For two very special people....

Flowers have a language all of their own, for instance most of us know that a single red rose represents love.

The azalea above is for two very, very special people. The meaning of this flower is, 'take care of yourself for me'.

They're both working so hard, and have other stresses. I wish I could make life easier for them, but I can be there for them when they need me. They'll be together today, which will be wonderful for both of them.

All my love

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Offices need NOT be boring !

It's interesting having my computer and webcam set up in the home office.

All those little everyday essentials lying around that you never think of in a BDSM way until a certain Someone comes online, shows you a handful of drawing pins/tacks and says, 'Got any of these handy?'. He was in a particularly evil mood yesterday *grins

Mistake 1 - I said, 'I think these pins in my bra are lying wrong...I can't feel them' Dear God....five minutes later I could feel them !

Mistake 2 - I used my favourite hairbrush when He asked me to fetch one...no, not for spanking, but I will be buying a new one asap after what I had to do with it !

Mistake 3 - I asked Him why He was doing something...bad move clare !!! Hence the hairbrush *shivers*

It's ok to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them. I learnt very painful lessons yesterday !!

On the good side - I saw Him looking more relaxed than I have in ages - to be able to give him pleasure, make him happy when he's having a busy time generally is wonderful. And to have a talk/play which combined so much laughing with the play was great. We had a serious talk too - about being able to ask him for things, or offering. And that meant a lot to me.

I learnt to count way higher than before*blushes* and I learnt that it ain't easy coming while you're laughing !! *grins

kusssssssssssssssssssssssss for my Sir

ps.....I had no problem sleeping last night !!

The Proposal.....

Still grinning here.

One of the fathers at my younger daughter's school came up to me today and thanked me. 'What for', I asked?

'For showing me that there are still real women out there, who look lovely, who laugh, who hug their kids and when they walk they look as sexy as hell. You've restored my faith.'

'Hmmmm....ok...well, thank you. It's lovely of you to say so' (bestowing a gracious smile and wondering where this is going).

'I bet you look lovely on a romantic dinner, candles lit, red roses for you' (pfffft.....I love red roses but do you really wanna know what I do with candles???)

'If I'm with my husband, I love romantic dinners' (If I'm with my Sir, I love romantic dinners where I'm relieved of my underwear and know that afterwards I'm going to be beaten, flogged, cropped, caned, made to beg and crawl, tied down, chained to a bed, and brought to orgasm more times in one night than in the previous year)

'Would you like to have dinner with me tonight, at my place? My ex is having my daughter' (giving me a grin that I think was supposed to be sexy but I think I'm immune)

'Ummm...no thanks. I don't dine with gentlemen I don't know, besides which, my husband wouldn't approve' (neither would my Sir He'd probably beat my ass but lets not go into THAT on the school playground!!)

'He has to know??'

'Yes! He would have to know! If I wanted to. Which I don't. So ......goodbye'

Ok...get this....his closing line -

'That's ok - some women just aren't adventurous. There's more to life than the missionary position you know'

SPEECHLESS!!!!!

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The power of submission

The power of submission lies not in the ability to kneel before another, to give over one's body or the wearing of a collar. The power of submission can be found only in the heart of one who gives her love to another freely, knowing what joy and pain will come from it. ~Unknown Author

I found these words on the website http://love-as-thou-wilt.blogspot.com/. I loved them.

kussssssssssssssssss for Sir and lessa

Sleepless....

Since before Christmas, I've had problems sleeping, often only getting two or three hours a night. On the rare occasion that I can sleep....my husband is in so much pain with his leg that he keeps me awake.

I hadn't really intended going to the doctor about it until I was, er....persuaded what a good idea it would be. (I got the verbal equivalent of a raised eyebrow over the phone). But today's visit proved that visiting him was a waste of time - he barely looked at my notes, asked if I had problems in my life (no more than 90% of the rest of the population) and immediately prescribed anti depressants.

I'm not depressed !!!!!

My life is full, busy, complicated....yes, I have worries such as the upcoming operation, money and kids schooling, but nothing that would class as depression. I have a support network that anyone would be proud of to talk through problems with. No way would I class myself as depressed, and no way am I taking those tablets. I have one hell of a challenging twelve months coming up, and to my mind those tablets would only impede that.

So I'm going to try more conventional methods first. To start I'm going to get into the habit of getting off the computer at a reasonable hour (10 or 11pm at the latest) and having a warm bath to get me calmed down and rested. I'm hoping that if I'm on the pc later than that, that Sir will kick me off it ! *smiles.

