If at first you don't succeed....

I have spent many, many years (at the grand old age of 35!!) not trying new things.

In work, community, parental and social fields I'm confident, relatively succesful - a strong woman. At parties I never have a problem being on my own, I can introduce myself to someone, mingle and join in discussions with ease. My daughter's headmaster tries to walk the other way when he sees me approaching at school, because I'm one of the few people who will actually tell him about problems and suggest solutions. In those areas of my life .....I have no problems.

So why - personally - am I afraid to try new things?

I know a lot of it stems from parental approval/disapproval. I was not encouraged as a child - if I got 95% in an exam, I was admonished for not getting 100%. So a big part of me thinks that it's not worth doing something if I'm not damn good at it. I'm worried about being judged, and being found lacking. Again this goes back to my need to present myself as being perfect. And as all my friends know, I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. But I still endeavour to give that impression.

I love singing - adore it. When I'm on my own in house I sing to my cds full blast, because it makes me happy. But no-one with half an ear could say that I'm good at it - hence I only sing when I'm on my own. I love salsa dancing, on holiday once I did a full salsa dance on stage with the dance instructor !! I got applauded, I absolutely loved it. My husband's reaction when I got back to him? 'Do you realise how stupid you looked - dancing like that at your size'. So guess who never danced salsa again??

In the car recently with a good friend, I was explaining why, although I loved the song that was playing, I wasn't singing. I found myself 'encouraged' (mutters about Doms and their ways with words!! *grins) to sing along. In the end all three of us were singing along to - of all songs - Sisters are doing it for themselves !! And I loved it. I wasn't hitting the right notes, I wasn't in tune.....but I loved it. (makes a note to myself to send DragonM Sir a copy of the Black Eyed Peas song Shut Up *weg*)

When I got back to work the week after, in a classroom with several colleagues one of my favourite songs came on the radio. And guess what ? I danced a bit of salsa to it, and I sang !! One of my colleages sighed and said "I wish MY wife was that much fun !!" That made me think. I was seen as being fun because I'd tried, not because I'd danced as well as Ricky Martin (he has a far better hip movement than I *grins).

I've spent too long living in a little box, looking at new activities and saying ' that's not the sort of thing I do','I'm no good at things like that', 'I'm too old/big/clumsy to try that'. I label myself. I do to myself what I get angry with other people for doing. And I think I deserve better.

So ...from now on...I'm going to try to do one new thing a week. It may only be small, a new recipe or a different style of top than I usually wear. Or it may be bigger, such as doing a piece of writing, which would be a big challenge for me.

BUT ......I draw the line at bunjee jumping !!!