshire, last night I made Rum and Raisin ice cream, - best rum, plump raisins, fresh cream and custard- so I have that to look to tonight !!

ooohhhh..my 'new thing' this week - a new recipe, grilled wild salmon with a red wine sauce, served with baby jacket potatoes with sea salt. This from a girl who never cooks fish unless it's in batter !! *grins.

Although really, I've done two new things this week. Today, one of female sports teachers with whom I have an ongoing jokey friendship kept teasing me, calling me 'Mum' (don't ask !!!) so I gave her 'the look' that Mike does so well - she ran off down the corridor and I followed her ! (me + running = WHOLE new thing !)

We had fifty or sixty kids watching us chasing for 100 metres, cheering us on, until we got to the Head of Sport at the end of the corridor where she kept hiding behind him, sticking her tongue out at me. The kids loved it, the staff loved it, and it broke up a pretty tough day.

But I have to say, the funniest bit was the look on the staff's faces when we were walking back to the staff room, laughing, as they said.....

'WOW Clare........you can MOVE !!!!!!!!"

Always knew I was a fast woman *winks

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Come on you ....er......oranges !!!

We've just held the inevitable draw for the world cup at work...guess which country I got ?? *grins

Everyone knows that oranje is sooooo not my colour !!!!!
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They call me Miss !!

As most of my friends know, I took a bus load of children from the school where I work to a theme park last week (should have taken the advice I was given and borrowed a crop !!)_ This morning I spoke to some of the students that went on the trip about other trips that we’re planning for the long summer holidays. They asked who the female member of staff on each trip would be, and I nominated the lovely lady PE teacher (I thought she would be a popular choice). The majority of the kids actually groaned and begged me to go instead.

The kids told me that I’m a ‘fun’ miss – despite not going on rides at the theme park. I talk to them as equals, but when I reprimand them, I’m not nasty about it. The main complaint that children at our school have is the way that staff talk to them, like second class citizens. Communication here leaves a lot to be desired. On the corridors at school, when I’m on duty I talk to the kids. If they say hello I answer and we actually have a conversation. And for a lot of these kids, that’s what they want. To be seen as normal people, capable of having a discussion. Don’t get me wrong, lots of the kids here are awful, I dread seeing them, but that’s a result of their background, not a choice on their part. So except for these children that none of the staff can control (not just me), students here see me as fun, ‘decent’; they respond if I reprimand and they know they can talk with me. When they leave at 3pm, they shout bye to me and wave (if I’m out of the underground office I’m hidden away in !! *grins).

This led me to drawing parallels with D/s. The teachers at this school on the whole act as they believe teachers should – strict disciplinarians, no communication beyond barked orders, as little contact as possible, showing no personality at all. I have seen so many Doms like that online. They act in a ‘Domly’ fashion. Insist on being addressed as ‘Sir’ or ‘Master’ (yes, that goes down really well with me – have I mentioned that I have a bit of a strong attitude towards that kind of thing?)), trying to get any submissive within yelling distance to submit to them just because they’re Dom. Both the teachers and these so called Doms demand respect for no other reason than ‘because of what they are’. Both need to learn that respect is earned. It’s taken me seven months to earn respect at this school, but I really have earned it, not just assumed it.

If a teacher treats a child as if they’re stupid, incapable of making decisions, useless and worthless, the child will more often than not live up to that ‘pre-determined’ role. If a Dom treats a sub in the same way, the sub will react similarly. They will believe that if the Dom/teacher thinks that’s all they’re capable of – they must be right.

The good Masters that I know – including my own beloved obviously *grins – encourage their girls to grow, to learn, to try new things. They encourage an enquiring mind, and actively seek opportunities to give their girls the chance to develop. More often than not, rather than tell a girl how to react to a situation, they ask ‘well, what would happen if you did this?’. They mentor as much as train, two entirely different methods as I see them.

Why would any Dom want a submissive that wasn't strong, independant and capable of thinking for herself?

So here I am – in a school, being called ‘Miss’ for 8 hours a day. Grins…. But I absolutely refuse to call the male teachers Sir !!!

For lessa....

....someone to give you hugs from me, until I see you in August. And - he's hiding a bottle of Dragon M Sir's favourite medicine too.

Knufffels en kussssssss for the lovely lady, get better soon Dragon M Sir.

Ticket to ride.....

Ok...my suitcases are going to be overworked this summer !!!

My daughters and I are going to stay with lessa for a week in their school summer holidays, and I don't know who is more excited - me or the kids!!

She and Dragon M Sir have planned to take us to the Efteling theme park, a tour of Amsterdam and hopefully a trip to see lessa'a home town. It will be a wonderful break for the girls and I, and it will be good to be able to catch up with our lovely Dutch friends again.

The only reservation I have is......SOMEONE seems to think I'll go on the rides at Efteling ! *grins and orders a t-shirt with 'RED RED RED' printed on the front !

I'l make sure that of the three suitcases that the girls and I will take over, at least one will be stocked with Baileys truffles, Irish Cream After Eights and Thorntons fudge - grins - perfect guests for our hostess (and her mum!).

Then in September, there is my planned trip to spend a few days with lessa and Dragon M Sir in France. This will be a very different kind of trip than the one I'm planning with my girls, but will be just as enjoyable, and I'm grateful that Master has given His permission for me to go. I know there will be discussions between Master and Dragon M Sir before I go - I'll just sit quietly in the background and let them get on with it !! *grins

So here's to a summer of travel, and to having two fantastic jet setting daughters !!

