Ok, Im out of my hiding hole. Kind of.
Tomorrow I'm on the plane to Holland to see Sir and lessa. Not going to be quite the trip we'd planned, I doubt I'll be needing my corset and high heels etc, but there'll be plenty of talking, and thinking.
Who knows what's going to happen. But at least we'll be together, sorting things out. And I still have my christmas presents to give them.
See you next week, maybe.
xx
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
3 days....
In 3 days I'll be in Holland with Sir and lessa. I'm one hell of a lucky girl, in so many ways.
I have two wonderful sisters, who each look after me and care for me in their very different ways. I hope to be able to give as much back to them one day.
I have many friends, both real time and online, who bring so much pleasure into my life. My horizons have broadened so much this past couple of years, and I know it's made me a better person. I love sharing my life with them, and vice versa. I've met some wonderful people in the lifestyle, all of whom are totally different, all of whom have unique relationships - Dragon M Sir and lessa, MP and M:e, Fian and kd, and others I've met r/t who have made a big impression on me, such as Hans and Angel. It's good for me to see the variety of M/s partnerships - and I really do believe that it's a partnership. It has to be a two way street.
I'm extremely lucky that I have DragonM Sir. He knows that I have many hurdles to jump in my submission, but He doesn't remove the hurdles for me, He makes me strong enough to jump them. I still have many insecurities, which grow less and less with time. I know I'm going to face quite a lot of these fences, but as M:e said the other day, I'm getting to know what my flashpoints will be, and prepare myself for them. I'm getting better at knowing myself.
Sir's patience is amazing. I have a history of pushing myself, to try to prove myself, but with Sir I'm learning that I don't have to. Things will be done in His time, not mine. But He takes care that although we do things in His time, He never lets me feel neglected, never lets me feel that I'm just an additional body He can call on should He choose to do so. Sometimes I make myself feel that I'm an extra burden for Him, but thats of my own making because of my insecurities - not His doing.
He doesn't demand anything from me except honesty - He has never demanded my submission at all, it's freely given. He doesn't give me things to do just to prove my submission, He knows it's there. In my ...shall we say 'worrying' moments.....I sometimes wonder if I give Him what He needs, because I'm in another country, etc. My friends know how much I can worry about the slightest thing. I know that I can't give Him 'more' submission. I can just give Him me.
I know that as time goes on, He will make more demands of me, and I will gladly meet them. But we're going at His pace, as He sees fit *smiles.
I'm giving Him what He wants right now - honesty, an open mind and trust. Other things will slowly come. And I hope that I meet those demands just as happily.
kussssssssssss for my Sir
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I have two wonderful sisters, who each look after me and care for me in their very different ways. I hope to be able to give as much back to them one day.
I have many friends, both real time and online, who bring so much pleasure into my life. My horizons have broadened so much this past couple of years, and I know it's made me a better person. I love sharing my life with them, and vice versa. I've met some wonderful people in the lifestyle, all of whom are totally different, all of whom have unique relationships - Dragon M Sir and lessa, MP and M:e, Fian and kd, and others I've met r/t who have made a big impression on me, such as Hans and Angel. It's good for me to see the variety of M/s partnerships - and I really do believe that it's a partnership. It has to be a two way street.
I'm extremely lucky that I have DragonM Sir. He knows that I have many hurdles to jump in my submission, but He doesn't remove the hurdles for me, He makes me strong enough to jump them. I still have many insecurities, which grow less and less with time. I know I'm going to face quite a lot of these fences, but as M:e said the other day, I'm getting to know what my flashpoints will be, and prepare myself for them. I'm getting better at knowing myself.
Sir's patience is amazing. I have a history of pushing myself, to try to prove myself, but with Sir I'm learning that I don't have to. Things will be done in His time, not mine. But He takes care that although we do things in His time, He never lets me feel neglected, never lets me feel that I'm just an additional body He can call on should He choose to do so. Sometimes I make myself feel that I'm an extra burden for Him, but thats of my own making because of my insecurities - not His doing.
He doesn't demand anything from me except honesty - He has never demanded my submission at all, it's freely given. He doesn't give me things to do just to prove my submission, He knows it's there. In my ...shall we say 'worrying' moments.....I sometimes wonder if I give Him what He needs, because I'm in another country, etc. My friends know how much I can worry about the slightest thing. I know that I can't give Him 'more' submission. I can just give Him me.
I know that as time goes on, He will make more demands of me, and I will gladly meet them. But we're going at His pace, as He sees fit *smiles.
I'm giving Him what He wants right now - honesty, an open mind and trust. Other things will slowly come. And I hope that I meet those demands just as happily.
kussssssssssss for my Sir
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Saturday, November 25, 2006
Ok....a question.....
I lay in my bath a while ago, exfoliating, scrubbing...generally making myself all soft and lovely, when I had this thought....
Should I instead be taking salt baths or something, trying to toughen my skin up for all the hard play Sir has promised me for next week? *grins. Or should I carry on making my skin as soft and touchable as possible, which of course means I'll mark more easily.
Grins....oh decisions, decisions !!
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Should I instead be taking salt baths or something, trying to toughen my skin up for all the hard play Sir has promised me for next week? *grins. Or should I carry on making my skin as soft and touchable as possible, which of course means I'll mark more easily.
Grins....oh decisions, decisions !!
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Good news....
I had some good news this morning, so I thought I'd share it *smiles.
As some of you may know, I'm after a pub. I've just finished my contract at the school so I'm looking to work in a local pub to get at least six months of experience and then look to finding a pub summer next year, aiming to move in probably around early September. This will coincide with the kids hopefully starting new schools in the area, and also to give me time to get used to it before the busy Christmas season. I have my husband's full support on this, and also the support of Sir, lessa and M:e.
Two weeks ago I attended a training session with one of the major breweries, and pulled my first pint in a long time *grins. They have the majority of suitable size/type pubs in the area and they offer one of the best training and support packages.
I just received a phone call from their area manager, telling me that after a regional meeting yesterday, my name has been added to a 'hot potential' list - any training that comes up they will offer to me free of charge, and they'll arrange for me to get experience in different pubs that are on their books. There's a lot of benefits to being listed, as it means I'm permanently 'there' in their minds which will be of enormous help next summer !! Not many people actually get listed, so it's given me quite an ego boost that, as the gentleman said, my people skills were entirely obvious as was my managerial background. They want to make sure I stay in the fold when it comes to choosing a pub/brewery next year.
I know how much hard work a pub is. I used to work in my aunty's pub, doing virtually all the food and serving behind bar when necessary, and I know I only saw a part of what it takes to run a successful pub. But I'm going to try.
I've been after a pub for a couple of years now, but put it off for a while because I needed to concentrate on my marriage - that was my priority. Now the hard work is only starting, to work and train ready for next summer.
So next Christmas, hopefully, touch wood, keeping my fingers crossed etc, I'll be in a pub - working hard and probably not posting on my blog anymore because I won't have the time !! But it will be worth it.
And it's nice to know that the brwery think I'm worth trying to hold onto as a potential landlady *smiles.
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As some of you may know, I'm after a pub. I've just finished my contract at the school so I'm looking to work in a local pub to get at least six months of experience and then look to finding a pub summer next year, aiming to move in probably around early September. This will coincide with the kids hopefully starting new schools in the area, and also to give me time to get used to it before the busy Christmas season. I have my husband's full support on this, and also the support of Sir, lessa and M:e.
