Accepting myself

I was talking to a good friend yesterday about my kids, about how when I’m with them, I can be ‘me’ – no trying to fit in with others, no worrying that I don’t act in a certain way – I’m just me. I do the things with them that I don’t normally do with others – sing, dance, run around, wrestle, all with no fear of them judging me.

Master, elle, Dragon M Sir and lessa have all seen that ‘fun’ side of me. I have clear recollections of chasing elle around a couch in Holland and the not so well aimed cushion I threw at her just missing Dragon M Sir !! In fairness I think that they’ve all seen most sides of me….the fun, the laughter, the insecurity, the submission, the anger.

They all know how I deal with things – if I’m angry then more often than not I have to go quiet, and not say anything because if I did speak, my temper would make a situation far worse. I even worry about that – I went very, very quiet once over a big upset because that’s how I best handled the situation, to shoot my mouth off and let the anger fly would have only added fuel to the flames. My concern afterwards was does Master think I wasn’t angry, or upset? Does He think that the circumstances hadn’t affected me? I would hate Him to think I was unfeeling about what had happened, just because I reacted in a different way to others. But my silence was my way of helping, by not exacerbating the situation – that was my submission to Him.

I worry so much about people judging me. So many people only know a part of me, very few know the whole. And even with those people to whom I am very close – if a part of me seems to make them uncomfortable, I will shut down that part of me to them so as to stop their unease – but also to stop myself feeling judged. And that isn’t letting them see the whole me, its only showing the part I think they want to see. But having a part of me that I don’t let them see, or don’t share with them, is painful for me because it creates a barrier. It’s like having an unfinished argument – you both avoid mentioning it because neither wants to bring the subject up again in case it creates more bad feeling. And that makes the rest of the relationship feel a bit false, as if you’re treading on eggshells.

I need to learn that I can be myself with others, as I am with my kids. Master and elle have seen me in virtually every scenario possible, the good, the bad and the ugly and they’re still there – I haven’t frightened them off.

When you befriend someone, you don’t just choose a part, you take the whole person – the manager, the mum, the sub, the blogger…….the person in their entirety. I have to stop thinking that people will only want the bits of me that they agree with, or perceive to be perfect (not much of me qualifies under that category !! *grins). Real friends will want the whole of me, good or bad. If they don’t….they’re not real friends. My closest friends now are those that have seen every part of me (literally every part of me in some cases !! blushes) and still accept me for who I am. They don’t judge.

Maybe it’s time I stopped judging myself.

xxxxxx