Breakthrough

My friends know how I've been working on getting pub experience with a view to having my own pub in the next 12 - 18 months. Finally...a breakthrough ! *smiles

I'm proud to announce......*grins....hubby and I are both doing our personal licence training at the end of March, and I'm now booked in for interviews with the major pub companies - as a pub manager.

I'll do my training on site in a training pub, and get paid whilst doing so, then will be able to move into my own pub - a timescale of about 6 months has been suggested.

If you know me - the you'll know how much I want this. It's something I've wanted for a very long time and will solve lots of problems too, including the chance to get my daughters into new schools.

My husband will keep his current job, and I'll run the pub. It will be a hard slog, its not an easy job and I'm aware of how hard I'll have to work.

It finally feels like I'm getting somewhere...I'm absolutely over the moon.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Domestication

Just lately, I've been on my knees for my husband (tying his shoelaces, washing his feet), serving him meals, fetching, carrying, generally doing anything I can to make his life easier. And he loves it ! *grins

But he'd give all of it up in an instant just to be able to do things for himself. He's really independant, so to have to rely on someone else to do day to day things really grates on him at times. Little things like not being able to take a plate out after he's eaten.

One thing he's really enjoyed though, is the proliferation of baked goods around at the moment. I love baking, and because of how many visitors we're receiving right now, I normally have at least two different kinds of cakes available. Apple crumble sponge, double chocolate muffins, walnut brownies, lemon sponge cake, date and walnut loaf......the man is in heaven !! And so am I....being able to lose myself in my baking, music on full blast (Blame it on the Boogie and Van der Valk are still hot favourites!) and dance away in my kitchen is great. Ohhhh I'm so domesticated ! *grins

I've decided to carry on my blog even though the D/s aspect will from now be pretty much drastically reduced ! I've used my blog in the past as a way to let my friends know how I'm going on, and to let off steam if things annoy me. Even though I'm young, free and single (ok, BDSM wise anyway !) I'm still part of the BDSM world, and still have my opinions about many, many things.

I spoke to someone at the weekend, a friend with whom I've been through a hell of a lot. In the past we've been ready to kill each other, love each other, hang each other off a cliff, and we've laughed and cried together. She tried to slam it into my head that although friendships change, it doesn't necessarily make them 'worse'. Just different. After all we've been through, misunderstandings, my screw ups, the lot, she's still the one I feel the 'need' for when I'm in over my head. The one I can trust to tell me the truth I need, whether I want it or not. And she's the one who makes me question myself when I decide to withdraw from my real life friends mainly because of what online people may think or post about me. Who matters more - the people who know me, or the people who'd like to think they do?

I want to get back to that with lessa. Being able to tell each other anything without hiding, and being able to slap each other upside the head when we're being stupid. M:e and I often talk about our joint time with MP, and about what they're doing now. He's a good friend, and we never avoid talking about him, because there's no need. And I tease the crap out of him in the chatroom we go to ! *weg. And he's just as bad, often bringing up the subject of a certain nosy hotel manager in Sidmouth *groans

Lessa and I will get back to that stage. At the moment it feels awkward, but at some point we'll be making fun of him and worrying about him working too much. We lost a lot of our 'sister' relationship lately, and now I've decided not to hide away I'm going to put the time in to try to get that back. Lessa means the absolute world to me.

Anyone who doesn't know me real time, and is thinking of posting detrimental comments about any of us without knowing each and every side of our relationship - don't bother. People who have never met me , and who judge me, can quite frankly go to hell. Even M:e, who knows me better than anyone, doesn't know everything that happened with lessa, DragonM and myself so other people don't stand a cat's chance in hell.

I'm here, my blog's here, and we're staying.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a batch of lemon drizzle cake needing my attention *winks

kussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

I don't think there's any doubt in anyone's mind that I love lessa and Dragon M . If there is.....you need hitting over the head with a baseball bat. Really.