Two weeks ago I attended a training session with one of the major breweries, and pulled my first pint in a long time *grins. They have the majority of suitable size/type pubs in the area and they offer one of the best training and support packages.
I just received a phone call from their area manager, telling me that after a regional meeting yesterday, my name has been added to a 'hot potential' list - any training that comes up they will offer to me free of charge, and they'll arrange for me to get experience in different pubs that are on their books. There's a lot of benefits to being listed, as it means I'm permanently 'there' in their minds which will be of enormous help next summer !! Not many people actually get listed, so it's given me quite an ego boost that, as the gentleman said, my people skills were entirely obvious as was my managerial background. They want to make sure I stay in the fold when it comes to choosing a pub/brewery next year.
I know how much hard work a pub is. I used to work in my aunty's pub, doing virtually all the food and serving behind bar when necessary, and I know I only saw a part of what it takes to run a successful pub. But I'm going to try.
I've been after a pub for a couple of years now, but put it off for a while because I needed to concentrate on my marriage - that was my priority. Now the hard work is only starting, to work and train ready for next summer.
So next Christmas, hopefully, touch wood, keeping my fingers crossed etc, I'll be in a pub - working hard and probably not posting on my blog anymore because I won't have the time !! But it will be worth it.
And it's nice to know that the brwery think I'm worth trying to hold onto as a potential landlady *smiles.
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Friday, November 24, 2006
Baby You're the best......
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't lookin', but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The man who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight
And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?
The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?
And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby
Darling, you're the best
Enough said *smiles
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Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't lookin', but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The man who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight
And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?
The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?
And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby
Darling, you're the best
Enough said *smiles
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, November 23, 2006
One week....
A week today Sir picks me up from the airport....He's promised an interesting drive home *grins
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Nightwear....
I found this picture of pyjamas - very similar to some cute 'mouse' ones I have. I took them with me to France (erm, no I don't know why either!) but when I teasingly said I'd go and put them on instead of my sexy red nightdress He almost made me wear them just to call my bluff ! I think it would have killed the mood somehow, especially as that was the night that I did the arabic dance for Him ! lol.
Don't think I'll take them to Holland next week *grins
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Push the limits....
Push the Limits is the name of this lovely artwork from Artnam. (Me? Push limits? Let's not get into THAT discussion !! lol). But I saw the picture, and you know my first thought?
Wonder how that hairstyle would look in brown or red??
I kinda didn't notice her being naked etc etc.....I'm normally quite observant about these things - trust me, I normally notice if a gorgeous woman is butt naked !
But I'm considering going from my current very dark brown to more of an auburn, and I sort of didn't notice she had no clothes on.
You think I'm losing my innocence?
xxxxx
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Catching up....
I spoke to a friend of mine last night who I've known for many years, but due to her moving away and my resignation from the training organistion we with with, we hadn't spoken for about six - eight months.
It was great to catch up again. We've shared a room at many posh hotels when we've attended national balls and international dinners. One night in particular springs to mind, when I was all dolled up in my finery, having finished the formal part of the evening including toasting the Queen. The disco had started and all of a sudden Amarillo came on. I just dissolved into hysterical laughter (him singing Amarillo was one of the few things that made me call 'RED!' with MP !!). I had visions of him standing with his flogger, marching to Amarillo and talking to all the assembled dignitaries, including international presidents and local MPs and the mayor ! J just looked at me as if I was nuts, and I explained (kind of !!) about the in joke with MP and M:e. It was a fantastic evening. I actually miss those dinners now - never thought I would. I even miss the ball gowns !! *grins
J asked me what I'd been up to since we last met, anything interesting? 'Oh yes !!!' I replied, 'I've been on one of Europe's largest indoor/undergound rollercoasters, been on a speedboat, held a tarantula, had a week in Holland, a few days in the South of France, learnt Arabic dancing, performed a dance for someone, I fly off for weekends abroad.....had an interesting few months'.
I heard her jaw drop. 'You? You hate rollercoasters'.
'Yep.'
'You were terrified of spiders.'
'Yep.'
'You were frightened stiff of flying.....now you fly on your own???'
'Yep,'
'Bloody hell woman.....what are you on? HRT??'
Grins.....I could hardly tell her that nope, wrong initials, it's actually BDSM,. now could I ?
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It was great to catch up again. We've shared a room at many posh hotels when we've attended national balls and international dinners. One night in particular springs to mind, when I was all dolled up in my finery, having finished the formal part of the evening including toasting the Queen. The disco had started and all of a sudden Amarillo came on. I just dissolved into hysterical laughter (him singing Amarillo was one of the few things that made me call 'RED!' with MP !!). I had visions of him standing with his flogger, marching to Amarillo and talking to all the assembled dignitaries, including international presidents and local MPs and the mayor ! J just looked at me as if I was nuts, and I explained (kind of !!) about the in joke with MP and M:e. It was a fantastic evening. I actually miss those dinners now - never thought I would. I even miss the ball gowns !! *grins
J asked me what I'd been up to since we last met, anything interesting? 'Oh yes !!!' I replied, 'I've been on one of Europe's largest indoor/undergound rollercoasters, been on a speedboat, held a tarantula, had a week in Holland, a few days in the South of France, learnt Arabic dancing, performed a dance for someone, I fly off for weekends abroad.....had an interesting few months'.
I heard her jaw drop. 'You? You hate rollercoasters'.
'Yep.'
'You were terrified of spiders.'
'Yep.'
'You were frightened stiff of flying.....now you fly on your own???'
'Yep,'
'Bloody hell woman.....what are you on? HRT??'
Grins.....I could hardly tell her that nope, wrong initials, it's actually BDSM,. now could I ?
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Monday, November 20, 2006
Back to school....
My older daughter had her parents' day today, and as usual the teacher was over the moon with her performance, they think she's wonderful (she is), they think she's so mature (she is), they think she's lucky to have such supportive parents (*blushes* well I couldn't possibly comment!).
I had issues I had to raise this time however. In various classes the teachers are unable to control the more trouble making element, which leaves the rest of the class unable to learn. It took the english teacher seven lessons just to watch a thirty five minute video of the Tempest. My daughter also came home last week covered in weals and bruises all over her legs where one particularly obnoxious girl had whipped her legs with an elastic band (about 4 foot long, tied around a pupil used to denote different teams in sport). The teacher had already left the class in tears so no-one was controlling the students. She was so upset. I hugged her, talked to her and got the arnica cream.....(trust me sweetheart, this DOES work on bruises).
In my meeting today, I was friendly, took their opinions and points of view into account, but remained firm on wanting to see action and requesting regular feedback in one week, two weeks and then a month to enable me to monitor the situation. Totally professional, still leaving with a smile and a handshake. I never raised my voice or lost my temper.
So why can't I do that in my D/s?
I'm getting so much better at talking to Dragon M Sir, being able to voice concerns or questions. But sometimes I work myself up so much about something that the only way I can approach is to blurt it out, before I lose courage. Each time this happens I explode, then His calm rational approach takes the wind out of my sails, and the anger or frustration dies a death. And each time, after the fireworks, I feel stronger with Him and my submission goes that little bit deeper. I just really, really wish I (and of course Sir) didn't have to experience the whole fireworks too.