This next twelve months I'm going to be doing several of the most difficult things you can do, all in one year. Moving house, new job, new schools, etc etc. I know that with Sir's support, and lessa's and M:e's......I'll be in a far stronger position.

And if all else fails to make me sleep......I can always ask for a flight to Amsterdam on the NHS. A play session with Sir always knocks me out for many, many hours !! *grins

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Cats and Dogs

Found this great diary excerpt today - thought of lessa and her menagerie straight away !! *grins

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY.

DAY 1800800am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
0930am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
0940am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
1030am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1200pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1300pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1600pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1700pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1730pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 766
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Quandry....

You may remember me posting about my mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law's marital problems a couple of weeks back. They're having enormous rows, shouting at each other....all sorts. They're both in their seventies. They've got the whole family involved in the situation, her calling her kids up like reinforcements to show him that she's got support, him saying he's GOT no family, who's going to support him??

In came to a head last night when we had a phone call, my older daughter answered the call and all she could hear was her grandparents screaming at each other. We tried to get them to hear us, but they were too busy shouting, and then disapearing in other rooms to realise that the phone was off the hook.

It's one thing my mother-in-laws kids being involved in this....but now it's my kids that are involved. I had to explain to my daughter (and my younger daughter who also overheard) why the argument was going on. We've all done our best to keep the arguments away from the children in the family because quite frankly, today they may be screaming at each other but tomorrow they could be insisting that we all go to a family party and act as if nothing has happened.

In the end - I went to see them. And I was quite frank. I explained about the phone call, that my daughter had overheard everything...and that I was drawing the line at my kids being involved. I was then faced with my mother-in-law repeating every problem that's happened in the past..what he's done, what he's said...all of which we've heard before, many, many times. I politely tried to get a word in between her words and his defence and failed miserably. I had to resort to doing my 'teacher' thing and saying very loudly and very firmly, 'I'M talking !!'. I told them that at the minute, I wasn't interested in hearing their problems yet again - I'd heard them all before - my concern was for my own children and for my husband. That we were all there to support them, but we couldn't solve their problems for them - they had to do that themselves, and with Relate. I wasn't nasty, or rude...I was calm and firm.

Because their situation is affecting the entire family. They were both apologetic after failing to get me involved in their arguments, but to be honest, I'm not sure how to carry on if this keeps happening. How far can we continue to support them? They seem to have a cycle - they argue, she wants to throw him out, she wants us all to hate him, she denies that he's part of our family. Then next week she's telling us all that he's lovely, he's apologised and we have to treat him as if nothing ever happened.

I told them last night that I was being a hard faced bitch over this, but I was putting my kids and husband first. I've also told them that until my husband reassures me that their situation is positively solved....definitely....my kids aren't coming down on their usual visit after table tennis on Fridays, because I don't want them exposed to the atmosphere there. I guess I'm hoping that if they realise the kids are involved, they may think about their situation a bit more carefully.

My mother-in-law last night told me that he's no part of our family. He can go back to his own daughter ( a daughter he only found out about 6 years ago, but isn't bothered about).

When all said and done, he's been there for my kids if they've been ill. He's been there for them at birthday parties. He's been there. Full stop. She pleaded with me (not my husband..ME) when our first daughter was born, to let her call him Grandad. Now she's saying he's no part of our family.

What do I do? My husband is as confused and worried as I am. So are th erest of the family. I don't know how long we can keep supporting them in this cycle, but she's his mother.

Answers on a postcard please.....attached to a very large valium.

xxxxxx

Love is.....

For DragonM Sir and lessa

kussssssssssssssssssssssssss

Claim To Fame....

Looking at my 'referrers' page on the visitor counter today, I found out that (presumably because of an earlier posting) a search engine given 'nettle spanking' will show my blog as number one !!

Oh joys !!!!!

Why couldn't I show as number one for people searching for gorgeous pain slut, or maybe rubber flogger?? Even labia needles would be better !! But to show first on a search engine's listing for nettle spanking - the thing I probably fought most against??

Talk about irony !! *grins

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Sign of trust....

It's a huge sign of trust in Sir that this post is very different from the one I originally wrote.

I was going to close the blog, because of people seeing things in what I'd written that weren't there, then causing trouble by questioning my intentions towards DragonM Sir.

But I'm not going to allow them to take away something I love. This blog, and my ability to talk about my life, and my submission to DragonM Sir.

Lessa and Sir know that what I write does not mean that I'm pleading for him to be my Master. I'm his fox and I love being that - I'm happy as I am. His fox - lessa's sister. Anyone with issues about that is more than welcome to address them to DragonM Sir - don't bother lessa or myself about them.

