Halfway....

Long term friends know that when elle and I shared the Submissive Sisters site, I wasn’t a regular contributor. There were quite a few reasons for that, all of which Master and elle know about.

When I started this blog, it surprised a few people (not least of whom myself). I made a deal with myself to blog for a month and see how I felt about it. Well, its half way through my trial period now, so as with any good project I’m doing a midway review.

I hope I’ve represented Master well. I saw another blog yesterday where the home page had more swearing than acceptable language. Really in-your-face, out and out hostile words – how can anyone be proud of that? Why portray yourself as being so rude and lacking in vocabulary? It amazed me that anyone would want to give that impression of themselves – or of their Dom. Master doesn’t expect – and wouldn’t accept - that language from His girls.

I’ve enjoyed being able to post my feelings, or anecdotes about what has happened to me. I love having a ‘home’ on the internet. I like how the blog has developed. Surprisingly I never once felt pressured to post, just because I haven’t posted in the last couple of days. Some days I posted more than once, and some pieces definitely defied Master’s love of précis !

But I’m still not sure I’ll carry on with it.

Real life is what matters. The people who know me in real life. But there’s still a big part of me that worries about what I post, because of ‘what people might think’. Not about the words that I write, but the reasons that I write them. I posted two days running about things that elle’s website had made me think about…does that mean I have no original thoughts? I was going to post a picture that a friend had given me, that I loved…does that mean I’m incapable of finding my own material? Others might not think this, and to be honest I don’t think any of my friends that visit here would think it – but I worry that they will.

I think I anticipate problems too much. Yesterday I pulled out of something that I really wanted to do, because I followed my own chain of thought – if I do this – this will happen, that will happen, someone will get hurt, I’ll be upset because of that, so better not to do it at all than set myself and the other person up for all that anguish. The terrible upset I imagined might not have happened – it probably wouldn’t have done – but there was still the chance that it might. So better to avoid the situation arising. It’s my self preservation instincts kicking in – like my ‘shutting down’ system that my friends know well. I shut myself down emotionally to avoid getting hurt. Smiles – I’m gradually getting weaned off this habit thanks to some very patient and er…. (dare I whisper the word bossy..?) people, but I still do it on occasion.

My blog is a representation of me – it gives people a picture of how I’m thinking, of how my mind works (in very very strange ways sometimes! *smiles at elle about my ‘other’ posting this morning). The blog isn’t the most important thing to me – my real time relationship with Master is my priority as He’ll be very glad to hear *smiles.

So – for the next two weeks, I’ll carry on blogging on see what happens, how I feel.

But if I AM going to carry on blogging (oh my god it sounds like a film with Barbara Windsor and Sid James!!) I’ll need to give myself a good kick up the backside to stop worrying so much !!!


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