I nearly closed my blog yesterday, for various reasons. Pure frustration at so many things led me to the 'delete blog' page. But the lovely things on there over the last few months stopped me doing it.
I know my long term D/s future is with DragonM Sir - I'm not doubting that. Whether its as His fox, His sub, or His slave....as He's been asked....who knows? I'll always be His fox. What we have has to be right between all of us, and none of us are ready to move it forward yet....certainly not me. Nobody elses opinion on whether I'm right for poly matters. We're not poly.......we're us. The three of us.
When I'm in Holland next week, I'll be kneeling for Him at the party on Saturday night. I'll be so proud to do so, but you know what? I wouldn't kneel differently, or play differently, or submit differently to Him if I was collared, tattoed, branded, or had a slave registry number permanently engraved on my arse. I'm still me, I'm still His. I still give Him as much as I can.
I still have one hang up, (no not suspension)that means I find it really hard to let go that final bit in hard play, because I'm afraid of saying something I shouldn't. Lol, even so, He still mangaged to get me to let go enough to get into sub space in France !! He and lessa both know about it, and sort of understand. He still has my no-limits, which I think we all established before in various blog chats actually means I abide by HIS limits. And He applies this no-limits to all aspects of our relationship, not just the play. That surprised me.
He's made me strong enough to admit my weaknesses on here - that took an amazing amount of courage at first. But He's also making me strong enough to acknowledge my strengths. And that's actually harder.
An excerpt from my daughter's report today - it's time that M started having the confidence to believe in herself, to believe that she is more than capable of achieving regardless of what her peers say.
Sound familiar?
I think I need to write lines.....*grins
kussss en knuffels
I had issues I had to raise this time however. In various classes the teachers are unable to control the more trouble making element, which leaves the rest of the class unable to learn. It took the english teacher seven lessons just to watch a thirty five minute video of the Tempest. My daughter also came home last week covered in weals and bruises all over her legs where one particularly obnoxious girl had whipped her legs with an elastic band (about 4 foot long, tied around a pupil used to denote different teams in sport). The teacher had already left the class in tears so no-one was controlling the students. She was so upset. I hugged her, talked to her and got the arnica cream.....(trust me sweetheart, this DOES work on bruises).
In my meeting today, I was friendly, took their opinions and points of view into account, but remained firm on wanting to see action and requesting regular feedback in one week, two weeks and then a month to enable me to monitor the situation. Totally professional, still leaving with a smile and a handshake. I never raised my voice or lost my temper.
So why can't I do that in my D/s?
I'm getting so much better at talking to Dragon M Sir, being able to voice concerns or questions. But sometimes I work myself up so much about something that the only way I can approach is to blurt it out, before I lose courage. Each time this happens I explode, then His calm rational approach takes the wind out of my sails, and the anger or frustration dies a death. And each time, after the fireworks, I feel stronger with Him and my submission goes that little bit deeper. I just really, really wish I (and of course Sir) didn't have to experience the whole fireworks too.
I nearly closed my blog yesterday, for various reasons. Pure frustration at so many things led me to the 'delete blog' page. But the lovely things on there over the last few months stopped me doing it.
I know my long term D/s future is with DragonM Sir - I'm not doubting that. Whether its as His fox, His sub, or His slave....as He's been asked....who knows? I'll always be His fox. What we have has to be right between all of us, and none of us are ready to move it forward yet....certainly not me. Nobody elses opinion on whether I'm right for poly matters. We're not poly.......we're us. The three of us.
When I'm in Holland next week, I'll be kneeling for Him at the party on Saturday night. I'll be so proud to do so, but you know what? I wouldn't kneel differently, or play differently, or submit differently to Him if I was collared, tattoed, branded, or had a slave registry number permanently engraved on my arse. I'm still me, I'm still His. I still give Him as much as I can.
I still have one hang up, (no not suspension)that means I find it really hard to let go that final bit in hard play, because I'm afraid of saying something I shouldn't. Lol, even so, He still mangaged to get me to let go enough to get into sub space in France !! He and lessa both know about it, and sort of understand. He still has my no-limits, which I think we all established before in various blog chats actually means I abide by HIS limits. And He applies this no-limits to all aspects of our relationship, not just the play. That surprised me.
He's made me strong enough to admit my weaknesses on here - that took an amazing amount of courage at first. But He's also making me strong enough to acknowledge my strengths. And that's actually harder.
An excerpt from my daughter's report today - it's time that M started having the confidence to believe in herself, to believe that she is more than capable of achieving regardless of what her peers say.
Sound familiar?
I think I need to write lines.....*grins
kussss en knuffels
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Waiting....
My youngest daughter is, at this moment, doing her karate grading for her blue belt - I'm almost sick with worry. She, her sister amd Dad all studied karate for about three years, my older daughter gave it up this summer, but my baby is still doing it. She has been practising hard all week with her father, with any luck they'll both come home with blue belts. For my husband, I'm really nervous - he has to have a hip replacement within a couple of months so this will be his last attempt at a belt. For his pride's sake he wants to go out on a high.
My baby isn't really a good loser, if she doesn't get this blue belt she'll be so upset. She hasn't developed my older daughter's sense of well, at least I tried and it was a great experience. Then again, I don't suppose many seven year old have that yet.
So, I'm sitting here nervous as hell, waiting for them to come back. In thirty five minutes it will be over. I can't really go and watch her because we discovered that my presence at karate seems to put her into 'baby' and 'show off' mode, so I have to wait here ...SO hard !!
She deserves to pass for all the hard work she's put in, my husband certainly deserves it just for his don't give up attitude. It actually hurts me to see him practise because of the pain it causes him - his hip is pretty much worn away. If he considers carrying on training after today, I may have to turn Domme and bin his kit. It hurts seeing someone you love hurting so much.
So...fingers crosses that they'll pass. I know that they'll do their best, but I'm not sure how my youngest will handle it if she doesn't get that belt. I'm sure M:e remembers various displays of her 'inability to lose gracefully' *grins.
kusssssssssssssssss
UPDATE
They both got their blue belts!!!! I have a very tired and excited daughter and a very aching husband !! *grins
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My baby isn't really a good loser, if she doesn't get this blue belt she'll be so upset. She hasn't developed my older daughter's sense of well, at least I tried and it was a great experience. Then again, I don't suppose many seven year old have that yet.
So, I'm sitting here nervous as hell, waiting for them to come back. In thirty five minutes it will be over. I can't really go and watch her because we discovered that my presence at karate seems to put her into 'baby' and 'show off' mode, so I have to wait here ...SO hard !!
She deserves to pass for all the hard work she's put in, my husband certainly deserves it just for his don't give up attitude. It actually hurts me to see him practise because of the pain it causes him - his hip is pretty much worn away. If he considers carrying on training after today, I may have to turn Domme and bin his kit. It hurts seeing someone you love hurting so much.
So...fingers crosses that they'll pass. I know that they'll do their best, but I'm not sure how my youngest will handle it if she doesn't get that belt. I'm sure M:e remembers various displays of her 'inability to lose gracefully' *grins.
kusssssssssssssssss
UPDATE
They both got their blue belts!!!! I have a very tired and excited daughter and a very aching husband !! *grins
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Saturday, November 18, 2006
Congratulations....
and a few bottles of champagne to my lovely sister on her back lacing. It's gorgeous sweetheart.
