When I'm good I'm very, very good - when I'm bad I'm better! - Mae West

Friday, September 01, 2006

Guest posting from elle

I have thought long and hard about whether I posted this piece. A situation occurred recently which has upset me greatly and I have talked it through with M and close friends. One of these friends, a very wise Dom, suggested that as I had always managed to process my feelings through writing in the past I might find it cathartic to do so in this case (thank you for that advice kind Sir... you are probably right.... again!! ......soft smiles).

I saw recently how very hurt and upset a dear friend of ours was when those who she considered to be friends decided to write things about her which were at best very thoughtless and at worst extremely cruel. Those who know me well know how extremely strongly I felt about this and, when discussing the situation with her and her Master, I could also see how much it had hurt him to see his precious lady so maligned. He told me at the time there will always be those who do not know or, even when they do know, choose not to accept the truth of someone's situation. To use his words..... "everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it doesn't make them right". I never realised at the time that what he said then would so soon also apply to my own situation!!!

I have been reminded of those words when I discovered people who I wholeheartedly trusted hold views about me privately which they do not have the courage to say to my face. While I will not go into the full detail here, this was about the relationship M and I have, and my submission to him. I do not propose to 'out' those people here, or to discuss this in any other forum.......those concerned will have to live with their own consciences about how true a friend they are/have been both to me and to M. I believed our friendship and indeed their characters were stronger than that. Suffice it to say it has shaken to the core my belief in my instincts about people and who we can truly trust. I know our two friends mentioned earlier (particularly the lovely lady...hugs) will understand from their own situation, such damage takes a long time to repair... and may never fully do so.

As I have always done when I have had any concerns, I naturally talked to M about this. He is disappointed in his girl for allowing other people's opinions to matter so much, and I know he is right.... I am somewhat disappointed in myself. As he said, he sees me as a strong woman with my own thoughts and feelings and, if he and I know the truth about our situation, other people's opinions should not matter. He accepts, although doesn't fully understand, why I feel the injustice of such opinions undermine my gift of submission to him. I know I must keep in mind his view that the only time I should feel troubled is if HE undermined that gift... which in his words 'I have never done and never intend to do'. That, and remembering much earlier words from him about my submission being 'a gift so precious it could not begin to be described' have provided some much needed comfort.

I think what has shaken me most, apart from the obvious breach of trust, is that such narrowness of view about relationships, and how they are all so very different, should come from people within our community who I honestly believed 'got it' ............. could see past the neat little boxes that many try to put us in in order to make themselves feel more comfortable. It has been a difficult but valuable lesson for me to discover that even amongst those who profess to understand the diversity of relationships which exist in our community, there are some who find it easier to dismiss and devalue that which they don't understand than to take the time and trouble to educate themselves and broaden their understanding.

For those who have taken the time to listen and be there for me recently a huge thank you.... I know you will understand why I am currently a little 'guarded'.

And clare....thank you for allowing me to post this here.... it is the only 'home' where this particular piece would have felt right.

xxxxx

194 comments:

clare said...

hugggssss elle

You're always welcome to post here sweetheart, its your home whenever you want it.

Everyone's submission is different - as we know full well. What suits you doesn't suit me, but that doesnt make either of us wrong.

There will always be people who will judge, I had the same problem after Mike released me, because how we acted after the release didn't conform to what people expected. We were friendly, teasing still - not bitter. But at least those weren't my truly close friends - I know how much this 'judgement' has upset you.

Mike is disappointed in you for allowing other people's opinions to matter so much - but it's other people's opinions of Him that has probably upset you the most. Your protective streak may have reared its head.

YOU know that what you and Mike have suits you both....nothing else matters. You, He and cate are the important ones - if it works for the three of you (and it obviously does) then quite frankly - screw other people. If they don't have the courage to say it to your face, then they're not the friends you thought they were. I know how much it hurts to have people judging you, and it can cause you to question yourself and your situation.

Don't let it.

What you have is perfect for you, and perfect for Mike.

Nothing else matters.

xxxxxxxxxxx

lessa{D} said...

dear elle,

As we already talked about this on the phone as you did talk with clare, I know how much it can hurt. To me it felt as a backstabbing by someone you trust. And as clare's said, it hurts even more if they attack the Man you've submitted to. It's hurts in the core of your being and it takes a lot of time to get over this.

Like Mike was, DragonM was amazed that I let others have so much influence on me. People of no importance I made to important he said. And well, months later I do understand that better. Takes time and distance to do so, at least it did for me.

Wish I could hug the stuffings out of you (for this once). And you know... you, clare, me... we all know better... and we know eachother.. and love eachother... and that makes it easier to leave it behind you... at least for me it did...

love you...

and ehmmm, lots of love to my sweet sis... you're the best... ;-)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

clare said...

hugggsss

Mike - no-one would want You to change. You wouldn't be You.

Big hugs and kisses,

xxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

leaves soft hugs, especially for M.

Clare, you are right, it was the closeness of the friendships I believed I had with those concerned which made this all the more hurtful. Like you say if, for whatever their reasons, they haven't had the courage to be honest with me or M about their views then they are NOT the friends we thought they were.

You are also right (in part) about my protective instincts towards M coming out.. although there was a strong sense of self preservation too. Those protective instincts towards those I love will always be a part of my nature, even when I know they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

When M and I talked about this, I requested him NOT to ask me the identity of those involved, as I believe he too would be deeply hurt by just how wrong we have both been about where we place our trust. For his sake, I am pleased he agreed it was best he didn't know.