I'm doing this publically because I think everyone needs to know where they stand, that's been one of the major issues lately. I feel that everyone knows what's going on except me, I'm tired of deciphering blog postings to try and find out how people are, if they're ok. And lessa is in the totally uneviable position of trying to do the right thing and feeling awful no matter what she does. As of today, I'm no longer DragonM's fox. I'm just fox. I'm proud of the person I'm becoming, and will keep that name. But the cost of anything beyond that is just too high. I'm not prepared to lose good friendships, which is what we're in danger of doing.

DragonM is hopefully still one of my friends, and I hope I've stopped the damage in time to avoid losing lessa as a friend too. I am submissive, and that is something I'll need in my life. But with the right man. No matter how much of a right man DragonM is/was, it was the wrong circumstances. And I'll find someone else. In time.

We've all talked, and hopefully everything will be ok.

We'll see.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Another gem....

Luckily, I am finding humour in the strangest places lately !

After washing my husband's hair this morning, bathing him, dressing him and getting him ready, he settled himself down sooooo, so carefully on his speacially made chair. When I asked if he was ok, he grunted and said, 'you have NO idea how painful it is to sit down when your bum is this bruised !'

*laughs hysterically and runs around the house screaming !

I'd like to think (glaring in his direction) that its the eight inch cut on his backside that is causing quite a bit of the 'discomfort', not the teeny weeny amount of bruising.

I ought to offer to get someone to whip his ass for him, and compare THOSE bruises ! lol.

He's tired, still can't really sleep, but feeling better each day.

kussssssssssssssssssssss

How the HELL????

How the hell can a man who had a hip replacement on Wednesday be desperate for sex already???

MEN !!!!!

Ice and Fire

This beautiful picture from Artnam is called 'Ice and Fire' - its a celebration of how two extremes can co-exist.

That feels very much like me at the moment. I'm happily looking after my husband, nursing him, taking care of the kids. At the same time I often think of my submission, play with Sir, and time with Sir just chatting. I obviously look forward to being with him again, but there's no resentment about having to take care of my 'vanilla' issues.

All of us are more than just a label...I'm not 'just a subbie' or 'just a wife' to the exclusion of all else. I'm both of those things, and more.

Ice and fire - in one package.

And each one makes the other even more beautiful.

kussssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Me?? SADISTIC????

My husband came home from hospital today, and is so happy to be back home.

One of the things he has to do as part of his recovery, is to inject himself each day with anti coagulents to help prevent DVT. He's had problems injecting himself though, so the lovely nurse at the hospital asked if anyone at home would be able to do it for him.

'Oh yes,' he replied. 'My wife will be able to do that for me. It will fulfil her sadistic streak!'.

Me?? SADISTIC??

He thinks I can't take pain - he thinks I'm sadistic - I must be damn good at hiding my submissive painslut side !! *weg.

And if he thinks that I'm sadistic.....I could introduce him to a few people who could really surprise him ! Lol.

On the serious side - he's home, he's healing, he's happy. Who could ask for more.

kussssssssssssssssss

Cyber

I went into my usual chatroom tonight just for a few minutes, to try and 'switch off', and I walked into a room of people being derogatory about cyber/online relationships. Pure cyber will never be for me, but the nature of my relationship with Sir , and the fact that we live in different countries means that a fair amount of our time is spent online, or the phone, or texting. That time with him is very valuable.

One of the comments I heard was - 'cyber is telling someone what to do online so that they can pretend to do it'. We keep saying that one of the beautiful aspects of BDSM is its diversity - everyone conducts their relationship in the way that suits them best. I didn't see much of that 'open mindedness' tonight.

If Sir tells me to do something - he knows that I'll do it, and if I don't, I'll tell him, whether its going to bed early or writing a business report. That's because of something basic and vital in any BDSM relationship.

Trust.

Trust applies whether you're 24/7 TPE, living together or pure cyber. I see Sir every few months in real, and I obey him the same at a distance as I do face to face.

After a long day, I really wasn't in the mood for this discussion in room, so I just left.

So many people are open minded.

When it suits them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy Valentines Day.....

.....to my daughters' big cuddly teddy bear

*grins

kusssssssss for my Sir

Just a quickie....

We decided not to bother about valentines day, because of the operation etc.

But my hubby left me an envelope not to be opened 'unless he grows wings'.....grins.....he's an organised soul.