Biggg huggs
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Friday, November 17, 2006
The big '100'
Yay me !! I reached the big 100 !! At least as far as my blog is concerned.
Yep, this is my 100th posting. Not bad, considering that when I started my blog, I did it on a one month trial period basis. I’m amazed that I’ve reached this point, as I was never a regular contributor on my old ‘family’ blog.
I started this blog at the end of May – since then there’s been quite a lot of changes and events in my life-
• I quit a lot of my volunteer activities to give me more time with my family
• My husband and I agreed to try again, and stop our divorce – it seems to have worked, we’re happier than we’ve been in a long time
• My girls met Dragon M Sir, lessa and RB – I took them to Holland and spent a week there, and they absolutely loved it, visiting a safari park, a theme park, boat rides, shopping trips and just being all together
• My release
• Dragon M Sir taking me as His fox – teaching me so much, but still so much to learn
• A holiday with Sir and lessa in France
• My assault at school
• Finishing my contract at the school, to the relief of virtually everyone who knows me
• Having the confidence to learn Arabic dancing
• My daughter getting four Outstanding Achievement awards at school
• Re-decorated the entire house!
• Ran a full 6 week activity program at school for over 300 kids
• Got 3 kids onto a university project – a small thing but something I’m SO proud of
• Starting on an ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) course
• Becoming an exam invigilator
• Had minor surgery on my womb
• Held a tarantula
• Went on a rollercoaster and DIDN’T throw up
• Started learning Dutch seriously (and yes, one of the first things I learnt was to ask for permission to come !)
• Rode on a speedboat
• Experienced sub space
• Started another blog, a private one
So many things in such a short time – here’s to my 200th posting *smiles
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Yep, this is my 100th posting. Not bad, considering that when I started my blog, I did it on a one month trial period basis. I’m amazed that I’ve reached this point, as I was never a regular contributor on my old ‘family’ blog.
I started this blog at the end of May – since then there’s been quite a lot of changes and events in my life-
• I quit a lot of my volunteer activities to give me more time with my family
• My husband and I agreed to try again, and stop our divorce – it seems to have worked, we’re happier than we’ve been in a long time
• My girls met Dragon M Sir, lessa and RB – I took them to Holland and spent a week there, and they absolutely loved it, visiting a safari park, a theme park, boat rides, shopping trips and just being all together
• My release
• Dragon M Sir taking me as His fox – teaching me so much, but still so much to learn
• A holiday with Sir and lessa in France
• My assault at school
• Finishing my contract at the school, to the relief of virtually everyone who knows me
• Having the confidence to learn Arabic dancing
• My daughter getting four Outstanding Achievement awards at school
• Re-decorated the entire house!
• Ran a full 6 week activity program at school for over 300 kids
• Got 3 kids onto a university project – a small thing but something I’m SO proud of
• Starting on an ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) course
• Becoming an exam invigilator
• Had minor surgery on my womb
• Held a tarantula
• Went on a rollercoaster and DIDN’T throw up
• Started learning Dutch seriously (and yes, one of the first things I learnt was to ask for permission to come !)
• Rode on a speedboat
• Experienced sub space
• Started another blog, a private one
So many things in such a short time – here’s to my 200th posting *smiles
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Thursday, November 16, 2006
2 weeks....
....and still counting !! 2 weeks today I get picked up at Schipol by a VIP *grins.
And I PROMISE, lessa, I won't rip His clothes off !! *laughing
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For lessa....
I saw this picture and thought of lessa straight away !!
Have a great time tomorrow morning sweetheart, you'll be brilliant, and I'll be thinking of you.
Love you
xxxxxxxx
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
In her mother's footsteps?
My beautiful seven year old came home from school today, happily skipping alongside me as we walked home. She started telling me in excited whispers that she'd got a boyfriend !!! She told me all about him, then informed me that he had THREE girlfriends...my daughter and her two best friends !! 'But that's ok isn't it Mummy? A boy can have more than one girlfriend can't he? We all get to have MUCH more fun !!'
God help me on the walk home from school tomorrow - apparently, the boy is planning on playing kiss chase !
I still have vivid memories of my daughter sitting contentedly at Dragon M Sir's feet watching Him put His shoes on ready for a trip out....then asking, 'Can I do that for you?' The look on both our faces was priceless - is submission genetic??? Lol.
xxxxxxxxx
God help me on the walk home from school tomorrow - apparently, the boy is planning on playing kiss chase !
I still have vivid memories of my daughter sitting contentedly at Dragon M Sir's feet watching Him put His shoes on ready for a trip out....then asking, 'Can I do that for you?' The look on both our faces was priceless - is submission genetic??? Lol.
xxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
A lesson learned, and an apology
‘I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become’
I think that is one of the lessons which I posted from subtle slavegirl’s blog, which I identified with most.
It’s something that a very good friend has told me on a regular basis. That yes, I may view a set of circumstances in a certain way because of my history and experiences, but I can choose how I react to them. It’s that choice that I’m sometimes very bad at.
I think most of my friends would agree that I’ve changed an enormous amount in the past few months, and the way I react to things has changed accordingly. But in some cases, I still revert to my ‘hiding in a cave in self preservation mode’. I did this recently, choosing to hide in my cave over an upset and then come out all guns blazing....at the wrong person.
I often see MP in room in Alt, where we both still visit, albeit it on a less regular basis. We did our usual teasing, tormenting each other, talking about past events which people have often seen us do. The difference was, this time Dragon M Sir was in room too. At the time I enjoyed the chat – it’s fun, and I’m proud of the way that MP and I still relate. We’re good friends and still IM. As you know, MP is going to Holland this week, and will be meeting Dragon M Sir, along with lessa, M:e and Ms Butterfly.
The day after this happened I visited alt again, to be faced with several comments about it being wrong that MP and I are still so friendly. Why? Comments about its wrong that MP and Sir meet and are on friendly terms. Why? According to whose rules??
I got really upset at this, and had a very emotional talk (blushes and admits I was pretty much shouting at her in IM) with M:e about it. I started off blaming MP, saying that he shouldn’t have talked like that in room. But we finally got it down to me admitting that it wasn’t MP’s fault – I actually love joking with him in room, and talking about hotels with nosy managers, and jokes about things we’ve done in the past. What had actually upset me, and made me so, so angry is that the people in room had made me feel as if the relationship we all have was ‘dirty’. I was told that it must be a poly family of 6 or 7 or however many – all the girls are interchangeable, of no value, its all just about sordid sex and multiple partners. Yes, I KNOW they're only online people, but it still hurt.
I am SO proud of the relationship we all have, the way we all interact and look out for each other. I have two sisters who would almost kill for me (and I for them), my kids have two ‘aunties’ who they adore. I have a friend in MP who I know I could go to if I ever needed help. I saw the concern he had for me over the assault at work. Grins….he and I were even discussing the ideal treatments for the ceiling in his office when he showed it to me on cam the other day! And last but by no means least…I have Sir…..who has shown me what I CAN be, if I trust myself and Him enough. He has been so good for me, and I hope to be everything I can be for Him, and for me. I love that man.