I may not be his subbie or slave, but he has my full submission for as long as we all three are happy together - until he can teach me no more, or until I need more.

I love them both - very much - and I'm not going to hide that .

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Valentines Day

It looks like it's going to be an interesting Valentine's Day this year. That's the day that my husband has his long awaited hip replacement operation, so I doubt very much that I'll be celebrating the day in the usual style.

We've opted for him to have the operation at a hospital about an hour away from us, as it has a far better health/cleanliness record than our local orthopedic department. I'd far rather travel the extra time and distance to visit him there than have him be the latest of many to contract MRSA at the nearest hospital.

So I think it will be a strange few months - he'll be off work for about two to three months - I'll probably be ready to kill him after one week !! I'll also be working at the local pub where I started last week, so I have to try to arrange shifts so that I can care for him the best I can. And of course, his mother is MORE than willing to come and look after him while I'm not there !!

It's good to be working at the pub. It's good experience for getting a pub of our own, but it feels strange sometimes. I've downplayed my previous work background to the other girls - it felt awkward to say that I've been a fundraising consultant, an school manager and worked for the Home Office, so I just said I'd worked in a school and done voluntary work. And it's true - kinda. Is that a bit of reverse snobbery?

I'm not working there again now until just before Valentine's Day, as I'm going to be replacing one of the current employees, so until then I'll be having acouple of quiet weeks. I'm looking forward to going back - I laughed so hard when I was told the other day that I'll get good tips from the male customers, because I say 'Sir' so naturally !!! The phrases 'yes, sir', 'will that be all sir?' just seemed to roll off my tongue !! When I worked at the school, I refused to call the male teachers 'Sir' as a point of principle - I can't see any way out of it with my male customers !!

Things feel like they're falling into place - my job at the pub, my husband's operation - fingers crossed that everything else works out just as well.

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I'm not going to be posting on my, or anyone else's blog for a while.

x

Boudoir....

Some pictures, I know why I like them. It just hits me.

However this one, I can't put my finger on - maybe its the feeling of quiet confidence, or of a girl ready to approach her Master.

Either way...it's beautiful *smiles
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Innocence....

My gorgeous sister lessa has a lovely post on her site today, about innocence
(http://lessa.web-log.nl/lessa/2007/01/dolls.html)

One of the things that came to mind this afternoon when I was thinking about that post, was the fact that generally speaking children can't retain their innocence for as long as they used to. I know this is something that a friend and I had long debates about, but I truly feel this to be the case, and I witnessed a lot of examples of this over Christmas.

At school plays now, the headteacher has to ask everyones permission to allow parents to film the show, or to take photos. There have been quite a few incidents of school play footage turning up on less than salubrious sites, the camera homing in on little bodies.

My younger daughter turned to me at the end of her play and told me that the man in the front row had made her and her best friend really uncomfortable, as he'd been taking photos of them most of the time. I told her he was probably taking photos of his child in the show, but she was well aware - and explained to me - why some people take shots at occasions like this. I can't tell you, I truly can't, how sick you feel when your eight year baby explains to you about paedophiles.

If my older daughter goes out with friends, or shopping, I make sure she has her mobile on her ( and actually charged!) and every hour, she 'prank calls' me. Not actually calling to speak, but letting the phone ring once so I know its her. This way she doesn't lose streed cred through having to call her mum!

We have to teach our children about drugs, which are now as freely available in schools as cigarettes used to be. Kids don't have the freedom to play outside as much now, and the majority of children play computer games non stop at home, frequently using titles which kill, maim and destroy people/places. I can't allow my girls to go and ride their bikes in the fields nearby - I can't take that risk.

I know that some children have never really had the childhood of innocence through various, often traumatic circumstances. But today, I feel that few kids ever will.

When I was little, I remember playing in fields near our house, in the days when summer seemed to last forever. These days children are very aware of possible dangers - they have it drummed into them by schools, the media and parents.

But this awareness might be enough to save a life.

What a wonderful world we live in.

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Further afield....

I looked at my cluster map today, and I have to admit, I still find it strange to see that people from various places all over the world read here. Admittedly, most will only read out of idle curiosity but it still seems unbelievable almost, that people in Australia, America and further afield read my words.