Inside he says he's got all his life assurance policies, his will, and a letter for me just in case the worst should happen when he's in hospital. I know...it's 'only' a hip replacement.

But making sure that everything I'd need is somewhere safe just in case the worst happens, when I'll least be able to deal with things.....one hell of a way to say 'I love you'.

I love you too baby.

You soft sod. Kisssssssssssssss
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tired....

My husband was admitted to hospital today, and is having his hip replacement tomorrow at about midday.

We chose a hospital which admittedly isn't the closest to us, but its reputation for cleanliness and actual surgical procedures is wonderful, so for us to travel a fair way to visit him is worth it.

Because of road works, it took 90 minutes to get there this morning, but it took me two and a half hours to drive back.....I was silly enough not to eat this morning because of nerves, so I got home tired, aching and starving !

So.....to visit him for one hour I'll be driving for four hours - but it's worth every minute for the care he'll get there. My only concern it that the staff are now saying that he's booked to go home on Saturday, whereas the consultant who is doing the operation told him Monday at the earliest. I really don't want him sent home before he's ready just to free up a bed. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My blog isn't always BDSM - it's my life, and my family is a big part of that.

I think Sir would now tell me to go and eat, cuddle the girls and go to bed and have a good nights sleep, so I think I'll go and do that soon.

He has some good ideas sometimes *smiles.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Birthday Candles....

A belated happy birthday to kaya's Master. He celebrated this weekend with a 'birthday buttcake' *grins http://kaya-s.livejournal.com/

I've considered whether to post this or not, but I think I'll be safe - I won't be able to see Sir around His birthday, so it's ok if He gets ideas after seeing this.

You HAVE to admire kaya !!!

*grins

Natural beauty....

Next week my darling sister will be enjoying a sauna, spa, and various other watery fun, with Sir, M:e and guests *grins. After the stressful few weeks they've all had, I can't think of a better place for them to go.

knuffels and kusssssssssssssssssss

Communication....

My husband went to the pub last night on his usual Friday night out with the lads, for the last time before his operation. Me being me, I didn't go to bed until I'd seen him walking down the street on his way back home. And then slipping into bed and 'playing dead' because it wouldn't do for him to know I was concerned enough about him to stand at my bedroom window needing to know that he was safe before I could go to sleep, now would it? *smiles

Sometimes, it really hits me how bad his walking is because of his hip. Last night was one of those times. I really can't describe actually here how he walks.....maybe saying that his limp can be so bad that it looks like one leg is 6 inches shorter than the other. The consultant last week told him that his hip is basically shattered - that he must have an incredible pain threshold to be able to actually walk. His reply? 'Thank god it's not my wife - she can't take pain at all.'

*speechless!*


We've had big problems in the past, nearly ending in divorce, but we won through. We found ways to communicate with each other, taking into account how different we are in this. Communication is also a major issue in my BDSM relationship, but Sir and I have overcome many of my insecurities in being able to talk about things that trouble me. I can now tell him why I react to a certain issue, what I think lies behind it and why it upsets me/frustrates me/why I avoid a certain type of 'play' like the plague. And it still amazes me that I can do this.

We've found what works for us - it doesn't mean that is right for us is right for everyone.

This next couple of months are going to be hard in many ways - my husband healing, in physio, trying to work from home. I won't get the contact I usually get with Sir because I won't be available as much - my husband needs me, and I'll be there. And Sir wouldn't expect anything less from me - to be there for my family. We'll still talk, and text, and IM, and use our established ways of communicating - just not so often. And having my hubby in the house 24/7 for at least six weeks means no 'play' for that long !! *sobs*

But...it doesn't change things with Sir and I. He's still me Sir, I'm still His fox. Less contact doesn't mean less submission. I'm His fox 24/7, regardless of what I'm doing, whether I'm in sweet agony from tacks in my bra or driving my husband to phsyio.

To all of us - lessa, Sir and myself - family is so important. We love the way that Sir is with His family, it's part of what makes Him so special. And the same applies in reverse. He loves how lessa is with her family, with the recent wonderful new addition to the clan. And He loves my relationship with my kids, and knows that I will look after my husband totally while he's recovering.