Why do people say that this type of friendship is harmful or dirty? We’re all grown up enough not just to stay polite acquaintances, but true friends. M:e and I were teasing on the phone only a few days ago about what she was packing and not packing to take to Holland for when she sees MP. We often talk about lovely times we’ve shared, and I love those memories. I love the way that she and I can talk about what her relationship with him so easily. Seeing MP on cam was great, it was like seeing M:e – a good friend whose company I enjoy – no resentment, no recriminations, just friendship. When we parted company, I had a choice - to become embittered and blame him for everything or to act my age and enjoy his friendship. And for once, I made the right decision.
I owe M:e a big apology for the way I reacted to this whole situation. I blamed her Master for something instead of actually seeing that it was the room’s reaction that I was angry with. And she was rightly protective of him, as I would be of Sir. I wouldn’t want to change the way MP and I interact in room any more than I want to change any of the other relationships we all have.
As for the fools in room who claimed that the girls must be 'interchangable, of no real value'....I've never yet met a Dom more proud of their girls than Dragon M Sir and MP. MP and M:e are perfect together, a wonderful team, and I'm proud to have shared a great year with them. Dragon M Sir and lessa are equally amazing, and I know how much they treasure each other. I can't imagine one without the other, and I'm proud to have my future with them, no matter how many times I nearly screw it up for myself through sheer stupidity and lack of self confidence.
So all the people I love will be together this week, and I hope they have a blast. They deserve a wonderful time together, and I hope they all get the rest and enjoyment that they need.
Big huggsssssssssss for my darling lessa and M:e, 'hugs n stuff' for MP
A huge huge and all my love for Sir, kusssssssssssssss
I think that is one of the lessons which I posted from subtle slavegirl’s blog, which I identified with most.
It’s something that a very good friend has told me on a regular basis. That yes, I may view a set of circumstances in a certain way because of my history and experiences, but I can choose how I react to them. It’s that choice that I’m sometimes very bad at.
I think most of my friends would agree that I’ve changed an enormous amount in the past few months, and the way I react to things has changed accordingly. But in some cases, I still revert to my ‘hiding in a cave in self preservation mode’. I did this recently, choosing to hide in my cave over an upset and then come out all guns blazing....at the wrong person.
I often see MP in room in Alt, where we both still visit, albeit it on a less regular basis. We did our usual teasing, tormenting each other, talking about past events which people have often seen us do. The difference was, this time Dragon M Sir was in room too. At the time I enjoyed the chat – it’s fun, and I’m proud of the way that MP and I still relate. We’re good friends and still IM. As you know, MP is going to Holland this week, and will be meeting Dragon M Sir, along with lessa, M:e and Ms Butterfly.
The day after this happened I visited alt again, to be faced with several comments about it being wrong that MP and I are still so friendly. Why? Comments about its wrong that MP and Sir meet and are on friendly terms. Why? According to whose rules??
I got really upset at this, and had a very emotional talk (blushes and admits I was pretty much shouting at her in IM) with M:e about it. I started off blaming MP, saying that he shouldn’t have talked like that in room. But we finally got it down to me admitting that it wasn’t MP’s fault – I actually love joking with him in room, and talking about hotels with nosy managers, and jokes about things we’ve done in the past. What had actually upset me, and made me so, so angry is that the people in room had made me feel as if the relationship we all have was ‘dirty’. I was told that it must be a poly family of 6 or 7 or however many – all the girls are interchangeable, of no value, its all just about sordid sex and multiple partners. Yes, I KNOW they're only online people, but it still hurt.
I am SO proud of the relationship we all have, the way we all interact and look out for each other. I have two sisters who would almost kill for me (and I for them), my kids have two ‘aunties’ who they adore. I have a friend in MP who I know I could go to if I ever needed help. I saw the concern he had for me over the assault at work. Grins….he and I were even discussing the ideal treatments for the ceiling in his office when he showed it to me on cam the other day! And last but by no means least…I have Sir…..who has shown me what I CAN be, if I trust myself and Him enough. He has been so good for me, and I hope to be everything I can be for Him, and for me. I love that man.
Why do people say that this type of friendship is harmful or dirty? We’re all grown up enough not just to stay polite acquaintances, but true friends. M:e and I were teasing on the phone only a few days ago about what she was packing and not packing to take to Holland for when she sees MP. We often talk about lovely times we’ve shared, and I love those memories. I love the way that she and I can talk about what her relationship with him so easily. Seeing MP on cam was great, it was like seeing M:e – a good friend whose company I enjoy – no resentment, no recriminations, just friendship. When we parted company, I had a choice - to become embittered and blame him for everything or to act my age and enjoy his friendship. And for once, I made the right decision.
I owe M:e a big apology for the way I reacted to this whole situation. I blamed her Master for something instead of actually seeing that it was the room’s reaction that I was angry with. And she was rightly protective of him, as I would be of Sir. I wouldn’t want to change the way MP and I interact in room any more than I want to change any of the other relationships we all have.
As for the fools in room who claimed that the girls must be 'interchangable, of no real value'....I've never yet met a Dom more proud of their girls than Dragon M Sir and MP. MP and M:e are perfect together, a wonderful team, and I'm proud to have shared a great year with them. Dragon M Sir and lessa are equally amazing, and I know how much they treasure each other. I can't imagine one without the other, and I'm proud to have my future with them, no matter how many times I nearly screw it up for myself through sheer stupidity and lack of self confidence.
So all the people I love will be together this week, and I hope they have a blast. They deserve a wonderful time together, and I hope they all get the rest and enjoyment that they need.
Big huggsssssssssss for my darling lessa and M:e, 'hugs n stuff' for MP
A huge huge and all my love for Sir, kusssssssssssssss
Lessons....
I found this beautiful piece on the website http://subtle-times.livejournal.com/, by subtle slavegirl. These are just a few of the lessons she mentions, please take the time to read the rest *smiles. Some of these are so apt for me.....
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
kussssssssssssssss
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
kussssssssssssssss
Just in case....
A very special lady had a safe journey to Holland last night, but I thought I'd leave her an umbrella......well, every time I visit her, it rains !! I hope she leaves the rain back home - we don't want any flash floods over there!!
Grins....have a wonderful time over there sweetheart, hug Sir, lessa and RB for me.
huggssssssssssssssssssss
Saturday, November 11, 2006
A goodbye text....
This is the text I received from one of my colleagues last night, the text that finally got me crying !!
Just thought I'd give you a final thank you, for all the help regarding courses, my cv, applications etc. Thank you for helping me by making me think for myself. Thanks for our interesting, highly amusing and informative conversations during my hiding days in your office, and a big thank you for getting me through the days when I wished I hadn't come in. The biggest thanks of all are just for being you.
THAT made me cry.
Just thought I'd give you a final thank you, for all the help regarding courses, my cv, applications etc. Thank you for helping me by making me think for myself. Thanks for our interesting, highly amusing and informative conversations during my hiding days in your office, and a big thank you for getting me through the days when I wished I hadn't come in. The biggest thanks of all are just for being you.
THAT made me cry.
3 weeks.....
...and I'll be in Holland, and getting nervous about a party I'll be attending with Sir and lessa. Sir is planning very hard play for me, and a few new things....oh I can't wait !!!!!
xxxxxxxxxx
Friday, November 10, 2006
Goodbye....