I also noticed that I have as many 'spots' in Holland as I do in the UK ! *grins

It mames me wonder why people read. I'm glad that they do, don't get me wrong, but compared with a lot of D/s blogs mine isn't - well - very D/s. Very few tales of hard beatings, or of naked goings on. That doesn't make me less of a submissive - it just reflects my relationship with Sir. Being from different countries our relationship can't be based on play ( and neither should it - play is the least important part of D/s). And before anyone totally misunderstands that statement amd tears it apart, I don't mean that lessa's relationship with Him is based on play just because she lives close to Him. Her submission/slavery to my Sir - her Master - is wonderful, and as real as it gets. My play with Him is occasional - every couple of months, but when it happens its hard, glorious, wonderful pain filled pleasure. In between visits we have other physical aspects of submission - but I'm too shy to talk about them ! *grins

A lot of my submission is based on the more mental aspects, which actually suits me beautifully.

My blog reflects me - kids, life in general, I've made apologies on here and I've talked through problems here. I haven't glamourised my submission. I've just enjoyed it. I don't put up thought provoking posts, I just say what I want/need to say.

I missed out on the de-lurking that tiggr and others had a couple of months back - that must have been fascinating, to see where readers come from. Next time they do one, I may join in.

So to all who read here, thank you. I hope I don't bore you to death !!

*grins

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When I need you....

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
I Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day

For my Sir....who's always there.

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Going Dutch....

My daughter had the radio on it the kitchen earlier and I was telling her to turn it down - typical Mum !! All of a sudden a song came on that transported me back to my childhood, to a particularly happy time when I lived with my Nan. I burst into laughter and asked her to turn it up quick - and sat there with a dreamy look on my face, just at the memories flooding back. I always loved that music.

When it was finished, she asked me what it was, to which I replied Eye Level - the theme to Van der Valk, a detective program from many years ago. My beloved daughter commented on the name and I told her it was based in Holland. She grinned and said, 'oh great - something else that makes you go all loopy is Dutch !!' Little madam !! lol.

I have memories from when I was tiny, of reading a story about a cow that got onto a barge in Holland and travelled the canals. I remember very few of the details, but have strong memories of the pictures of the cow getting off at a big cheese market, amidst piles and piles of edam. I know - pretty silly really, but I wish so much that I could find that book - just for sentimental reasons. My nan (who basically brought me up) used to read it to me when I was knee high to a grasshopper, so I have such fond memories.

I can just imagine me reading that book to my girls now - my smart ass daughter would probably say, 'Edam?? Where were the piles of rambol??' *winks at lessa.

kusssssssssssssss

There's a NAME for it????

I found a piece the other day that gave a name to what I did last year....nettle play. I can't believe there's a name for it !!

Urtication: Sex & Nettles

Using The Stinging Nettle For Spanking & Pleasure

What is Urtication?From the Nettle Sex FAQ:

Urtication (urtica: nettle) refers to those who use stinging nettles to stimulate the skin for sex games, such as spanking and BDSM practices. Nettles cause intense burning sensations in the skin where applied, very similar to the sharp pain of a whip. In fact the family classification Urtica comes from the Latin uro ­ meaning 'to burn.' But while a whipstroke comparatively fades rapidly (within an hour at least, with aching for a few more) the hot, intense burn of a nettle can last for up to 24 hours! The sensation takes a long time to cool and you're aware of it the entire time due to the almost electric tingle through the area effected. This is wonderful for longterm D/s scenes or verbal and light play in public.

In addition to this intense longterm burning, urtication can also turning even the most jaded iron bottoms into mewling kittens. Sensitivity to any sensations increases markedly, and in the words of Master Conrad Hodson "a feather can feel like a brush, a light spanking feels like a strap, a light strap or flogger blows their minds." One bottom, inquiring if a nettling would effect a spanking and in answer receiving a few swats with just the fingertips, exclaimed "a four-year-old could have me in agony!"

Nettles cause intense burning sensations in the skin where applied, very similar to the sharp pain of a whip. In fact the family classification Urtica comes from the Latin uro ­ meaning 'to burn.' But while a whipstroke comparatively fades rapidly (within an hour at least, with aching for a few more) the hot, intense burn of a nettle can last for up to 24 hours! The sensation takes a long time to cool and you're aware of it the entire time due to the almost electric tingle through the area effected. This is wonderful for longterm D/s scenes or verbal and light play in public.

In addition to this intense longterm burning, urtication can also turning even the most jaded iron bottoms into mewling kittens. Sensitivity to any sensations increases markedly, and in the words of Master Conrad Hodson "a feather can feel like a brush, a light spanking feels like a strap, a light strap or flogger blows their minds." One bottom, inquiring if a nettling would effect a spanking and in answer receiving a few swats with just the fingertips, exclaimed "a four-year-old could have me in agony!"

I just can't believe there's a name for it !! Does that make me an urticationist?? Or more likely in my case, an oh-my-god-please-don't-get-those-things-on-my-ass-oh-go-on-then-ist?? *grins

xxx

Last night....