He wouldn't expect any less from His slave or His fox. It's part of who we are.

And He loves every part *smiles.

kussssssssssss

Play....

OK... a subject that I think all my friends and I have mentioned at some point or other on our blogs and in conversation -

Can we please find another word for play??

Play makes me think of it as something lighthearted, meaningless...something taken lightly. Don't get me wrong, play with Sir often incorporates fun, and laughing, as with most Doms I've heard of/experienced. But to me, play is more about the submission, pleasing him, feeling really close. A beautiful part of a relationship. The word play doesn't really do it for me.

There must be alternatives??

xxxxxxxxx

Snow Day....

Both of my daughters schools are closed today, due to the snow storm that's on its way - we've had quite a bit of snow, but the worst is expected in a couple of hours.

So, they're just getting bundled up in warm clothing, and then we're going in the garden to make snow angels, have snowball fights and generally have winter fun. Their pyjamas are warming on the radiators, and when we've finishing pelting each other with snowbals, we'll dry off, get the nice warm pyjamas on and snuggle up with blankets and watch tv. I'll even wear my 'mouse' pyjamas that my youngest daughter delighted in showing to M:e ! Definitely not 'wearing in front of Sir' clothing *winks. I've made baked potato soup, we have a fresh loaf from the bread machine overnight, and lots of hot chocolate.

Kussssssssssssssssss
That, to me, sounds like a perfect day *smiles.

The Art of Balance....

In every relationship there has to be a balance - his needs, her needs....the fun, the serious....the intense, the soft....

This picture makes me think of a beautifully balanced submissive. Her own woman, but strong enough to submit totally. As confident in herself as she is in him.

So often in chat rooms today, strong women are seen as too much of a challenge - if they don't submit to anybody typing their names in capitals, they're not a 'real' submissive. If you ever show a backbone and an opinion you're seen as a 'switch' because no true submissive would say boo to a goose *grins.

The right Dom allows his girl to feel that she has the strength to be herself, and I've seen many beautiful examples of this, not least of all my sister lessa and the lovely M:e.

Both perfectly balanced ....both strong women....both very, very happy.

The only way to be *smiles

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Beautiful day...

We woke up this morning to a light covering of snow - not enough to be inconvenient, just enough to be beautiful. The lovely bright subshine is reflecting off the snow, and is currently lighting up my office brighter than any lightbulb could. It's a beautiful day. I'm actually feeling pretty calm now, things are underway for my hubby's operation, things are far more on track with DragonM Sir (and I'm thinking of You today, Sir, hoping things are easier) and I can almost feel the excitement emanating from lessa and M:e who are meeting up again in ten days. Apart from one thing that is a little unclear right now - not BDSM related - things are pretty much on an even keel.

It makes a change *grins.

Sir and I are due a good talk, but there's no rush - He's got other things on His mind right now. He knows that I'll be here when He's ready.

The best things are worth waiting for - and lessa and Sir are most definitely two of the best things.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssss

Learning....

Tomorrow my husband goes in for his pre-op check-ups, four hours of being probed, poked and prodded to make sure he's fit enough for his surgery. Then next Wednesday, Valentine's Day, he has the hip replacement that he's been so desperate for. I can't emphasise enough how much pain this bad hip has caused him, and he's only 44.

Today we ran through things that I'll have to do while he's incapacitated. Things that I know a lot of women already do, but always taken care of certain things, I've taken care of others. So he's got to show me how to check oil levels on the cars each week, do the tyres, how to work our electricity boxes in case fuses blow, etc etc. So, as a silver cloud to him being away from us for a week in hospital, I'll have new skills !

We've agreed that I won't go to see him the day of the operation. When he had a cruciate ligament op several years ago, the private hospital allowed me in to see him a few hours after the op, and I wished to god they hadn't. He was in so much pain, hardly coherent and writhing around begging for pain killers. After I left, I drove straight to my mum's, handed my then baby/now 13 year old to my sister, walked into the kitchen to my mum and just burst out crying. It was horrible to see someone I loved in so much pain. So he's has asked me not to visit that first day - he doesn't want to run the risk of me seeing him like that again. For a non-Dom, he's sometimes so bloody bossy !!