I no longer work at ABC High School. I am no longer a school manager. And I have to admit I'm feeling damned relieved about it.
I went to school armed with a mega box of tissues today - my friends will confirm that I'm quite a sensitive, emotion soul at times. But I didn't actually need them until I got home.
All day long I've had people in my office, wanting to say goodbye and wish me luck. It was a good thing I'd already had the handover to the woman who's taking on some of my duties, because today would have been impossible to do anything substantial. Kids were skipping class to come and say goodbye, over forty of them over the course of the day. At lunchtime I was 'requested' to pop along to the staffroom, where I was given an enormous bouquet along with chocolates and a card. I had other presents and cards during the day too. It was lovely to feel that I would be missed.
The colleague whose goodbye I had been really dreading left work at lunchtime, which I think was a good thing (for me anyway) - he gave me the most enormous hug and then grinned at me and said,'how the hell does DragonM get close enough to you with those boobs in the way !!! And aren't they lovely and soft !!' The cheeky sod ran out of reach damn fast, lol.
When my manager made the presentation at lunchtime, he spoke of the wonderful things that I'd done at the school - the summer program, the football academy, the university partnership. It was good to hear the recognition of the things that had gone well, but I was also thinking of the things that could have been wonderful, had the school actually taken things seriously. My replacement (a gym instructor with no experience of any aspect of schools except her immediate role) was already facing problems today - being told that she couldn't have this display cabinet, or this wall for display space, etc etc ....because it was only for her department, it's not a priority. I told her, welcome to my world. I think it shocked her, how little support she was already getting.
But onwards and upwards. I'm planning on cleaning the house top to bottom next week now ( I'm feeling too 'on edge' to have a lazy week), catching up on doctor's appointments and making the most of picking my youngest up from school so that she doesn't have to go to the dreaded after school club.
I'm still on my countdown to visiting Sir and lessa - I've even written a story about part of our holiday in France this past couple of days, due to my er....increased wish to see Him/be with Him/have the arse flogged off me, be chained and whipped, on my kneels begging for mercy *blushes*. OK...it's a LONG time since I was with Him !! Lol. Can't you just guess that the story is rather a sexy one, the way I'm feeling?? *grins
I'm a lucky girl, with much to look forward to in life.
*Raises a glass of Baileys to you all ...cheers!*
kussssssssssssssss
I went to school armed with a mega box of tissues today - my friends will confirm that I'm quite a sensitive, emotion soul at times. But I didn't actually need them until I got home.
All day long I've had people in my office, wanting to say goodbye and wish me luck. It was a good thing I'd already had the handover to the woman who's taking on some of my duties, because today would have been impossible to do anything substantial. Kids were skipping class to come and say goodbye, over forty of them over the course of the day. At lunchtime I was 'requested' to pop along to the staffroom, where I was given an enormous bouquet along with chocolates and a card. I had other presents and cards during the day too. It was lovely to feel that I would be missed.
The colleague whose goodbye I had been really dreading left work at lunchtime, which I think was a good thing (for me anyway) - he gave me the most enormous hug and then grinned at me and said,'how the hell does DragonM get close enough to you with those boobs in the way !!! And aren't they lovely and soft !!' The cheeky sod ran out of reach damn fast, lol.
When my manager made the presentation at lunchtime, he spoke of the wonderful things that I'd done at the school - the summer program, the football academy, the university partnership. It was good to hear the recognition of the things that had gone well, but I was also thinking of the things that could have been wonderful, had the school actually taken things seriously. My replacement (a gym instructor with no experience of any aspect of schools except her immediate role) was already facing problems today - being told that she couldn't have this display cabinet, or this wall for display space, etc etc ....because it was only for her department, it's not a priority. I told her, welcome to my world. I think it shocked her, how little support she was already getting.
But onwards and upwards. I'm planning on cleaning the house top to bottom next week now ( I'm feeling too 'on edge' to have a lazy week), catching up on doctor's appointments and making the most of picking my youngest up from school so that she doesn't have to go to the dreaded after school club.
I'm still on my countdown to visiting Sir and lessa - I've even written a story about part of our holiday in France this past couple of days, due to my er....increased wish to see Him/be with Him/have the arse flogged off me, be chained and whipped, on my kneels begging for mercy *blushes*. OK...it's a LONG time since I was with Him !! Lol. Can't you just guess that the story is rather a sexy one, the way I'm feeling?? *grins
I'm a lucky girl, with much to look forward to in life.
*Raises a glass of Baileys to you all ...cheers!*
kussssssssssssssss
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A beautiful rose....
....but I dread to think what a Dom could do with the thorns on a naked girl!
kusssssssssssssss
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Leaving....
This is my last week in my current job - my contract runs out on Friday. It's been an eye-opening year, and one that's left me very wary of the education system in the UK. To update my new friends, I work in an inner city high school, providing trips, extra curricular activities and inspirational visits for our kids.
My husband and I made the decision that I wouldn't apply for the contract to be renewed. The stress that this role has caused has affected our family too, and I find myself unable to switch off at night. I've never known an organisation so disinterested in the welfare of its pupils and its staff. Sir, lessa and M:e have all heard my horror stories of working there and I know that they'll understand my decision. But I'm finding it hard to cope with kids who I've worked with for the last year coming up to me in tears because they've heard that this is my last week. Those children who work on the 'TV station' (a room with a video camera) have wanted to get a petition up to keep me. I had to explain that I really wouldn't be staying, and make sure that they knew that it wasn't because of them.
I have never had so many hurdles to climb as I have in this job. Every time I clear one, the head mistress puts another one twice as high before me. Internal politics have destroyed any goodwill that was ever in the school, and staff are resigning at a phenomenal rate - at least two a week. Every facility we ever had is being lost - the swimming pool needs a fortune spending on it before it can be used, the 'state of the art' gymnasium needs a new floor so won't be in use until after Christmas, the sports hall is inadequate and often closed and our football pitches have been replaced by mud pits. And we're a sports college.
I'm masochistic, but not even I can keep banging my head on a brick wall the way I have with this job. It hurts too damn much. But it's hurting even more seeing how upset the kids are when they hear that I'm going.
I will miss some of my colleagues enormously, some of the kids even more so. I know there will be tears on Friday (mine) but I also know the huge sense of relief that I'll feel when I lock my office door for the last time.
I'm planning a quiet week next week, catching up on doctor's appointments etc that are so very hard to organise with the hours I work. However, I know I'll spend quite a bit of that time in 'quiet reflection'. I feel as if I've failed. My sensible head says that no - I haven't failed. The system failed me by preventing so many of the activities I tried. The system let me be assaulted the other week. The system left me alone in a corridor surrounded by twelve big lads, taunting me and calling me every name under the sun. The system has left me with scars on my breasts from where I was pushed into doors and onto metal poles sticking out of doors. I tried my best, and as Sir always says, that's what counts.
So think of me on Friday night - I'l be raising an extremely large glass of Baileys and toasting the staff and kids at that school. I will thank them for thelearning experiences that they've provided for me, and wish them every luck for the future.