Lessa... so much of what you've said both here and on the phone is so right. I know you more than most can identify with how I'm feeling right now. You also know that, like you, I will be fine..as you say... time and distance.

And my very special M .....you and all those you have introduced me to know how many times both publicly and privately I have made clear that I see myself as no more special to you than anyone else... past, present or future. We are all special to you in different ways..... its one of the things I've always loved and valued about you. I promise for you that I will do my best to put this behind me now...as a certain other Dom said, sometimes we just need a 'right of reply'.

xxxxx

Anonymous said...

It has been a difficult but valuable lesson for me to discover that even amongst those who profess to understand the diversity of relationships which exist in our community, there are some who find it easier to dismiss and devalue that which they don't understand than to take the time and trouble to educate themselves and broaden their understanding.

You are so right about that.. But it's no surprise.. There are people who dont take their time to understand someone else and judge them on the few things they have heard... I am with lessa for 2 years now and i am getting to understand how she is.. There were others before who called her being fake after only reading her weblog...

You said that everybody is entitled to their opinion and so am i.. I have my opinion about your relationship with Mike. I have seen how much you love him... how much you believe in your relationship.. It was no surprise when we were in Cardiff, i saw everything was ready. HIS favourite beer was in the freezer.. HIS favourite food was there... eventho you were not sure he might come over... Those things show you are a slave.. in the most basic form...

BDSM is an emotional relationship and it makes you vulnerable, both slave as Master.. That's why you need friends to support you.. In the past clare, lessa and me found such a friend in you... Now let us be such a friend for you..

DragonM

Anonymous said...

Smiles at Dragon M....thank you for taking the time out of your holiday to comment here.

Yes, we spoke about my daily routines. You know I keep everything ready for M - myself, my home, the basic stock of the things he likes - in case of 'surprise visits'. I love surprises, but I also like to be prepared, and I know how much he appreciates a clean and tidy house and a 'well groomed' girl (blushes)!!!

I know those daily routines are important to many submissives, not just me. It is one of the ways we demonstrate our submissiveness to our Masters every day... not just when they are with us. It would be easy to frantically run around cleaning up and doing our own 'personal' preparations before they arrived, but that's not really the point is it?

As a Master, you understand that. Those things, and the expectation that we will look after ourselves (hence the addition of the weekday early nights at present to comply with M's request that I get more rest) are what I have meant in the past when I've said 'play' is only a small part of my submission. The physical submission can be easy (if that's the right term. Its the day to day stuff which can slip if we don't focus on it or if we think 'well he's not here, he'll never know'.

When you came to stay, being able to spoil you both a little was something I would have done anyway. I have always got such a lot of pleasure from doing so, and do it for all my friends and family. I'm sure being able to please is an intrinsic part of many a submissives' psyche....it certainly is an important part of mine.

What makes it even more special now is knowing that when our D/s friends come to stay, how I look after them reflects not only on me but on M, whether he is here or not (remembers a certain text message during Fian and KD's visit..soft smiles).

All those things are important to me, and I thought all my friends understood that.

You know I will let my friends support me... that support is appreciated and valued, and their understanding of me dealing with this in the way which is right for me is how everyone will support me the most.

xxxxx

Anonymous said...

hugs my lovely kd....hey, its not been that long sis and you two have been very busy with the move. Was good to hear your voice on Friday. Talk to you soon. Give BB a hug from me.

xxxxx

teasemedenyme said...

*hugs elle*

being away means i haven't kept up with things too well... finally got around to reading this post...

i go through the same... as you know... other people deciding what is right for me... oddly enough (being a weak lil thing just now) i've been able to brush it aside and concentrate my energies on Him...

i love the comments on the daily routines... we could compare ours... *s*

i look forward to being home and having one of our long chats again soon...

*more hugs*

Anonymous said...

hugs tease....you're right about it being good to concentrate our energies on other things.... I've been fortunate that this time has coincided with a very busy time in lots of areas... work, family, friends, and 'moving in' to my new 'home'. (Fortunately, this has not been as emotionally and energetically challenging a move as the r/t move of Fian and kd... hopefully they found my box of hugs among the multitude of other boxes!!).

There are all sorts of ways a situation like this could have been handled. Confrontation has never been my way, and it is still my rather naive hope that those involved may talk to me directly about their views. We will see. If their views are right, and they are the true friends I believed them to be, then it is possible those views are held either out of love and concern or a genuine misunderstanding, rather than anything more negative. None of us would want to see those we care about on what we might believe is the 'wrong path' would we??

Those who know me well will understand I am not angry, and it is not in my nature to bear malice. Such emotions are negative and destructive and have no place in genuine friendships. The initial hurt, disappointment and sadness is slowly being replaced by a quiet resigned acceptance that regardless of how open we are with people they will sometimes misunderstand us. DragonM is right about the emotional vulnerability we open ourselves up to when such misunderstandings happen.

As part of dealing with this, and in preparation for clare returning from her holiday - probably with lots of exciting experiences she may be bursting to share - I think I have probably taken up enough space here now. I am grateful both to have had my 'right of reply', and to everyone for your messages and the show of public support.

This posting and the comments have been copied across to my new home which can be found at http://speakingofsubmission.wordpress.com. I am sure that both here and in its new home it will gradually settle into the archives as the present becomes the past.

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