Last night was strange. I had a phone call at about 8pm from my mother-in-law, telling me that her husband (my husband's step father) had threatened to smash her face in with a hammer, and had been shouting and screaming at her all day. Her husband had then come on the phone screaming at me about what she had done. My husband was out at karate with my younger daughter at the time so I couldn't get him to go down - they only live about a three minute drive away.

I told my mother-in-law that I'd tell my husband as soon as he got in, but she started telling me adamantly that she didn't want him to know. But why phone us to tell if if she didn't want us to know? This has happened so many times in the past, I've lost count. So I did the best thing I could at the time - I phoned my sister-in-law, who went down immediately. And no - there was no point just telling her to call the police, there's no actual violence. And these people are in their seventies.

My husband and I ended up at their house last night until 11pm, along with the his two sisters and a brother-in-law. I went to make damn sure my husband didn't just punch his step father's lights out for threatening his mum. I - the 'emotional' one in the family - ended up as the referee/counsellor. Strange, eh?

They each keep throwing old arguments in each others faces - his betrayal eighteen years ago, her insistance that her three kids are more important to her than he is, and that she'll never forgive him for what he's done. She said she wants what my husband and I have - a perfect marriage. Perfect marriages in my opinion are as real as fairies and Doctor Who. My close friends know the troubles that we have had in our marriage, but we decided to work through them. And it's worked.

My....er...step-father-in-law never had kids of his own, he doesn't understand the bond that comes with that. And yes, my mother-in-law does make a point of telling him on an extremely regular basis that her children are the most important thing in her life, far more than him. It's really six of one, half a dozen of another - but there's no excuse for the threat of violence.

M:e would have been proud of me last night - I kept thinking 'what would she say in this position?' and pretty much took it from there. I've got them to agree to go to Relate - marriage guidance counselling- although I was so tempted to say.....I've got this friend in Wales...she'll help !! *winks at M:e.

We've also got them to agree to look at developing new hobbies and interests so that they can get back their individual selves and not just be half of the 'Jane and John' double act. They're so much in each others pockets that arguments intensify. But they've got to want to carry on - if not then Relate, and certainly not any of us can help.

It's so much easier to be wise and wonderful when you're not a central part of the problem/issue. When it comes to my own life, I often can't see the woods for the trees and usually fail to see why I'm reacting badly to something.

This blog isn't just about D/s - its about me, and what affects me/involves me. This situation certainly had me thinking a lot last night. But it also brought other stuff up with my husband - when we were talking afterwards he told me that he's been looking at jobs in Devon/Cornwall (we're currently central UK). He feels its a far better place to bring up children, and a better place for us to get a pub. The agreement is that I'd run the pub, and he would continue working as an accountant. He needs to get this hip replacement operation out of the way first, but he's seriously interested in us moving South. Just another example of how much things can change for me this year.

Two of the main areas of my life are my D/s life, and my nilla life, like most subs. When one is strong, firm, the other is easier to work on. It gives you the strength to makes changes if you need to. I know I'll have the strength for the changes coming up in my nilla life this year *smiles.

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Happy New Year

My first post of 2007 came after a fair bit of deliberation.

I have, on the left of my blog, a list of things Ive achieved during 2006 including such things as riding Vogel Rok *shudders*, electro play and holding a spider. So, as its the start of a new year I was going to delete the list and start afresh.

However, I decided to keep it. It may be a new year, but I'm still proud of doing these things. I reemember being absolutely gob smacked at the time when I did some of them, as I never though in a million years that I would. So I'm going to keep it and add to it as and when I achieve something or try something new. I'm not going to wipe out some of my highlights just because its a new year *smiles.

My 'path' in many aspects of my life has changed a lot - I'm not going where I expected to in a lot of ways. I've always liked having plans - a five year plan for my life of where I'm going, when I'm going, who with etc etc. Last year my plan was non existant, mainly because of the situation between myself and my husband. It felt horrible.....as if I was just floating, waiting for a piece of driftwood to pass by so that I could try to grab it. This year my marital/nilla/family plan is set....we're all pulling in the same direction, and its wonderful.

My D/s path, my submission to Dragon M Sir is set too. Very very firmly. In fact, I'd say its set in stone.

It's to do my best, and follow his plans. That's all. He's steering the boat *smiles. So wherever he decides to sail, is where I'll end up. And for someone who likes....no, loves to know where I'll be 6 months down the road, that's pretty scary. Or it would be - if I didn't trust him so much.

I'm going to live life to the full this year, try my hardest at everything and be the best 'me' I can be.

That's living to my Sir's standards.

And mine.

kussssssssssssssssssssssss