Because sadly, they'll need it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My husband and I made the decision that I wouldn't apply for the contract to be renewed. The stress that this role has caused has affected our family too, and I find myself unable to switch off at night. I've never known an organisation so disinterested in the welfare of its pupils and its staff. Sir, lessa and M:e have all heard my horror stories of working there and I know that they'll understand my decision. But I'm finding it hard to cope with kids who I've worked with for the last year coming up to me in tears because they've heard that this is my last week. Those children who work on the 'TV station' (a room with a video camera) have wanted to get a petition up to keep me. I had to explain that I really wouldn't be staying, and make sure that they knew that it wasn't because of them.
I have never had so many hurdles to climb as I have in this job. Every time I clear one, the head mistress puts another one twice as high before me. Internal politics have destroyed any goodwill that was ever in the school, and staff are resigning at a phenomenal rate - at least two a week. Every facility we ever had is being lost - the swimming pool needs a fortune spending on it before it can be used, the 'state of the art' gymnasium needs a new floor so won't be in use until after Christmas, the sports hall is inadequate and often closed and our football pitches have been replaced by mud pits. And we're a sports college.
I'm masochistic, but not even I can keep banging my head on a brick wall the way I have with this job. It hurts too damn much. But it's hurting even more seeing how upset the kids are when they hear that I'm going.
I will miss some of my colleagues enormously, some of the kids even more so. I know there will be tears on Friday (mine) but I also know the huge sense of relief that I'll feel when I lock my office door for the last time.
I'm planning a quiet week next week, catching up on doctor's appointments etc that are so very hard to organise with the hours I work. However, I know I'll spend quite a bit of that time in 'quiet reflection'. I feel as if I've failed. My sensible head says that no - I haven't failed. The system failed me by preventing so many of the activities I tried. The system let me be assaulted the other week. The system left me alone in a corridor surrounded by twelve big lads, taunting me and calling me every name under the sun. The system has left me with scars on my breasts from where I was pushed into doors and onto metal poles sticking out of doors. I tried my best, and as Sir always says, that's what counts.
So think of me on Friday night - I'l be raising an extremely large glass of Baileys and toasting the staff and kids at that school. I will thank them for thelearning experiences that they've provided for me, and wish them every luck for the future.
Because sadly, they'll need it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Why Christmas 2010?....
If you scroll down this page, on the left hand side, you'll see a picture of a Christmas tree, with the words 'For Dragon M Sir ....planning Christmas 2010'. Although I can be extreme in my forward planning for Christmas - I'm not actually being that literal !!
A long time ago I discussed with Him why lessa felt so strong with Him. Amongst many other reasons we talked about how she felt safe and secure with Him. She knew He wasn't going to let her go, or release her, or just disappear - she knew she'd be with Him for His next birthdays, Christmas and so on.
I hadn't felt that before. I have a history of insecurity in my M/s relationships for various reasons, none of which are anyone's fault - it was just the way things turned out; circumstances. So to me, having that confidence, that security was something I couldn't imagine.
As my relationship with DragonM Sir grew, I kept quite a large part of me held back. I looked for reasons why He'd lose interest in me or why it wouldn't work out between us. I know now (and I guess I knew then) that it was self preservation. Keeping a distance, finding reasons not to let myself get too attached. Hurting Him, hurting lessa, hurting myself all figured strongly in my reasoning. Because after all, if I don't get too attached, I won't get so hurt when I lose Him, right?
Wrong.
He killed all my theories. You've all read about my building walls etc etc. My trust in Him grew as did my trust in lessa - that if I hurt her - she'd tell me. I didn't have to second guess all the time and think that my relationship with Sir was hurting her. He'd said all along that He wanted me to feel as safe with Him as lessa does, as confident in Him not walking away from me.
It's often been a case of two steps forwards, one step back. I've had upsets, tantrums, I've walked off in IM conversations (NOT something I'd dare to do again). But after each upset I came back stronger. And His patience and quiet persistance are to thank for a lot of that.
My belief in Him, and in myself has grown enormously. I joked in a previous posting about loving Him 110%. But it says a lot more for me to tell Him that I'm planning Christmas 2010 ; it shows that I believe that He will be there for me, and I for Him for a long time to come. He's not disappearing. It demonstrates my belief in Him, and in lessa.
A lot of my posts are jokey, or 'cuddly'. I sometimes share problems that I've had, and I often share how I've grown. I'm not given to huge outbursts of sentimentality or declarations of love.
But today I'll go out on a limb. That Man has given me so much in a relatively short period of time that He deserves all the love, fun, belief, trust and affection that I can give Him. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to be myself with Him, and for allowing me to give Him what I give Him. My belief in Him gave me the strength to know that I'm going to be with Him for a long time, hence my 'planning Christmas 2010' post.
You and lessa have become massively important in my life, and I love you both enormously.
And of that, I'm 200% sure.
All my love Sir
Your fox.
kussssssssssssssss
A long time ago I discussed with Him why lessa felt so strong with Him. Amongst many other reasons we talked about how she felt safe and secure with Him. She knew He wasn't going to let her go, or release her, or just disappear - she knew she'd be with Him for His next birthdays, Christmas and so on.
I hadn't felt that before. I have a history of insecurity in my M/s relationships for various reasons, none of which are anyone's fault - it was just the way things turned out; circumstances. So to me, having that confidence, that security was something I couldn't imagine.
As my relationship with DragonM Sir grew, I kept quite a large part of me held back. I looked for reasons why He'd lose interest in me or why it wouldn't work out between us. I know now (and I guess I knew then) that it was self preservation. Keeping a distance, finding reasons not to let myself get too attached. Hurting Him, hurting lessa, hurting myself all figured strongly in my reasoning. Because after all, if I don't get too attached, I won't get so hurt when I lose Him, right?
Wrong.
He killed all my theories. You've all read about my building walls etc etc. My trust in Him grew as did my trust in lessa - that if I hurt her - she'd tell me. I didn't have to second guess all the time and think that my relationship with Sir was hurting her. He'd said all along that He wanted me to feel as safe with Him as lessa does, as confident in Him not walking away from me.
It's often been a case of two steps forwards, one step back. I've had upsets, tantrums, I've walked off in IM conversations (NOT something I'd dare to do again). But after each upset I came back stronger. And His patience and quiet persistance are to thank for a lot of that.
My belief in Him, and in myself has grown enormously. I joked in a previous posting about loving Him 110%. But it says a lot more for me to tell Him that I'm planning Christmas 2010 ; it shows that I believe that He will be there for me, and I for Him for a long time to come. He's not disappearing. It demonstrates my belief in Him, and in lessa.
A lot of my posts are jokey, or 'cuddly'. I sometimes share problems that I've had, and I often share how I've grown. I'm not given to huge outbursts of sentimentality or declarations of love.
But today I'll go out on a limb. That Man has given me so much in a relatively short period of time that He deserves all the love, fun, belief, trust and affection that I can give Him. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to be myself with Him, and for allowing me to give Him what I give Him. My belief in Him gave me the strength to know that I'm going to be with Him for a long time, hence my 'planning Christmas 2010' post.
You and lessa have become massively important in my life, and I love you both enormously.
And of that, I'm 200% sure.
All my love Sir
Your fox.
kussssssssssssssss
Friday, November 03, 2006
Mathmatically speaking.....