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A small voice will always be heard by the discerning ear.

Good Morning to you Clare, and finally here I am fighting through the technology to post on your Blog.
......and what an interesting Blog it is so far, now I have found time to study it.

I wish you well with it, and hope you will attract suitable comment from a wide source of people. I recognise that you do not consider 'eloquence' to be one of your main attributes...but you seem to be doing just fine so far..Keep up the good work!!

Hugs and that inevevitable 'stuff'!...grins

Which is worse.....

To have no voice? Or to have a voice but not be heard

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A Very Special Year.....

On 3rd June last year ……I was a nervous wreck. I was meeting MasterPalmist for the first time, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had so many butterflies in my stomach!

It was bad enough waiting until the time we’d agreed upon, but then got a text from Him to say that traffic was bad, and to put the meeting back by an hour!! I spent the day getting ready, the perfect hair, the perfect make up, dressing as I’d been requested to. Finally the time came to drive to our meeting place.

Once I got there, I sat in the car, a massive bundle of nerves. Things had happened relatively quickly, but I knew that this man was someone special – we had a wonderful connection, but natural worry set in. Will He like me, will He think I’m too big, will He think I’m wrong in some other insignificant way?

Just after re-doing my make up for the tenth (or was it eleventh??) time, a car pulled up at the side of me. I looked to the driver and saw it was Him. He just smiled and raised an eyebrow at me and that was it! The nerves mostly vanished.

We sat in the pub, chatting, enjoying a drink and I knew I’d made the right choice. And I still don’t regret my decision. Master has given me many happy times over the past twelve months, and taught me many things. The trust I have in Him allowed me to drop limits, and try things I said I’d never do. We’ve had holidays in Somerset and in Holland and both have left me with many wonderful memories. And as most people know…my chest is now ‘trademarked’ MP by His scalpel!! He gave me my first nettles, public play, girl play, allowed my first electro play and many others – including my big phobia, needle play. From being terrified at the thought of needles He took me to full labia lacing – because I trust Him. He’s also allowed me the room to discover a lot of things for myself. There have been difficult times too, but that’s what makes a relationship real. Through Him, I’ve met some lovely people, not least of all my lovely sister elle.

I love Master very much, and I’m proud that He’s chosen me as one of His girls. Thank You for an amazing year.

All my love Master

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Who needs white bits??

Grins. Had a lovely conversation with elle yesterday about suncream, and how I pretty much avoid the sun. As my darling sister pointed out - when you spend so much time naked....white bits don't look so good !!

hugggssss for elle
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If at first you don't succeed....

I have spent many, many years (at the grand old age of 35!!) not trying new things.

In work, community, parental and social fields I'm confident, relatively succesful - a strong woman. At parties I never have a problem being on my own, I can introduce myself to someone, mingle and join in discussions with ease. My daughter's headmaster tries to walk the other way when he sees me approaching at school, because I'm one of the few people who will actually tell him about problems and suggest solutions. In those areas of my life .....I have no problems.

So why - personally - am I afraid to try new things?

I know a lot of it stems from parental approval/disapproval. I was not encouraged as a child - if I got 95% in an exam, I was admonished for not getting 100%. So a big part of me thinks that it's not worth doing something if I'm not damn good at it. I'm worried about being judged, and being found lacking. Again this goes back to my need to present myself as being perfect. And as all my friends know, I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. But I still endeavour to give that impression.

I love singing - adore it. When I'm on my own in house I sing to my cds full blast, because it makes me happy. But no-one with half an ear could say that I'm good at it - hence I only sing when I'm on my own. I love salsa dancing, on holiday once I did a full salsa dance on stage with the dance instructor !! I got applauded, I absolutely loved it. My husband's reaction when I got back to him? 'Do you realise how stupid you looked - dancing like that at your size'. So guess who never danced salsa again??

In the car recently with a good friend, I was explaining why, although I loved the song that was playing, I wasn't singing. I found myself 'encouraged' (mutters about Doms and their ways with words!! *grins) to sing along. In the end all three of us were singing along to - of all songs - Sisters are doing it for themselves !! And I loved it. I wasn't hitting the right notes, I wasn't in tune.....but I loved it. (makes a note to myself to send DragonM Sir a copy of the Black Eyed Peas song Shut Up *weg*)

When I got back to work the week after, in a classroom with several colleagues one of my favourite songs came on the radio. And guess what ? I danced a bit of salsa to it, and I sang !! One of my colleages sighed and said "I wish MY wife was that much fun !!" That made me think. I was seen as being fun because I'd tried, not because I'd danced as well as Ricky Martin (he has a far better hip movement than I *grins).

I've spent too long living in a little box, looking at new activities and saying ' that's not the sort of thing I do','I'm no good at things like that', 'I'm too old/big/clumsy to try that'. I label myself. I do to myself what I get angry with other people for doing. And I think I deserve better.

So ...from now on...I'm going to try to do one new thing a week. It may only be small, a new recipe or a different style of top than I usually wear. Or it may be bigger, such as doing a piece of writing, which would be a big challenge for me.

BUT ......I draw the line at bunjee jumping !!!