Trust....

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone--but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."

Walter Anderson

Trust, in my opinion, has to be earned. A slow process and sometimes a matter of 'one step forwards and two steps back'. Certainly in a growing M/s relationship I find that reactions to conversations/events are often governed by long ingrained habits formed because of various life experiences.

I'm amazed at the trust I can have in someone, yet have so little faith in myself sometimes. I realised how much I trust someone yesterday - they have all of my contact numbers - work, home, mobiles, and all of my email addresses. They speak to my colleague at work, and they have met and love my kids. I trust them to the extent that my older daughter has their phone number in case she's ever concerned about anything and wants a friend to talk to. Now thats trust. Yes, I mean Dragon M Sir.

I've long had the habit of 'going back into my shell' if I feel awkward or in the way or upset. My stock phrases of 'never mind' and 'it doesnt matter' come into play and I shut myself down a little to try to deal with it. This is ingrained in me. I know that m:e used to recognise these things in me. She also has all of my contact details and is on my daughter's mobile phone list too.

This past few weeks, there have been instances of me being upset about something to do with Dragon M Sir. But let me emphasise this - it's me upsetting myself - not Him doing it. But I'm dealing with it so much better than I ever did before. On Sunday night in conversation with Him and lessa, I upset myself over something. Yes, I went quiet for a while, but then I said 'I'm sorry I went quiet, it's because I felt.......'. For me, that takes so much trust !!! And it was hard. But each time I open up to Dragon M Sir and/or lessa it gets easier.

I have this 'theory' in my head that if i keep a distance between myself and another, there's less room for hurt. Stay detached, less involved, less 'emotional' as I've been called and I can't get hurt so much. But that Man won't let me !!! He doesn't drag me back into the fold, so to speak, but He makes it damn awkward and uncomfortable to segregate myself. As He said once, He'll let me build walls to protect myself - but He knows which side of the wall He'll be on.

Last week I felt that I'd really embarrassed myself with Him because of how honest I'd been with Him over a topic, to the extent that I asked Him not to call me the next day - I honestly didn't know how I'd be able to speak to Him. The next day felt strange - yes, the fact that He didn't call, but more because I recognised that I'd created this barrier between us. So I emailed Him and said that I recognised that because I'd always hidden in the past with people, didn't mean I had to do the same with Him. He called me.

I'm truly learning the meaning of 'baring one's soul'. I'm learning to be open and really honest about everything, and not keep parts of me hidden away. I don't think there's any part of me now that Dragon M Sir hasn't seen - good and bad. He's still there - He isn't going anywhere. I haven't frightened Him off. Feeling this safe, to be able to be so open and know He still loves me and won't reject me is amazing.

Yes, Dragon M Sir has a heart of gold - but He is capable of anger. I've heard about His anger in the past, and am extremely relieved that I've never witnessed it. I'm His fox, not His slave or submissive, but He expects the same standards from me as from His lovely lessa. Personal standards, work standards, family standards and M/s standards. One of those standards is to be open and honest with Him always - and that really does mean not hiding my 'less confident' side.

As I said on lessa's blog last week - I can't imagine an earthquake big enough to shake the trust that I have in the two of them.

Not even an earthquake that I subconsciously create myself.

All my love to you both
kussssssss en knuffels voor mijn lieve zussie en Dragon M Sir. Ik houd van u