....I've never believed in any percentage over 100 (except its common usage in terms of mark ups and profit margins in business), and this has been a long, ongoing battle between myself and others *grins. I mean, it's like giving someone 12 out of 10 for doing something well !! It's not mathmatically correct.
But....er....how can I put this? I was 'persuaded' today (He did the Dom thing on me !) that although I don't believe it, and Sir would never wish for me to change my views just to fit in with Him, I accept that some people do believe in percentages over 100, so........
(oh god clare, get it over with!)
Sir ....I love You 110%
There !! I said it !!!
grins
But....er....how can I put this? I was 'persuaded' today (He did the Dom thing on me !) that although I don't believe it, and Sir would never wish for me to change my views just to fit in with Him, I accept that some people do believe in percentages over 100, so........
(oh god clare, get it over with!)
Sir ....I love You 110%
There !! I said it !!!
grins
Technically challenged....
....but I managed to add a hit counter to my blog !!!!!!!
Yes, I know it's relatively easy but I'm not gifted with computer technology, as M:e will testify. When we both first set up our individual blogs, I had to ask her how to add links and she taught me. So even this small thing is an achievement for me.
*pats myself on the back
I added a counter last night and overnight got over eighty hits - I was amazed. However I deleted that counter and installed a Bravenet one as it gives other stats too, so I'm starting from scratch again. Grins - *does a happy subbie dance*
xxxxxxxxxx
Yes, I know it's relatively easy but I'm not gifted with computer technology, as M:e will testify. When we both first set up our individual blogs, I had to ask her how to add links and she taught me. So even this small thing is an achievement for me.
*pats myself on the back
I added a counter last night and overnight got over eighty hits - I was amazed. However I deleted that counter and installed a Bravenet one as it gives other stats too, so I'm starting from scratch again. Grins - *does a happy subbie dance*
xxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Countdown commencing....
On 30th November, I'm flying to Holland to be with Dragon M Sir and lessa again....so the countdown has begun in earnest !!
I really can't wait until I see them again. It's only two months since our French holiday, but it seems so much longer than that sometimes. We all have a fantastic relationship in between visits though...daily phone calls, regular IM, lots of texting - so I never feel 'abandoned' or unwanted. I sometimes make myself feel in the way as I've mentioned before, but that happens so rarely now - I've grown much, much stronger. My Sir is in another country, but He never makes me feel as though He is. He's always there with me, along with lessa.
During my trip, they're planning on us all visiting Hans' private playrooms/dungeon. Hans is a lovely gentleman, and I'm so glad that we're going to see him again. This will be a new thing for me - we all went to a play party in Holland in January,I know, but this will be different - I will be there as Dragon M Sir's fox.
Some things I feel pretty strongly about, kneeling being the prime example. The first time I knelt for Sir, we planned it. He left me alone in the souterrain for a while, to leave me to my own thoughts, and came back to find me in His favourite position, the Tower. He whispered to me how beautiful I was...how much He loved this - I felt so, so proud. In a few weeks I will be kneeling for Him again - in front of a great many of His and lessa's friends.
I will again be very proud to kneel for Him, it really is a big thing for me, as it is with most subs. To kneel for Him publicly will be wonderful, but a little scary - it will be people He and lessa have known for a long time seeing me submit to Him. And I think that on the night, they'll be surprised.
As I've gained more confidence in myself, in my submission to Dragon M Sir, and my trust in Him has grown, I've been able to take far more from Him. I like hard play, and I've taken much harder play each time we've met. As He's said before, He doesnt believe in part time submission, it's 24/7 despite the fact that we live in different countries. As I've grown in confidence about my submission - grown 'into' it, if you like, my ability to take pain has also shot WAY up. The trust and belief I have in Him now are amazing, and as I feel stronger mentally, I get stronger physically too. Lessa sat open mouthed at one point at the play I took in France , although she has now taken the same level of pain from Him. Sir has some seriously heavy play planned for me this time, so it will be interesting to see some of the reactions !!
The only people who have known me both with my last Master and with Dragon M Sir, and who I've seen since I became His, are people to whom I am particularly close. At the play party that He and lessa are taking me to in a few weeks, it will be mainly THEIR friends who will see me for the first time as His fox. I think I'm nervous about being accepted, I hope they know that I take nothing away from lessa, and how much I love her. I'm crossing my fingers that when they see how happy Sir is with me, and with the way that lessa and I are together they'll accept me BECAUSE our situation helps to make them happy.
I know - other people's opinions shouldn't count, but these are people that Sir and lessa have known for a long time, and I want to make a good impression. I want to make them BOTH proud of me.
Because I'm sooooo proud of them, and of being with them. All my love to you both.
kusssssssssssssssssssssssssss
I really can't wait until I see them again. It's only two months since our French holiday, but it seems so much longer than that sometimes. We all have a fantastic relationship in between visits though...daily phone calls, regular IM, lots of texting - so I never feel 'abandoned' or unwanted. I sometimes make myself feel in the way as I've mentioned before, but that happens so rarely now - I've grown much, much stronger. My Sir is in another country, but He never makes me feel as though He is. He's always there with me, along with lessa.
During my trip, they're planning on us all visiting Hans' private playrooms/dungeon. Hans is a lovely gentleman, and I'm so glad that we're going to see him again. This will be a new thing for me - we all went to a play party in Holland in January,I know, but this will be different - I will be there as Dragon M Sir's fox.
Some things I feel pretty strongly about, kneeling being the prime example. The first time I knelt for Sir, we planned it. He left me alone in the souterrain for a while, to leave me to my own thoughts, and came back to find me in His favourite position, the Tower. He whispered to me how beautiful I was...how much He loved this - I felt so, so proud. In a few weeks I will be kneeling for Him again - in front of a great many of His and lessa's friends.
I will again be very proud to kneel for Him, it really is a big thing for me, as it is with most subs. To kneel for Him publicly will be wonderful, but a little scary - it will be people He and lessa have known for a long time seeing me submit to Him. And I think that on the night, they'll be surprised.
As I've gained more confidence in myself, in my submission to Dragon M Sir, and my trust in Him has grown, I've been able to take far more from Him. I like hard play, and I've taken much harder play each time we've met. As He's said before, He doesnt believe in part time submission, it's 24/7 despite the fact that we live in different countries. As I've grown in confidence about my submission - grown 'into' it, if you like, my ability to take pain has also shot WAY up. The trust and belief I have in Him now are amazing, and as I feel stronger mentally, I get stronger physically too. Lessa sat open mouthed at one point at the play I took in France , although she has now taken the same level of pain from Him. Sir has some seriously heavy play planned for me this time, so it will be interesting to see some of the reactions !!
The only people who have known me both with my last Master and with Dragon M Sir, and who I've seen since I became His, are people to whom I am particularly close. At the play party that He and lessa are taking me to in a few weeks, it will be mainly THEIR friends who will see me for the first time as His fox. I think I'm nervous about being accepted, I hope they know that I take nothing away from lessa, and how much I love her. I'm crossing my fingers that when they see how happy Sir is with me, and with the way that lessa and I are together they'll accept me BECAUSE our situation helps to make them happy.
I know - other people's opinions shouldn't count, but these are people that Sir and lessa have known for a long time, and I want to make a good impression. I want to make them BOTH proud of me.
Because I'm sooooo proud of them, and of being with them. All my love to you both.
kusssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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