On the bright side - today in my never ending task to find something that my younger daughter will eat apart from chocolate spread sandwiches, she's discovered a liking for home made rice pudding !! I watched in glee as she ate a huge bowl of it, thinking, 'yes!! calcium !!' So I think I'll be making a few more batches of that !

I made pancakes afterwards, and left a plate of them for my two girls while I went to sort out laundry. I came back still enjoying the smug feeling of getting disguised milk into my baby, when I saw what she'd done with her pancakes.

'Look Mummy !! I put chocolate spread on them !'

Sighs. Oh well.

My older daughter (thanks to a certain person in Wales who gave her bacon pancakes but who shall remain nameless) loves having savoury pancakes. So what did she put on hers?? Barbeque sauce !.

I might start telling them DragonM Sir loves 5 pieces of fruit, a pint of milk, and 2 low fat chicken breasts every day. They're both so convinced that He's wonderful (and they're right), that might just do the trick!!

Chocolate spread pancake anyone??

kussssssssssssssss

A musical moment

Had a lovely time listening to my CD's while I was cleaning today, then had a laugh attack when I wondered if the song 'Take My Breath Away' by Berlin (from the film Top Gun) was anything to do with breath play !!

I had a great text from Sir today, saying 'huggs and kisses from the cuddly teddly bear', in reference to my previous post *grins. Gotta love that sense of humour!

He'll be just about on His way to a party with lessa now, so I hope they have a wonderful time, and truly hope that lessa gets to feel His cane again.

kusssssssssssssssss for them both.

One of those days....

I'm having one of those days.

You know those days when you feel the need to kneel, or get flogged, or just something physical. I have times when I feel really 'antsy' as I think the Americans say. On edge. And it's not doubting my submission to Sir, or my emotional/mental submission not being enough - it's just more *clears my throat and gets all clever* feeling a need for the physical manifestation of my submission. Good, eh.

Obviously, Sir being in another country brings it's limitations.

I feel my submission to Him all the time. That warm, centred, 'complete' feeling, and I love it. And Him. As He said a while ago, I'm His fox 24/7 not just in play.

The play session we had the other day was wonderful. Long, hot, and fantastic. I have this fascination with His face and voice *grins. Sometimes His face is all 'cheeky Dom', full of fun but undoubtedly in control. Other times it's just 'Sir'....that face you don't argue with but if I see it for too long I get a very wet chair ! *groans. And now I've discovered a new fascination - His forearms !! Watching Him on cam the other day, just sitting there talking to me, His bare arms folded across His chest...I could have watched them for hours !!

It's not often that we get play sessions like that. We both have to be alone in the house for a start and that rarely happens !! lol. They don't need to happen very often, I don't need one a week or a month just to show Him I'm still His. The way I feel today is purely selfish - not to prove anything to Him, or to make Him feel better - just a need, a frustration I'm feeling. It's nothing to do with whether we've played recently or not. Feeling like this could happen after 5 months of no play, or the day after a hard session - it's an itch that needs scratching. And seeing as it ain't gonna get scratched, I'll have to go and do some exercise for a while to burn up some nervous energy or something!! *grins

I love seeing Him in control - and it doesn't have to be BDSM related. Lessa may be getting a hair bondage this weekend, and I love watching that. It's not a pain thing, it's not an obvious thing, but it's definitely a control thing. The control is always there with Him, it's not something He 'puts on' for a session. And you can see that so clearly when He's with lessa. It's a sheer joy to see it.

Grinning - I have marks on my breasts from the play we did on Monday - where the pins pricked it looks like a vampire attacked me !!

Evil, evil, sadistic Man.

Gotta love Him.

Grins and kussssssssssssssssssss

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

10,000

As we speak, my hit counter stands at 9833 - not bad for someone who was unsure whether she could actually write a blog !!

To reach the 10,000 mark will be amazing, and I think I'll celebrate in some way. Any ideas?? And no thank you - no smart ass subbies suggesting 10,000 spanks - not even I could take that many !! Although......I know two subbies who I could nominate to take some of them FOR me !! *grins

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx